Top Ten Most Welcome Movie Deaths
ometimes it comes down to characterisation that is so misjudged we cannot wait for them to cash in their chips. On other occasions it is the actor in question to blame, perhaps their skills as a thespian (or lack thereof) grating on the nerves, their blatant inability to play anything other than a thinly-veiled version of their off-screen persona exasperating us to the point of meltdown. In any event, the following top ten highlights the most worthy, most deserving, most welcome deaths in the movies. Get out of here!
10. Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias.
Too populist to die nowadays, Roberts’s early career exit is a moment to savour, only lessened by the fact histrionic mother Sally Field does not join her.
09. Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio in The Abyss.
In a movie full of annoying characters, we are briefly rewarded when Mastrantonio drowns in front of her ex-husband. Unfortunately the fool magically brings her back, whilst twitchy villain Michael Biehn is disappointingly blown up.
08. Paris Hilton in House of Wax.
They knew we all wanted her dead. They even printed T-shirts. Does she realise how much the world despises her?
07. Debra Winger in Terms of Endearment.
You know a movie is in trouble when we are wishing for a cancer patient’s death sooner rather than later.
06. Steven Seagal in Executive Decision.
Like a fantasy come true, the warrior monk plummets to his death. Even then, he couldn’t muster a different expression. Also appears on Top Ten Unexpected Movie Deaths.
05. Shelly Winters in The Poseidon Adventure.
In a film that manages to make ever-dependable Gene Hackman irritating, none of the survivors deserve to live, but Winters stakes her claim as most exasperating character in a disaster movie EVER. Let’s hope they’ve learned from this in the remake (although Josh Hartnett is easily the worst male lead around today and Wolfgang Petersen the worst big budget director, so we’re already in stormy waters).
04. Macaulay Culkin in My Girl.
In a shrewd move, director Zieff cashes in on the Home Alone star’s unpopularity; adults rejoice as the despicable moppet gets stung to death by bees. Hooray!
03. Keanu Reeves in Matrix Revolutions.
No, he’s not Jesus, he’s just a very annoying kung fu version of Ted Theodore Logan. This comes only after six hours of Matrix-related nonsense, i.e. not nearly soon enough.
02. Leonardo diCaprio in Titanic.
Despite acting like a plank of wood, he still can’t float. Only misses the number one spot because Celine Dion doesn’t go down with the ship too.
01. Bruce Willis in Armageddon.
All those people are not breathing a sigh of relief that Earth has been saved, you know. It’s because crustacean Willis finally cops it. Now if only he hadn’t taken the place of Affleck…