Number Forty Is Gay
oday Blue are doing a live session throughout the show. Like Busted did a few months ago. I will therefore be swearing furiously throughout today’s piece.
New entries this week: Electric Six #40 (and they thought that people appreciated them for something other than the opportunity to repeatedly yell “GAYYYYYYY!” in public…); The Stands #39 (shitty Merseypool Dylan revivalists return, shittily); Aqualung #37 (and he thought people loved him for more than being in some car advert); DJ Bobo #36 (shitty Swiss Euro-cheese); and The Beautiful South #30 (isn’t it nice when people stop feeling the pressure to act all ‘young’?)
The Wit and Wisdom of Blue:
Wes: What do you want for Christmas?
Someone from Blue: I want some stockin’s. Wiv a girl in ‘em!!!
I hate Blue. I hate Wes (I realised the other day I haven’t been cross with Wes in weeks. This week does, if nothing else, give me ample opportunity to redress the balance). But the top 20 is coming up, TEN (count ‘em) new entries, we – are – in – for – fun. And Big Brovaz, obviously, but then you probably knew that already.
20) TEXAS ft. KARDINAL OFFISHAL – Carnival Girl
Yeah, this is dull, but what is exciting is we have CHART BATTLE! Three-way face off for the number one between Sugababes, Kevin Lyttle and Black Eyed Peas – and I didn’t watch CD:UK or nuffing! I have no idea what’s going to happen in the next hour and a bit! Except that Big Brovaz will be getting played, obviously.
19) DAVID GUETTA – Just A Little More Love (NEW ENTRY)
And so we kick off the new shit with this, which is like the Tomcraft song from ages ago but shit. Judge Jules loves it, inevitably.
18) BLU CANTRELL & SEAN PAUL – Breathe
Listened to whilst in a newsagent looking for Rib ‘n’ Saucy Nik Naks. It sounded fantastic, but then again, it usually does.
17) CHINGY – Right Thurr (NEW ENTRY)
#2 in the US. #17 here. I can just picture a flood of Daily Mail readers demanding its withdrawal for promoting slang… yes. Anyway. It’s Southern hip-hop, and for no apparent reason I don’t much care for it. I’m in a bit of a rush, cos I’m currently five songs behind… so it’s sort of OK. But not much more. Yes.
16) BIG BROVAZ – Baby Boy
Waiting in the kebab shop for a deeply unappetising looking chicken burger. Sounded shit, but then again, it usually does.
15) CRAIG DAVID – World Filled With Love (NEW ENTRY)
Still waiting in the kebab shop when this came on. Took receipt of burger and chips then headed back down the road, and as such I can only vaguely remember what it sounded like… Heart FM at 3 am on a Sturday morning in some rubbish minicab going through Kennington. Not really much fun, but about thirty quid cheaper than it usually costs to experience this feeling.
14) S CLUB 8 – Sundown
“Tonight I’m gonna find you/Come in on a breeze and blind you.” That’s not actually very nice, is it?
13) ERASURE – Oh L’Amour (NEW ENTRY)
‘Remixed’ version. It sounds like Turin Brakes. That is NOT a good thing. Best not try doing this to Sometimes, or I’ll be very, very cross indeed.
12) DIDO – White Flag
Because lest you forget, Sometimes (the Erasure song) is SOLID GOLD CLASSIC. Ohhh oh-oh-oh ahhhh-waaaahhhh…
11) BEYONCE ft. SEAN PAUL – Baby Boy
They’re still playing the godawful cut ‘n’ paste jingle. Which this song is actually better than. But is still pish.
Whew. Caught up, just in time for… more Blue LIVE AND EXCLUSIVE AND NOT ON DR FOX HAAAAAAAAA (or something like that anyway). Brilliant. Also, the Sugababes have been ‘ringing in’ every now and then to check if they’re number one or not. Which isn’t really much good for building up tension. Here’s hoping Big Kev (though from the sleeve of the single, he’s actually pretty much medium-build) gets to #1…
I’m not actually listening to the Blue bits, by the way. Because it would cause me to do damage to the Uni radio offices, which would not be good.
‘cept of course I have to occasionally check in to see if number ten’s started yet. Blue are currently doing One Love. It remains wank.
10) RACHEL STEVENS – Sweet Dreams My LA Ex
We’ve just drawn 0-0 with Everton, which ain’t bad coming off three straight 1-0 defeats. Away and everything, none too shabby. This more or less sums it up, probably:
9) THE DARKNESS – I Believe In A Thing Called Love
Or perhaps this does:
I mean, it’s Everton 0-0 Southampton. James McFadden nearly crunching Michael Svensson’s head is probably about as good as it gets, really.
8) R.E.M. – Bad Day (NEW ENTRY)
Ahh. This is quality. Exactly like It’s The End Of The World As We Know It, pretty much, and the lyrics are bollocks as ever, but there hasn’t been any decent jangle in the charts for years… well, weeks, probably. I can’t fucking remember any, anyway. Just piss off, eh?
7) SOPHIE ELLIS-BEXTOR – Mixed Up World (NEW ENTRY)
I love this. I wasn’t sure to start with, but then realised I’d listened to it about fifty times, so it must have had something going for it. Yes. Anyway, it’s the semi-usual ‘classy’ disco (she doesn’t sound posh, she sounds like an old Australian woman), which apparently was originally about the war. It does sound very like the Pet Shop Boys, obviously, and I could write loads more about it but I’m not going to cos I’ve not really got the time. Maybe on the blog. I dunno. It’s great anyway.
6) EMMA BUNTON – Maybe (NEW ENTRY)
Hmm. Seems to be repositioning herself as some kind of crap 60’s lounge act following her bobbins last single, which was like a Bond theme but shite (but in a different way to the last four Bond themes). This, however, is ‘swinging’. And you know what? It very, very nearly works. The song is all sped-up and slowed-down and string heavy be-boppy in all the right places… but Emma Bunton is a rubbish singer, so it just comes out a bit average. Now, if Sophie Ellis-Bextor had done it …
5) 50 CENT – P.I.M.P. (NEW ENTRY)
No you’re not. You’d have a better hat if you were, wouldn’t you? Anyway. It’s a bit rubbish, rather slow, rather dull, and Fiddy’s got his mates in to be rubbish over it too. Bearable. In a crap way.
4) JAMELIA – Superstar
Only down one. The implausible dream may yet become plausible… this week, it’s all about the top three, unfortunately. But this is still there or thereabouts. Also – she reckons she would ‘murder’ 50 Cent, ‘in a way he would like’. Intriguing…
3) BLACK EYED PEAS – Where Is The Love?
IT IS OVER! Boo-yah! There have been worse number ones this year. It’s just they didn’t stay on top for six weeks.
2) KEVIN LYTTLE – Turn Me On (NEW ENTRY)
Ah, bugger. Oh well. This is bluddy grate with a u and two d’s – the backing is a polyphonic ringtone, to all intents and purposes, and the man’s voice is, essentially, Charles and Eddie combined. He is singing about how “you’re going home with me tonight” and how he is very turned awwwwn. And it’s catchy as anything. It works, it just, bloody, works. Shouldn’t, but does. Fantastic.
1) SUGABABES – Hole In The Head (NEW ENTRY)
And so for the first time in ages (since Bedingfield, but it’s not like anyone fucking remembers that song in any case) a British act is at the top of the chart. And it’s quite good, really. Very similar to Round Round, though, and in all honesty not as good. And I am very disturbed by the fact that Keisha is turning very rapidly into Janet Jackson, who I despise for no apparent reason (actually, it’s her smile which really pisses me off with its intensive insincerity). But there have been worse number ones… haven’t there…