The Singles Jukebox
R. Kelly vs. Some Goths: Who Wins?

it’s a slow week, or so it would seem – Atomic Kitten re-enter at #40 for no apparent reason, while Junior Senior cling on for yet another week of magnificence at #38. And hell, the Stereophonics are down 15 to #36, so it can’t be all bad. Except, even more pointlessly, D-Side re-enter at #31. Ah.

New entries outside of the top 20 – Yoko Ono #35, Ashley Hamilton #27, Grandaddy #23, Kings Of Leon #22.

Into the 20 we do wander...

20) IIO – At The End (NEW ENTRY)

From New York, thus proving that Europe isn’t the only place that can do shit dance records that Dave Pearce quite likes. Anyway – they did Rapture, which wasn’t actually that bad, but this... this just isn’t very good. The woman’s voice sounds like the horrendous screechmonkey out of Zero 7, but more rubbish, like. The song itself is somewhat similar to S Club Juniors’ New Direction, but, again, more rubbish. I’ll see if I can remember it in a couple of songs time.

19) RADIOHEAD – There There

I still don’t really care about this. The backing vocals do sound rather like Steve Mason out of the Beta Band, though, who I used to think I looked a bit like, before realising that I didn’t. I still reckon I can do a half-decent impression of his voice, though. So, yeah, that’s a good thing that the backing vocals sound like him. Yup.

18) TOMCRAFT – Loneliness

This is still better, though. Sixth week in the chart, so I’m now trying to remember the chronological order of the number ones previous to it... think this knocked Busted off the top, who themselves displaced Room 5, who displaced... hmm. I’ve forgotten. Eh, it was ages ago, anyway. And if it’s behind Room 5 in my recollections, then it probably ain’t worth remembering anyway. Unless it’s the Delgados, which I don’t think it was.

17) GIRLS ALOUD – No Good Advice

Thinking about it, it might’ve been Gareth Gates. God, that’s depressing. This is very good, though, which leads to dilemma – do I get the album or not? I mean, after the absolutely evangelical experience that was me getting Junior Senior the other week, I’m willing to take a punt, but still... I dunno. Nicola Roberts is very frightening. Buying pop albums is a nightmare for the indie child. I remember buying the TATU album, think I bought a Cinerama single solely so I could hide it behind that...

16) 50 CENT – In Da Club

Down four, which is probably its biggest slide, like, ever. How many of his witticisms will Big Brovaz misappropriate on their next single, I wonder. I’m going for twenty-three, myself. His next single features Nate Dogg, and is going head to head on June 30th with the new single by Black Box Recorder. C’mon, Lady PVC Trousers...

15) ABS – Stop Sign

Thing about this one – I’m not entirely sure Abs knew what the backing was gonna sound like. So he’s singing it like he’s in Another Level, being all fil-thee and stuff, and it’s going all sort of cod-Northern Soul in the back. His voice just doesn’t go with it, and it comes out naff. Ah well.

14) MELANIE C – On The Horizon (NEW ENTRY)

I have now utterly forgotten what Iio sounded like. I am in the process of forgetting what this sounds like too. It’s rather similar to S Club’s really unmemorable moments (the really, really unmemorable ones), except without Bradley being all hard over the top. Sucky.


He was on Jonathan Ross’ telly show this week, but apparently he’s been barred from playing some festival in New York by the city authority. I have no idea whether that makes us or America best. But this is rubbish, anyway, him yelling “It’s better than a SEX SCENE” like a man who really isn’t qualified to compare anything with a sex scene, then for no apparent reason grrrowling “PAIN!” towards the end. Go away.

12) BIG BROVAZ – Favourite Things

Least Favourite Things About This Song, #2: The way the second bloke thinks he’s rapping in the style of Outkast, but in fact is merely too rubbish to count the syllables in his lines so they scan properly, and as such sounds like a muppet.

11) EMMA BUNTON – Free Me

May or may not be servicing Justin Timberlake. Britney must be well jealous at that one. Incidentally, it would appear Emma cannot sing the word ‘loose’, which is a bit of a problem cos it’s one of the main words in the chorus, and as such this song is the first one that is actually paining me this week.

Now for the top 10... three new entries, two good, one probably going to be a bit shite. And the shite one is probably coming up very soon. Deep breaths, Will... in we go!

10) ONE TRUE VOICE – Shakespeare’s (Way With) Words (NEW ENTRY)

Oh dear. Considering how much of a panning they get off everyone for ‘losing’ Popstars, it’s tempting to stick up for them... but then you remember just how shit they are. This is written by Rick Astley, who I think Pete Waterman once described as the best voice since Sinatra. Sinatra didn’t write songs, though, did he? It’s all very ‘up-tempo number’, sounds like Brother Beyond scrubbed up a little, the main feller sings very much like Danny out of Hear’Say (second album still £1.99 in Virgin in Croydon, in case you’re interested), the rest do the whole Lee from Blue ‘groan’ thing in the back. It’s shite.


Women want to sex him, men want to be him. Well, Abs does, anyway. Less and less impressive as the weeks pass, but still better than, ooh, One True Voice.


Horrendous Ibiza cover of horrendous former Eurovision winner goes up a place. Featuring pan-pipes. This country sucks.

7) SEAN PAUL – Get Busy

No, actually – this country’s great! Cos here’s Sean Paul, being fifteen times the man Justin could ever be – better beats, better rhymes, vastly superior flow, doesn’t feel the need to indicate passion by going all dog-whistle-pitched, cooler anorak, and his haircut doesn’t make him look like a gerbil. Who is the man? That would be him.

6) SHANIA TWAIN – Forever and For Always (NEW ENTRY)

But now back to the toss, as Shania goes back to her country roots. It sounds like Captain and Tenille being very, very bored. (Yes, I miscounted the number of shit new ones in the top ten this week. Piss off.)

5) ELECTRIC SIX – Gayyyyyyy Barrrrrrrrrrrr (NEW ENTRY)

The Fast Show of modern pop – come up with lines seemingly tailor made to be repeated by cunts ad infinitum (their main supporters at Radio 1 – Colin Murray and Scott Mills), obscuring the fact that they’re mega quality. Gayyyyyyyyyyyy barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Guitar-o-disc-o-tastic in a way that’s not quite as good as their last one, but still good enough. Plus which, this now makes them more successful than One True Voice, having released the same amount of singles. This Is Funny.

4) S CLUB – Goodbye/Love Ain’t Gonna Wait For You

Fuck off and retire already.


And if you could take these with you also, that would be quite nice.

2) R KELLY – Ignition (Remix)

It is over! The Queen Is Dead! Having held off Girls Aloud, Justin Timberlake and S Club, he’s been done by a bunch of Christian nu-Goths with a song off the soundtrack to Daredevil. Improbable and incomprehensible to the last... we shall not see his like again.


And so the story of the UK Top 40 in 2003 wends its path ever weirder. This one is rammed full of things that are not-quite-great – the woman has a decent voice, but not a great one; the strings are likewise; the bloke sounds like a less twatstyle version of the one with the hat out of Linkin Park – yet all this not quite greatness melts together to become... fantastic. Overblown one-hit wonder masterpiece in the vein of “Independent Love Song” and “Take My Breath Away”, tinkly piano bits, ultra-chunky guitars, lots of howling and a skyscraping, bomb-dropping chorus – the album is probably naff, but this is their moment and for now, they’re brill. And next week, they’re probably being replaced by Christina Aguilera covering Queen Of The Night. Ah well. SAYYYYYYYYYYYVE MEH!

By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2003-06-08
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