es has a new feature - he interviews guests on Top Of The Pops and asks them what their porn star name is. Because the Doritos adverts are a really good thing, yes.
New Entries: Spiritualized #38 (probably really big and special in a way that I-m utterly oblivious to - title sort of namechecks Lush, though, so, hey-); Freeland #35 (top bleepy-bleep electro listing things Freeland hates about modern culture in digitised voice. You can dance to it an- all. Ace); The Barndance Boys #32 (shite -Ha ha, Stetsons!- novelty record); Marilyn Manson #29 (Marilyn moans about- something. Pop? Oh, probably. Oh, and can songs stop using the word -bitch-, please? The one sure sign of someone who really, really isn-t as clever/subversive/good as they think they are-); and A #23 (Yorkshire shout-rockers with -song off Nokia ad-. Nice people, though, apparently. Which is what really matters, I suppose. This is still toss, though).
Wes is plugging One Big Weekend in Cardiff again this week with a really horrific bit of bedding where five second snatches of songs by people performing at the event get stretched and chopped up and looped, thus doing the seemingly impossible and making Pink-s last single sound even worse-
20) MARK OWEN - Four Minute Warning
Hmm. On the one hand, it does grate a bit. On the other, I have seen some of the new entries this week. This could be a high point. Oh god.
19) THE COOPER TEMPLE CLAUSE - Promises Promises
Disaffected Reading youths are very angsty and a bit loud again. Dum deed um, we have long words- well, it-s alright. But a bit meh. I can-t be arsed today. I mean, Big Brovaz AND Starsailor still to come. What exactly is a boy to do in the face of all that, eh?
18) STACIE ORRICO - Stuck
But hey. This still lives and breathes, as does the harmonica man. There was a harmonica feller in this bar I was in last night. Didn-t seem to be playing anything particularly, just hunched over and blowing as a peculiarly atonal accompaniment to some Prince records. This is better than that sonically. But for oddness value- not quite. Still great, though.
At least, I think it-s a harmonica. Perhaps it-s the Neptunes. Everything else is the Neptunes nowadays.
17) JAIMESON - Complete
This is probably the Neptunes. Sure, he sounded like he was from London on his jingle- but I certainly haven-t ever heard Chad Hugo speak. Have you? Their influence is probably even deeper than shit coffee-table garage crossover. Look:
Take away the mic and guess what? That-s your mum, that is.
16) GIRLS ALOUD - Life Got Cold
And Pharrell. How many L-s? How Many R-s? I mean, that spelling is so fluctuating that-s at least 4 aliases right off the bat. They probably didn-t have anything to do with this song, though. No -HOA!- bits.
15) LUMIDEE - Never Leave You (Uh Ohh)
I heard the remix of this for the first time last night. Fabolous really is a talentless wally, isn-t he?
14) ROLLING STONES, THE - Sympathy For The Devil
See?! It-s The Neptunes! Again! There-s the bloody -HOA!- bit! Again! Go on Pharel/Pharrel/Pharell/Pharrell, hit us with your slinky guitar licks. While Chad silently eats our children. Or whatever. Dear me. The backing-s just gone, and here-s some Turin Brakes-esque acoustic strummo. And now strings. Which sort of work. But don-t. Go back to holding Chris Jericho down now, yeah?
13) THE WHITE STRIPES - I Just Don-t Know What To Do With Myself
Aha! Segue! Rock Past! Rock Future! Equals - ROCK! Rather underwhelmingly. The chorus/refrain bit works, the rest is him yowling as he is given to do. Which isn-t that fantastic, really.
12) ABS ft. NODESHA - Miss Perfect
Pre-match interview, Wes tries to subtly convey to Abs that he is chatting shit. He fails. Abs fancies Kate Hudson, and claims he is from -Lahndahn.- Which probably means he-s from Harrow or somewhere. This is rub.
11) LEMAR - Dance (With U)
Ah- is this the best #11 in a while? They usually piss me off and get me annoyed about what-s to come in the top ten, and I get neurotic and Wes plays a trailer for JOIN ME SEB FONTAINE or JOIN ME JUDGE JULES or Hi, I-m Dave Pearce and I go all grr. But this is a lovely song, but it would be lovelier were it not for the fact that it being at #11 means Starsailor are going to be in the top ten. Y-know, like how the Furries have never been. GRRR.
I think it-s gonna rain an- all.
Here-s an advert for Radio 1-s coverage of the Mercury Music Prize. Incidentally, myself and Mr. Passantino had a discussion about these self-same awards, and it-s going up on Stylus at some point this week. Have a look, why don-t you. Radio 1-s coverage is helmed by Colin and Edith, so it-s a step up from that at least-
But here-s the top ten. Featuring Starsailor. GRRR.
10) KELLY CLARKSON - Miss Independent
How are Wiww and Gawiff doing in the US charts, I wonder? They aren-t? Oh. Well, they-re probably big in France, or Germany, or somewhere like that. This song is still very dull. But probably also big in France, or Germany. Or both. Maybe Belgium also.
(I fear my boredom is showing.)
9) STARSAILOR - Silence Is Easy
James Walsh, he don-t need no fame, he don-t want yo press attention messing him in the face, he don-t want no superstardom. James? FUCK OFF AND STOP MAKING RECORDS THEN. We do not NEED Starsailor. We do not NEED plodding drums. We do not NEED the same dullard plicky plicky riff over and over. We do not NEED another whiny voiced tosser who is really influenced by Jeff Buckley going on about his fucking angst. And shitty fuck do we not NEED another fucking song whinging about how the press are shit from mediocre guitar shitwanglers like yourselves. Proper music is BOLLOCKS. Proper musicians are BOLLOCKS. Starsailor are BOLLOCKS. FUCK OFF.
8) SEAN PAUL - Like Glue
Grr. This makes it better. A bit.
7) ULTRABEAT - Pretty Green Eyes
And I don-t mind this either anymore. Much.
Deny it if thou canst.
6) IRON MAIDEN - Wildest Dreams
Right then. So, presumably Colin and Edith and Coxy and Wes and all the others who love the Darkness be cheering this result from the rafters- oh, hang on, this isn-t on the playlist. Boo! Evil OLD men, being OLD! We don-t want OLD! We want NEW! We want music targeted towards our demographic area! We want STARSAILOR - oh, actually, I don-t. Hmm. Thus I like it when the old bands who can only rely on their fanbases do well, particularly doing this well. They don-t need no stinkin- Live Lounge With Jo Whiley appearance, bitchiz. Yeah. Anyway, I can-t remember what it sounded like. But it-s better than Starsailor, and it charted higher than them too, so- haaaah.
5) BLU CANTRELL ft. SEAN PAUL - Breathe
As a wee teaser for the Mercuries article thing, here-s a conversation me and Dom had about this song the other day:
DOM: I-ve just realised - Breathe is a really good song, isn-t it?
We don-t be doing -wrong- round this way, thank you very much.
4) BIG BROVAZ - Baby Boy (NEW ENTRY)
Oh look, it-s a ballad. With the Big Brovaz and their big time lyrical skill. -I might have to marry you one day.- Oh, the wit. It would appear to feature acoustic guitars for serious art purposes. I hate it, yes.
3) ELTON JOHN - Are You Ready For Love
As remixed by Fatboy Slim, whose Rolling Stones remix Wes overlooked in favour of the Neptunes- version earlier. You know why that is?
Mmm-hmm. Fortean Times don-t got nothing on this.
2) DIDO - White Flag
Now, let-s talk about the Delgados. There are many, many reasons to love the Delgados, but one of the most persuasive is the way Emma Pollock sings her vowel sounds. She elongates, enunciates, elucidates so beautifully- breaks your heart, twists it round and round- but, when Dido sings the vowels, it just churns your insides. Particularly when she tries to sing -Door-.
There-s one line in this song, when she sings -I-m in love/And always will be.- That almost sounds as pretty as it would if Emma Pollock were singing it. And that line- lifts this. It-s- bearable. Not. That. Bad. And it-s a Dido single. I-m worried for myself now.
1) BLACK EYED PEAS ft. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE - Where Is The Love?
The video for B-E-P Empire was one of the greatest videos ever, advertising the Teach Yourself Hip-Hop Kit* (-In Just 20 Minutes, You Too Will Be A Hip-Hop DJ! Conveniently Folds Away!-). That got to the lower end of the top thirty. This video has the Black Eyed Peas in a van spreading The Truth, and putting their words in the mouths of children. And it is number one. And Justin Timblewimble only sings the hook. He-s not even in the video or anything. The year of improbable #1 singles continues. Oh yeah, and the song itself- rather average, really. Certainly not up to the heights of the trailer park woman in the stars & stripes bikini bogling in the B-E-P Empire video, in any case.
I have no idea whether this involved the Neptunes. But I can-t see any reason why it wouldn-t have done.
Oh yeah, Fo-Real. You the truth. WHEN IT SUITS YOU.
*(may not be actual name)