Staff Top 10
Top Ten Twofer: Xiu Xiu

attended Xiu Xiu’s show at a small club called The Fire in Philadelphia on Sunday, March 21st. After witnessing a strong performance, “Crank Heart” and “Clowne Towne” the highlights, I walked up to a probably frightened, but certainly accommodating Jamie Stewart. Silently I extended a hand with a once folded $10 bill. He took it before realizing what it was, and upon his realization, looked up at me quizzically. “I owe you this for downloading albums,” I offered.

Thankfully, he got a big laugh from it, which was at least part of the desired effect. Another part was the satisfaction of guilt resulting from my download of albums from artists who could probably use the $1.50 that would come with my purchase; something that hopefully most indie fans feel when they pocket that $100 a week they’d be spending on their music addictions. But that wasn’t it . . . I had to go deeper. Why did I try to give Jaime Stewart Ten Bucks? Why didn’t he take it? The following is the result of hours of intense self-reflection and role-playing:

Top Ten Reasons I Tried to Give Jaime Stewart Ten Bucks At Xiu Xiu’s Show Sunday

1. Reparations for downloading albums.

2. I would have bought a T-Shirt, but every one of theirs is too disturbing.

3. I’m a complete goofball.

4. So he could buy a shiny new harmonium for his burgeoning collection.

5. It sure as hell wasn’t going to Springsteen.

6. The show was 8 bucks; he must have needed some gas money with that take.

7. Because, “This is the Worst Vacation EVER! I am going to cut open your forehead with a roofing shingle!”

8. Some dick stole all Xiu Xiu’s equipment last year.

9. I didn’t dance during the show.

10. I could have drunk Pabst for a weekend instead of classier brew, and the hipsters would have mistaken me for one of their own.

Top Ten Reasons Jamie Stewart Refused My Ten Bucks

1. I’m a pro-war terrorist who laces $10 bills with anthrax.

2. His royalty checks from Fabulous Muscles had already afforded him his third Ferrari.

3. He’d just waste it on a harmonium.

4. He’d just waste it getting Asian male prostitutes to pose in compromising positions with plastic dolls.

5. I looked like I really needed that $9.99 tube of topical cream.

6. 24 hour surveillance from the RIAA Gestapo prevents him from getting away with any shenanigans.

7. Alexander Hamilton was an elitist assclown.

8. His days dancing in the subway for the occasional pity-donation are simply too painful to relive.

9. Jaime ne pas t’aime les dollars.

10. He’s a big sweetie. Just in case, a harmonium is a cousin to the accordion, and Mr. Stewart uses a couple at his live shows as well as in studio recordings.

By: Kevin Worrall

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