The Singles Jukebox
Mousse "Interesting" T

album Chart Notes: Been zapping out a bit already, owing to Wes having Natasha Bedingfield in the studio to promote NATASHA BEDINGFIELD LIVE ON THE OFFICIAL UK TOP 40 NOT HIT40-UK next week. Goody.

Alexander O'Neal's Greatest Hits (he had 13 in the UK, highest being 'Criticize' which got to #4 in October 1987) is new at #12. Then at #11, it's R Kelly. They play 'Happy People'. First listen for me—rather nice, no?

The Finn Brothers classically songwrite their way to #8 and are passed over as fast as Wes knows how.

Prodigy album #1. They play the track with Liam Gallagher on. It's… awful. Imagine if Black Grape really, really stank of shit. And went on for ages. Then lobbed in a fake ending and went on even longer. This makes Kasabian sound funky.

New Entries Outside The Top 20: Kane #38 (It's The Dutch U2!!! Gosh, what a fabulous idea that is…); Jamie Scott #29 (Peter Andre soundalike gets soulful in rather boring manner); and Faithless #22 ('return to their roots' by doing a rubbish house track with Maxi Jazz gabbling pseudo-pseudo-pseudo bollocks over the top).


20) KEANE – Bedshaped

Righto—un announce—I'm having a month off this thing lest I do actually try to find Wes' home address in order to UNLEASH THE FURY. I've been rubbish lately in any case, and so the next four weeks are being helmed by four different guest curators. It all kicks off next week with Stylus' very own Man On The Edge Of Pop Music With Umlauts In The Title, Mr Edward O. Natasha Bedingfield is doing a live set on the programme. Our prayers are with him.

19) J-KWON – Tipsy

A further source of infinite ARRGH is the somewhat erratic behaviour of Southampton FC. You may recall I left you last Sunday with the news that they'd beaten Blackburn 3-2. In the past seven days, Southampton have managed to get rid of manager Paul Sturrock 'by mutual consent' after just two league games this season, then go on to lose 2-1 to Bolton due to Danny Higginbotham being a bloody moron, and then, just for fun, they lost 2-1 to Chelsea yesterday. Which wouldn't be that bad a result were it not for the fact that Chelsea's goals were an own goal and a penalty. Jesus.

18) O-ZONE – Dragostea Din Tei

Oh yes, the chart. There's five or six new entries left. The big action all happens next week. I think Radio 1 are having their first official download chart next week too, and I'm not sure if that's being integrated into this chart or done within the programme as a separate chart. Though I suppose that's more Ed's problem now.


I don't think Ed's ever had the pleasure of listening to Wes either.

16) AVRIL LAVIGNE – My Happy Ending

But on that note—Tim Kash has finally properly left Top Of The Pops! Admittedly, the hosts they have in his place aren't really much/any better and the show's still a right crock of shit and hasn't really changed in any way at all aside from his leaving, but—HE'S GONE! PRESUMABLY NEVER TO RETURN! Which, regardless of circumstances, is a Very Good Thing.

15) RAGHAV ft. JAHAZIEL – Let's Work It Out (NEW ENTRY)

Ah, Raghav! He was actually in Croydon this week, doing a signing at the HMV on Thursday (Jay Sean did one the day before). Whether this says more about Raghav or Croydon I'm not entirely sure (Raghav also promoted this single by appearing on The Mysti Show). Anyway, this is a very good little tune, the boy 'ghav is having troubles with his girl and his attempts at trying to sort it out are not being appreciated by girl. He tries to get her to listen, but she's all like "NO!" Jahaziel pops in and attempts to resolve matters by shouting. It doesn't help much. There's some nice synthy trumpet things as well.

14) SHAPESHIFTERS – Lola's Theme

The iPod's not been giving me this much anymore. Now it seems intent on forcing Fonda 500 into my ears, which is a shame cos they're not really very good.


Acceptably loud and shiny nu-metal where he howls about "Our Last Summer" possibly because he is doomed and we are all doomed because of… fuck knows. He goes on about it a lot though, so presumably it's something important.

12) ANASTACIA – Sick and Tired

See, I've already had dinner, which I hoped would provide me with a bit of energy and get-up-and-go-ness to find sufficient things to say about everything. It hasn't happened, for some reason. This is still pretty decent, though.

11) STONEBRIDGE ft. THERESE – Put 'Em High

She looks and dances sort of like those people they get on Eurotrash. I was expecting Maria McErlane to dub her voice in a humorous East Midlands accent. Didn't happen. Enh.


And it's the one where Dizzee breaks the USA… by signing to Matador. Hmm. Anyway—after a not very long period of time Dizzee returns with a song that's got a bloody sweet chorus, dead nice pizzicato strings as he exhorts "Backs up, backs up, back off the wall", shouting out to more or less all the areas of the world he can think of except for the people he doesn't like, who can fuck off. Which is fair enough. The beat is rapid and haphazard, banging and slamming all over the place to match his gobbing, and the whole thing is really very good.

9) MOUSSE T ft. EMMA LANFORD – Is It Cos I'm Cool? (NEW ENTRY)

Mousse T attempts to satirise celebrity culture. Mousse T fails. However, that's by the by, cos this is more interesting than all that. This song doesn't really go anywhere, or do anything, and everything it does do is underplayed to a quite staggering extent. There's an attempt at a guitar solo about two minutes in. It sounds a bit like Status Quo with handclaps. It's followed by a false ending for no reason. Then the song starts again exactly like it's been going all the way along, chug-chug bass and drums, with Lanford singing these lyrics that don't ever seem to stop, just a slow, steady flow of things slagging off celebrity hangers-on. There's no verse or chorus or anything, just the lyrics going on and on. There's some strings towards the end. There's the wondering why Mousse T has done a song about celebrity, considering he's not really been heard of since he did that song on the Tom Jones covers album. There's the realisation that this is number nine. It wanders along drunkenly till it just sort of ends at the, er, end. And I'm utterly charmed for no reason I could possibly ever justify.

8) SUGABABES – Caught In A Moment (NEW ENTRY)

A not strictly necessary release for what basically amounts to Another Sugababes Ballad, Somewhat Like All The Other Ones—you know, lots of strings, voices go longing and stuff, quite quiet until they have a bit of a loud bit towards the end, all sounds like it's soundtracking a Lexus advert… Not that that's a bad thing, mind. Just a bit familiar now.

7) THE STREETS – Dry Your Eyes

Oh yes, I feel I should make a retraction of the comments I made about Javine's last single a couple of weeks ago, cos they played it earlier today and it's actually rather good. There's these weird electric thunderflash noises in the intro that are quite something, and the rest of the song continues in similar vein, sounding like it should be described as generic, but somehow it… isn't. And I forget why, exactly.

6) BUSTED – Thunderbirds Are Go/3AM

"No Strings To Hold Them DOWWWN!!!" Yeah, eat that Gerry Anderson. Don't need your stupid approval. We got Riker off Star Trek: The Next Generation directing. Hah.

I have not seen the new live-action movie version of Thunderbirds. And I don't plan on doing so.

5) GOLDIE LOOKIN' CHAIN – Guns Don't Kill People, Rappers Do

Made reference to 'sex wees', like Avid Merrion. Don't like them anymore.

4) MAROON 5 – She Will Be Loved (NEW ENTRY)

So anyway, this is their ballad. He's sensitive. There's some pianos or strings, one of the two (or possibly both). His voice is all mewly. "She wheeeeeell billuh." Cannot stop the tears, presumably. Alexander O'Neal probably wouldn't be proud since they don't really seem to sweat very much.

3) THE 411 – Dumb (NEW ENTRY)

And so once again the 411 are given a fantastic beat and chorus—"Dumb-diggy-diggidy-dumb-de-dumb!"—and their lyrics let the side down a bit.

You were lookin' right at me
Lookin' right back
We knew there was something there
And I know you knew that if we did do this
It would be an affair

Enh. Still, at least they don't crop up as often as they did on 'On My Knees', and that chorus… that is very, very nice indeed.

2) 3 OF A KIND – Baby Cakes

Now willing to accept that this is Not That Bad. But nothing more. I just can't get into it. The chorus follows you round like a bad smell for days on end, but not cos you want it to, just cos you can't get it out of your head for some reason. I just can't bloody enjoy it and don't feel the slightest inclination to try. So, er, there, or something.


Had to purposely run across the stage on Top Of The Pops after being caught out of position for her camera-punching bit. Avwiw in three.

So anyway, that's it from me till October, but trust that the guest editors will most certainly do a fantastic job for the whole of next month. Hope they enjoy it, hope you do too. Most of all, though, hope Wes follows Kash to the exit…

By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2004-08-30
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