The Singles Jukebox
Thank God - My Dad Has Gone To Ireland

album Chart Notes: Hello there. Gilbert O’Sullivan #20, Guns ‘n’ Roses #2 (they play ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine’, which is as close to a highlight as the album chart’s had all year), and George Michael’s #1 (they play him singing over The Ones’ ‘Flawless’. Presumably this is on his album. It’s rubbish anyway.)

They attempt to do a jingle for OneMusic by chopping the “One” out of Daft Punk’s ‘One More Time’ and the “Music” out of Madonna’s ‘Music’. Somehow, it comes off even worse than that last sentence sounded.

New Entries Outside The Top 20: Nickelback #39 (Too long, too cloggy, and featuring Chad Kroeger. But perhaps this means they’ll be dropped or something. Please.); Mark Joseph #34 (like a somewhat better-produced Alistair Griffin, and about as entertaining); Kraftwerk #33 (were you goosed by a computer? Very nice dark minimal electro that – well, it sounds like Kraftwerk. Better than that Tour de France thing they got in the top twenty with a few months ago); and The Killers #28 (amazingly for a band with such a rubbish name, this is ace – sounds a little like ‘The Bad Touch’, and an awful lot like what Phixx want to sound – electro-rock with just enough of a dash of seediness to make it fantastic instead of tiresome. In the 1980’s, it’d’ve been huge… dear god, I’ve turned into Teletext-man. Eeep.)

The DVD chart features Love Actually at #1. Which means Wes gets to big up his cameo in said film for the first time in months. Remember when he used to do this every week? Yes, so do I. It’s lost none of its power to piss me right off, though.


20) KEANE – Somewhere Only We Know

So, yes, flaked out last week. Several other things to do simultaneously, and then… well, I’m afraid we’re going to be coming upon that little stumbling block again later on. First, this. Whoop. I’m gonna download the Killers single.

19) KATIE MELUA – Call Off The Search (NEW ENTRY)

A whole four places above ‘The Closest Thing To Crazy’. It’s a restaurant. You’re in a romantic mood. This comes on. You stare into your partner’s eyes. You smile. Yes, you’d probably best go home now. It’s actually quite nice in a really dull way. But mostly, it’s just really dull.


He can be your heeero bay-beh. Except even more rubbish.

17) BLINK-182 – I Miss You

Is still the best single of the year.

16) JAMIE CULLUM – These Are The Days/Frontin’

It’s more jazzing by trendy young people. He’s wearing a jacket – AND JEANS! He plays the bongos! Outrageous! And basically he sounds like Jools Holland made him in a test tube. “These are the days that I’ve been missing/Give me the taste, give the joys of summer wine.” Pop some barbiturates in there and we’ll be lovely.


Says Nelly: “The video is, like, a love story.” The video features Nelly doing tug-of-war with a cow. The cow wins. It’s shaping up to be a very maudlin top 20 right here, as Nelly gets all sombre and stuff. There’s some brushed drums and over-strained singing. Oh, and some utterly unnecessary scratching. It basically sounds like Katie Melua but a bit louder. And then she does some of the old verbal pyrotechnics at the end. Yeah, well. Never mind.


We’re losing 1-0 to bloody Portsmouth at time of writing. Which is annoying, if somewhat inevitable. It has been a crap weekend, and the chart’s not been much better thus far, as here’s Beenie being ever so slightly nondescript. He yells “C’MON!” at one point. The song doesn’t respond. He rolls his “r’s” in the next verse. It isn’t helping.

13) KYLIE MINOGUE – Red Blooded Woman

Christ, it’s like I’ve been chloroformed or something. This song’s been in the chart… three weeks? Jeebus. Put it away, dear. Pfft.

12) FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE – Stacy’s Mom

They were on TOTP this week, all seemingly looking like that bloke that played bass for the Rolling Stones for about a month in the 1970’s then went on to be a music teacher, or something like that. I don’t know. Anyway, I like this. The suspiscion that it’s essentially Busted with worry lines lingers, except everything’s just a lot… better. The keyboard fuzz in the chorus, the harmonising, the backing vocals, the lead vocals, the not-having-Busted’s-stupid-fucking-faces… oh, and handclaps that sound like they mean it. I’ve missed those. Lovely.

11) GEORGE MICHAEL – Amazing

Sorry, it isn’t just me, it can’t be – this chart really is very dull. Here’s George doing a single that sounds like more or less every single he’s done since… oh, I don’t know. The mid-90’s, that vague enough? Aside from when he decided to start challenging social taboos through his music a couple of years ago, which is when he got really shit. This is just very dull.

And now we’ve gone and bloody lost 1-0 to Portsmouth. Christ. Here’s the top ten, featuring Usher and Will Young and, umm, some other records.

10) BLACK EYED PEAS – Hey Mama

Revolutionising hip-hop by noticing that ‘dividends’ rhymes with lots of other words. This is their song for being ‘in the club’. It’s better than their other two singles. Almost enjoyable. Not quite though. I’ll elaborate next week, when I feel less miffy.

9) PETER ANDRE – Mysterious Girl

I should probably thank Dom for covering for me last week at some point, and I was off getting dinner when this was on, so now seems as good a time as any.

8) JENNIFER LOPEZ ft. R KELLY – Baby I Love You

Which she proves by going ‘Ooh!’ a lot. Brilliant as R Kelly can be, he doesn’t half saddle himself with some toss.

7) JAMELIA – Thank You

A bit of a peak in an ocean of troughs.


And not as good as 10CC either. I think I have a cold.

5) N.E.R.D. – She Wants To Move (NEW ENTRY)

Their first ever entry inside the top 20, a decent bit of Pharrell getting his guitar on that I thought was rather dull when I first heard it, but somehow it’s grown on me. Dunno how. But it’s the insistency of the drums, and the guitar wank, somehow it just picks me up and whoosh! Away. Good good.


And this is very good too, though I’m currently sneezing like a bastard so the effect’s diminished a bit.


This, though, is brilliant, as Mr Young justifies his existence by getting his West End musical on in full effect. Chorus: “What you gon’ do?” Will: “I don’t know!” Chorus: “What you gon’ say?” Will: “I ain’t sure!” THIS is how you do jacket and jeans, Cullum, you shiftless tit! Oor Wullie’s looking increasingly like he’s got this whole radio-friendly pop thing squarely under his thumb, and really, this should have been a number 1. But it’s not.

2) DJ CASPER – Cha-Cha Slide

I’m having conflicting emotions about this. On the one hand, it does sound a bit rubbish. On the other, it’s a song of dance instructions that doesn’t make any sense. I don’t mind having conflicting emotions, I just wish they were about something more interesting than “Criss Cross! Criss Cross!”


He’s a prat in a wide variety of hats, all of which are equally uninteresting. Somehow, in a chart that’s been this uneventful, it’s almost inevitable he’s at the top, with his unremarkable voice, like a more irritating Nate Dogg, and his really good dancing, where he prats about like a robot to roughly no effect at all. Fortunately, he has some useful mates. Unfortunately, they completely blow him away. Li’l Jon doesn’t really do anything other than yell “YEAH!”, and he’s still more relevant. As for Ludacris, well… it’s a shame that the UK just hasn’t taken to him, cos he is great, isn’t he? He ambles up nonchalantly, “left the Jag at home and took the Rolls”, and just flows charm for a verse. It’s at this point you realise why these women are throwing themselves at Usher (like he keeps on telling everyone) – Luda’s otherwise engaged.

By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2004-03-22
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