es proudly announces that he’s not old or fat. No, Wes. You’re just a nobhead instead.
New entries outside the top 20: Appleton #38 (‘Hello, we’re minor-ish celebrities The Appleton Sisters. We’re more famous than you, though. Well done us.’); Intenso Project #32 (so-so disco-house); Tyrese #30 (R&B; that sounds like it’s having a slow-bicycle race with Sigur Ros. Feels like it’s been going for years. His voice is rather naff also. Painful); Polyphonic Spree #26 (Soldier Girl remains their best tune by a street, and it enters the top 40 one year late. Still utterly bounce-a-delically gorgeous, though.); Killing Joke #25 (unexpected chart return for veteran British loud-types. But what is it with rubbish slowness this week? Grinds on, and on, and on, and some bloke sounds like he’s holding down vomit over the top. However, this kind of stuff was meant to have died in about 1993, wasn’t it? And it’s outselling Appleton. That’s quite amusing, really); Murderdolls #24 (nu-metal covers Billy Idol, possibly ironically, most definitely rubbishly. Appropriately ‘sleazy nightclub in rubbish 1980’s thriller set in the future at some point’ sounding, though); and Yomanda #22 (Ultra Nate was rubbish enough the first time, thank you).
Busta and Mariah #21 = I NEVER HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT THEM AGAIN! YESSSS-AH!
And now we prepare to descend unto the big stinky furnace of pop that is – The UK Top 20...
20) S CLUB 8 – Fool No More
That S Club 8 “Hi, I’m (a female member of S Club 8), and I’m (a different female member of S Club 8), AND YOUARELISTENINGTOTHEOFFICIALUKTOP40ONRADIO1” is actually the most terrifying thing in the world. Aside from possibly Nicola Roberts and Lena Katina. This is still just as good as two or three weeks ago, in case you’re, like, bothered or something.
19) DELTA GOODREM – Lost Without You
Has been relieved of its “thank fuck it’s not Busta and Mariah” duties this week, and as such much of its lustre of OK-ness has been lost. Now it sounds just a bit silly, and not in that good a way, sadly.
18) JOE BUDDEN – Pump It Up
He can’t even linger around irritatingly as well as 50 Cent. Plank.
17) MIS-TEEQ – Can’t Get It Back
She even met your requirements. You scum. How could you? Grr. No, I still can’t think of anything to say about this, how nice of you to have noticed...
16) 50 CENT & NATE DOGG – 21 Questions
Craig David is a ‘massive fan’ of this track, sez Wes. For some reason, that really, really doesn’t surprise me much.
15) MADONNA – Hollywood
A fall of... 13 places? In one week? Is she Suede in disguise or something? Come to think of it, this runs along similar lines to She’s In Fashion. Also, much like She’s In Fashion, it’s shit. See? Suede are still relevant to the modern musical climate after all. So there. Let’s have a Mansun revival.
14) JANE’S ADDICTION – Just Because (NEW ENTRY)
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh YES! Wes tries talking over the intro and dies a cold, lonely death. FuXXor. Ah, this rocks and a half, the guitars go grind-o-swirl-o-fan-tas-tic-o, bloke yells, it careers on and on and on – first Evanescence and now this, the overblown 80’s-esque GEE-FECKIN’-TARRRRRRRRGH revival is here, and it is brillo. Whoop!
13) SUPER FURRY ANIMALS – Golden Retriever (NEW ENTRY)
Oh MAN – this was #7 in the midweeks, and I was well excited cos the Furries have been releasing some of the greatest singles by anyone ever over the past 6 or 7 years, and they’ve never gone top 10, and I was hoping, so hoping... ah maaaaaaaaan... this is probably their weakest single to date as well, sort of sounds a bit like Daytripper, but even the Furries weakest twats most British guitar bands over the pavilion for six, and this is still good enough to make me smile through the tears of obvious disappointment. It could have been, it should have been... oh well. Suck it in son, there’s still 12 left...
12) R KELLY – Ignition Remix
And there’s this too. Good run of three half-decent singles, which cannot indicate good things...
11) EMINEM – Business
And it doesn’t. Oh god. Just realised – this means XTM have gone up the chart yet again...
Here’s the ten. Featuring XTM and not the Super Furries (note: this is wrong and bad).
10) XTM, DJ CHUCKY, ANNIA, SOME PAN PIPES AND MORE OR LESS EVERYTHING ELSE THAT IS CURRENTLY WRONG WITH THE WORLD AT THE PRESENT TIME – Fly On The Wings Of Love
This is probably one of the biggest sellers this year now. And it’s never even hit the top 5, I don’t think... doesn’t stop it being horrid. Someone just kill it now. Let’s all go to Virgin or HMV or Tower or wherever and kick this single in. Though thinking about it, they might force us to pay for it and count it as sales instead. Which is not a good thing, really. The Devil has the best tunes AND the best sales methods also. Git.
9) FAST FOOD ROCKERS – Fast Food Song
Speechless. What comes next... it’ll be D-Side, won’t it? It can’t get worse. Really, it can’t.
8) JAVINE – Real Things
Thank god. I wouldn’t have been able to cope with D-Side after that... Oddly, she appears to be singing with a slightly bunged-up nose now. Which confuses me, cos she didn’t have one last week. The lyrics on this are rubbish this week too. “I just wanna keep it real/That’s just how I feel”... nah. But it’s not D-Side, so I’m quite thankful for that. Even taking “I don’t mind pretty things/Wouldn’t mind a diamond ring” into consideration.
7) D-SIDE – Invisible (NEW ENTRY)
“If I was invisible, then I could just watch you in your room...” Must we throw this pop filth at our children? And next time could we give it a tune? And the ability to sing? And just generally make it not utter wank? Ta.
6) PINK – Feel Good Time
Managed to miss it due to ‘dinner’. Probably not my loss, really.
5) THE CORAL – Pass It On (NEW ENTRY)
Dear me. How’d this end up here? Five bowl-cut scallies with a penchant for cardigans, one of whom is actually trying to turn into Lonnie Donegan, become astoundingly popular despite the fact they’ve only come up with one really killer tune thus far, that being Dreaming Of You. The more astute among you may have noticed that this song isn’t Dreaming Of You. This... is average. Very much so. Not especially objectionable, but still... number 5? And the Furries are number 13? Say WHA’?
4) EVANESCENCE – Bring Me To Life
But hey, this is going back up the chart too, which can’t be a bad thing.
3) WAYNE WONDER – No Letting Go
And this goes up four places. Crumbs. And yet, people still couldn’t get the Furries in the top 10. Man, I am cross. Not Mr Wonder’s fault, you understand. But... grr.
2) BENNY BENASSI – Satisfaction (NEW ENTRY)
Also – Mr Wonder might well have the best chance of dislodging Beyonce from #1 now. This song itself is... well, it’s sort of alright, but in a deeply unspectacular way. It’s a bit like a trance version of Death In Vegas’ “Hands Around My Throat”, which was much better yet only got to #35. So anyway, it sort of frrr-nrr-nrr’s for a bit, and there’s nothing much wrong with it as such... just a bit sort of dull, y’know.
1) BEYONCE – All Shall Crumble In The Face Of My Overpowering Sass, Bwah-Hah-Hah (feat. Jay-Z)
Number one again, and much as I was kind of hoping Benassi’d beat her to it... this is a better record, no question. Also looks like it’ll be about for a fair while, cos there don’t appear to be any notably huge releases out for a little while.
#13, though... fuck’s sakes, Britain...