The Singles Jukebox
Pissing On Your Spandex, Momma



new entries outside the top 20: Foo Fighters #37 (the fourth single off an album by the Foo Fighters, and it sounds just as thrilling as that would suggest); Yeah Yeah Yeahs #26 (or How To Justify Your Existence In Three And A Half Minutes – lovely frayed-edge ballad, guitars like helicopters, and Karen O actually lives up to the hype with a lovely over-emotional despairing vocal… gorgeous. Unjustly likened to the Pretenders, which is wrong, because the Pretenders are shit); Feeder #24 (A Feeder Single – dull but not quite hate-worthy); and Clea #21 (the girls that didn’t get to be in Girls Aloud. The backing is fantastic. The vocals aren’t. Oh well).

So here’s the top twenty, with seven new entries. Let’s try and pretend the Black Eyed Peas aren’t gonna be number one again.

20) JURGEN VRIES – Wilderness (NEW ENTRY)

Rubbish-o trance-o man from Essex who has decided to adopt a Belgian pseudonym. The music more than lives up to this exciting premise.

19) CHRISTINA AGUILERA ft. LI’L KIM – Can’t Hold Us Down

Southampton lost 1-0 yesterday to bloody Middlesbrough. So there won’t be any pictures of that this week. On the other hand, Glenn Hoddle got sacked this week.



“ohdear_200” indeed.

18) ULTRABEAT – Pretty Green Eyes

Hmm. It’s the new XTM, innit…

17) LOUISE – Pandora’s Kiss

I saw her doing this on TOTP. She’s very… domesticated, isn’t she? Rarely have the words “Damn you’re so fine” been delivered with so little conviction. And the less said about the ROKK backing, the better.

16) METALLICA – Frantic (NEW ENTRY)

“MY LIFESTYLE! DETERMINES MY DEATHSTYLE!” There are loud bits, there are quiet bits, and it feels like it lasts for about half an hour. This is probably because it does. S’alright, I suppose.

15) SO SOLID CREW – Broken Silence

I remember when Eternal said they thought fans would be impressed by their new social conscience, before delivering one of the worst singles of their or anyone else’s career in “Don’t You Love Me” (sample lyric: “Why does Granny have to walk the street/Just to find a loaf of bread to eat?”). This is a lesson So Solid could really have done with learning.

14) THE UD PROJECT – Summer Jam (NEW ENTRY)

Hmm… apparently massive in the Benelux, and it’s a not entirely dislikeable bit of ‘dance Euro’, with a peculiarly apathetic vocal declaring that “We’re gonna party as much as we can”. However, I think there’s a bit of accordion in the background somewhere, which can never be a bad thing.

13) ELTON JOHN – Are You Ready For Love

It’s a bugger with Southampton not winning, cos that means I can only put up pictures of, I dunno, Kevin Phillips getting sent off, or something, which I don’t really fancy doing. So, first in a new series so that I can avoid talking about track about which I can’t be fussed –

QUESTIONS ABOUT POP YOU NEVER REALLY HEAR ASKED THAT MUCH.

#1 – Who’s Your Favourite Member Of Clinic?



12) BLU CANTRELL ft SEAN PAUL – Breathe

This may well still be the best song in the top 20. I can’t decide if that’s depressing or not. Oh well. Till another video comes along that pays as much attention to detail regarding irrelevant parts of cars, this still rules.

11) WESTLIFE – Hey Whatever

Hmm. Have they had it? Here’s hoping. For a band that were always terrible, this is still a particular low, especially the bit where one of them decides to go a bit ‘husky’ and growls something about “taking a seat at the roulette table, and you’re spinning the wheel,” at which point it gets a bit indecipherable. It’s quite cautionary, this week’s chart – mature directions don’t work, particularly when you decide to unveil them by filling out and playing golf.

And so here’s the top ten. We’ve not exactly been firing on all cylinders thus far, for which I suppose I ought to apologise. Hopefully the following ten can turn it around. Though the following ten does feature Nickelback and Dido, so I wouldn’t hold out much hope.

10) NICKELBACK – Someday

Heeeere’s Chadders! And he is feeling ANGST… in exactly the same way as he always does, i.e. with extreme plodding. He’s had a haircut, so now he looks like Robbie Savage with a beard. I get the feeling that even if he knew who Robbie Savage was, Chad would probably still think this was a good thing. Ohdear_200.

9) DELTA GOODREM – Innocent Eyes (NEW ENTRY)

Crikey… do you remember R Kelly’s “Did You Ever Think”, wherein he got some bloke to tell him “R Kelly, you’re well skill,” and R said “Yes, I am, aren’t I”? This is a bit like that, except Delta takes both roles and has some slightly disturbing piano bits. She may well be going a bit mad. Which could yet be entertaining. But not right this minute.

8) EVANESCENCE – Going Under (NEW ENTRY)

Wheyyyyyyyyyyyy! Pseudo-Christian pseudo-goth pseudo-metal IN THE HOUUUUUUUUUSE! Obviously not as great as dear old Bring Me To Life, being as it is a bit bereft of Shouting Man, and pianos, and candelabras, but it’s still them clomping, hyper-ventilating and overdoing it marvellously, with dear old Miss Amy Lee even doing a bit of the Chester Benningtons on the growling front, which isn’t actually a very good idea. But hey. Evanescence! Are Back! Duuuuuuude! And that is a wondrous thing indeed.

7) BIG BROVAZ – Baby Boy

Oh dear. Is this actually going up the chart now? Probably got months of suffering this left… and you just know this won’t be the last single off their album either. Not fair. Go away. Murrgh.

6) JAMELIA – Superstar

This, on the other hand, is definitely going up… and that, that I can live with. Chic-style guitars on loop, squelching bass, and a synth drone in the background that sounds a bit like Kraftwerk. Catchy, classy chorus… it’s all very lovely, and I’m quite chipper now. Even if Dido and the Black Eyed Peas are still to come.

5) ELVIS PRESLEY vs. OAKENFOLD – Rubberneckin’ (NEW ENTRY)

Isn’t this the theme tune to Dial-A-Date? Seriously, this must be the theme to some late-night ‘youth’ telly programme… It’s My Life? Heavy TV? Dear me. Anyway – Elvis’ achievements are now summed up as giving rubbish people an excuse to try and resurrect big beat. Which could be a good idea, except that this is rubbish.

4) DIDO – White Flag

Ceefax have called her dull, which tempts me to like her on principle… except they sort of have a point, don’t they? The Pretty Green Eyes to B-E-P’s Breathe, which isn’t that admirable a role at all, really. I fell like I should be having a bath while this is on. It’s gone dark early and is probably raining. It still feels like school tomorrow… hated Sunday…

3) RACHEL STEVENS – Sweet Dreams My LA Ex

There have been many shit album titles this year, but in terms of singles titles… have there been any worse than this? Cos I can’t remember them. Anyway. Still not being stunned by this. Or its rhythmic gymnastics. Ah well.

2) THE DARKNESS – I Believe In A Thing Called Love (NEW ENTRY)

Wes and the whole of Radio 1 are gutted, and don’t they sound it… and I sort of agree. Cos, you know… that Black Eyed Peas single is very dull. And this is quite good, even if it was discovered by Jo Whiley. And sounds quite a bit like Guildo Hat Euch Lieb, the German entry for the Eurovision Song Contest in either 1997 or 1998 (the year Dana International won, anyway). And Colin and Edith are annoying. I think it winds Brian Molko up, which can’t be a bad thing… still. It’s odd, cos all the push was that this would be a number one, and so now it’s number two everyone’s a bit deflated. Despite the fact that they’ve only had one top twenty single beforehand, and they’re from Lowestoft, and are a bit ugly, and are A British Guitar Band, which as everyone knows is a guarantee that your record will not reach number one. So I’m a bit miffed, yeah, but I’ll explain further later.

1) BLACK EYED PEAS – Where Is The Love?

Right. I’m annoyed cos I watched CD:UK this week, and their predicted top ten matched the official one yet again. Which isn’t any fun, cos you know what’s going to happen. I like the unpredictable. And yet somehow I can’t resist looking at the midweek information, and it seems to get about a lot easier these days… so when it comes to Sunday, it’s just a proper ol’ anticlimax. Which pisses me off. This song is too meh to care about anyway. It’s hectoring socially conscious hip-hop in the manner of Spooks, who were shit enough in the first place, and is just generally Not Any Fun. I like inexplicable number ones, yes, but only if they’re any good. This is inexplicable. But it’s not any good. So, y’know… blecch. I wanna go home. Even though I am actually at home. Grr.


By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2003-09-29
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