The Singles Jukebox
No, Honest, I'm Not Emo

in the albums rundown, Wes plays Daniel Bedingfield’s new single. It is the sixth off his album. Is that meant to be an attempt at art or something?

In any case, The Darkness hold off the forces of darkness (i.e. Starsailor) in the albums. Huzzah.

New entries outside of the top 40:

Junior Jack #34 (responsible for Room 5. Bastard); Sting #30 (Sting gets a nice Arabic sounding loop and decides to try and sound like that awful Seal single from last week. Fool); and Placebo #27 (they get reflective in a surprisingly effective way – lyrics are obviously classic Moloko, though – “six months off for bad behaviour” – well, I’m certainly subverted).

20) NELLY, P DIDDY & MURPHY LEE – Shake Ya Tailfeather

So anyway, apologies for the absence last week, so obviously you’ve missed my ultra-vital opinions on certain singles, including this. It’s pish. I might mind Nelly less if he sounded less like a three-year-old who just done a sicky on the dog and is desperate to let all the adults in the room know. Actually, probably not. Think this Murphy Lee person is namechecking the Thundercats, though, which is nice of him.

19) MUSE – Time Is Running Out

This was also new last week. And it sounds like most other Muse singles ever, except seemingly with finger-clicks, which no-one really seems to go for anymore, so well done Muse for attempting their rehabilitation. There’s some nice piano bits somewhere in the middle, too.

18) MARY J. BLIGE ft. METHOD MAN – Love At First Sight (NEW ENTRY)

“The Queen Of Hip-Hop Soul”. What a rubbish nickname. Anyway, this is pretty decent in a standard-order late-90s R&B; manner, and certainly a lot better than that thing she did with Common where he seemed to suggest that failure to dance to Mary J. Blige records would result in the ghost of Marvin Gaye getting upset. Oh, hang on, here’s Method Man to namecheck all her previous records, because that isn’t annoying, oh no.

17) CHEMICAL BROTHERS ft. WAYNE COYNE – The Golden Path (NEW ENTRY)

Other things that obviously aren’t annoying: attempting to reprise “Everybody’s Free To Wear Sunscreen” by getting Wayne Coyne to talk like David Bowie before breaking into that bloody “see the won-derrr” croak of his at the end, because “Fight Test,” that wasn’t a fucking dreadful song, oh no.

16) ULTRABEAT – Pretty Green Eyes

Oh good, familiar territory. So let’s have a picture instead, and here’s Good triumphing over the team managed by Evil, sort of:



Obviously, Good was wearing its away strip yesterday.

15) GARETH GATES – Sunshine

And we missed this last week too, but this week it falls – eek! – 12 places! IS TELEVISION DEAD?!?!? Or perhaps it’s because it’s like the Lemar single, insofaras it has a bass guitar on it, except this isn’t sung by Lemar, hasn’t got his backing vocals of ultimate glory, and is just generally piss on a stick.

14) CHRISTINA AGUILERA ft. LI’L KIM – Can’t Hold Us Down

I also missed this reunion of half the cast of the Obviously Not Completely Bloody Unlistenable Cover Version Of Lady Marmalade Off The Soundtrack To Moulin Rouge. This song continues in the vein of its predecessor – somewhat more palatable, in that Christina isn’t trying to put the French language six feet under on this single, but it’s another of those singles that thinks the word ‘bitch’ is a really edgy thing to put in your pop song. You know swear words. Well done. Go on, say ‘piss’, if it makes you happy…

13) JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE – Senorita (NEW ENTRY)

Justin tries to keep it real, and it smacks right back in his face. Video is him and The Neptunes keeping music live in a bar, somewhere, and features Chad Hugo looking like a serial killer on the Hammond organ. The song itself is fairly meh, Justin yowls about how someone or other “deserves a crown”, and then goes into a fingernails-on-blackboard-esque ‘crowd sing-a-long’ bit at the end. I would explain further, but it would hurt too much.

12) BLU CANTRELL ft. SEAN PAUL – Breathe

They’re the new Sonny and Cher! Possibly. Here’s Good going 2-0 up:



11) ELTON JOHN – Are You Ready For Love



Ahhh! You eat that, Skeletor. The BBC have called this photo “Hoddle_ohdear200”, which made me smile.

Here’s the top ten, with a chart-busting SEVEN – that’s SEVEN – new entries. Limp Bizkit, Nickelback, and Westlife - all in the space of ten songs! PHWOAR!

10) LIMP BIZKIT – Eat You Alive (NEW ENTRY)

Dear god… Steve M described this as “Bizkit go prog” in the pub, and he’s not wrong. There’s a loud bit where he screams! There’s a loud bit where he sings! And there’s even a quiet bit in between them! And it’s shit. Fred Durst wants to farrrq you and sniff you. Rowr.

9) SO SOLID CREW – Broken Silence (NEW ENTRY)

They slag Dizzee Rascal. They participate in rubbish athletics-based television shows on Channel 4. And now, they have A Social Conscience. And it’s a bit boring, and I couldn’t really listen properly because I was boiling in fury because decide they NOW need to use the computer after having told me they didn’t when I asked them if they did cos I knew I need the computer between four and seven… it didn’t sound very interesting from where I was seething, in any case.

8) JAMELIA – Superstar (NEW ENTRY)

Jesus, I’m cross. Whilst this plays my brother sits and waits for me to get stuff about Henry VIII’s divorce off the internet for him. He’s been dead for five hundred years or thereabouts, for fuck’s sakes… and this is really good, as well. The chorus is lovely, sort of a little like that Javine single but better, and I can’t remember much else other than that I really liked it. Maybe she does merit being incessantly pushed as the next big thing after all…

7) BIG BROVAZ – Baby Boy

Shit.

6) NICKELBACK – Someday (NEW ENTRY)

Shit.

5) LOUISE – Pandora’s Kiss (NEW ENTRY)

Shit.

4) WESTLIFE – Hey Whatever (NEW ENTRY)

Shit.

3) DIDO – White Flag

Bearable. Look, I have to catch up in order that my other brother can do his physics homework that he needs the computer for that he didn’t tell me about either, and these singles are all gonna be around for years anyway, and obviously they’re fucking shit in any case. Which might raise in your mind the question “Well, if this is all he’s got to say, why is he bothering?” To which I can but say “Fuck off, I’m in a bad mood, and I’ll probably explain more fully next week. I need food.”

2) RACHEL STEVENS – Sweet Dreams My LA Ex (NEW ENTRY)

This is apparently very special for reasons I do not get. Hideously unwieldy title? ‘Sexy’ video (exactly like Lisa Scott-Lee’s one, but with ribbons instead of a chair, which presumably makes it billions of times sexier, and I do not understand this and thus I am not Richard Bacon, probably)? Puns about airports? Oh, I dunno. It’s hardly worth rioting in the streets about, anyway. It’s OK, but probably very genius-like and I’ll realise that next week ggnnnnnnnnnnrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh...

1) BLACK EYED PEAS – Where Is The Love?

Yeah, erm, politics, whoo. Is this the new R Kelly/Blu & Sean, then? Cos suddenly, I really don’t care. At least with them two the thing was supposedly close run, and when they got to #1 it just felt all the sweeter cos they were that close to being knocked off by rubbishness. This has held off Westlife, Rachel Stevens and Justin Timblewimble all in the space of one week, as well as Dido and Gawiff in previous weeks. And yet. I just don’t care. My heart is black and my body is blue. And I’m really, really cross. Ah well, here’s something that will always make me smile:



Get thee behind me, Taricco…


By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2003-09-22
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