The Singles Jukebox
Lawnt Bowlio

album Chart Notes: Erm, U2 are still #1, that's about it. They play 'City Of Blinding Lights'. It's not bad. Crucially, it's not 'Like Toy Soldiers', which gets played earlier on because it's Eminem's next single. That remains quite excruciating.

New Entries Outside The Top 20: Beastie Boys #38 (The beat's alright… but their rapping is sooo dulllll, and there's about four minutes of them muttering about their favourite DVD shop or something. They like New York. Mmm); Paul Holt #35 (better-than-expected though still fairly cobblers Cowell-baiting novelty single); Ash #33 (it's an Ash single. It's one of their 'rocking' ones. And it's really dull); The Corrs #31 (it's a Corrs single, it's one of their 'ballad' ones, THANK YOU IRELAND—though to be fair, it's better than the Ash single. For a couple of minutes, anyway, but then it starts to drag. A lot); Brian Wilson #30 (it's 'Good Vibrations'. This is as good as this afternoon's going to get. And it's really, really good. I do rather need to get SMiLE when I get the money); Mousse T ft. Emma Lanford #28 (smashing stuff—you know when Jools Holland gets an upcoming soul singer type to perform with his Rhythm & Blues Orchestra, covering 'Get Rhythm' or something? Mousse is either trying to homage that or rip the piss out of it. Emma's had a few Lambrini's and appears to be trying to do a karaoke version of 'Free Your Mind' by En Vogue. This is quite, quite genius); and Maroon 5 #27 (hey guys! Let's improvise!)



Now, I've been a bit harsh on this the past few weeks. The accordions in the intro are actually really good, and the rest… well, it's pretty passable, isn't it? It just feels like it's had the generic bag of tricks thrown at it, pretty bland whizzy noises and echoes and so on. Not great, but decent.

19) JAY-Z ft. LINKIN PARK – Encore/Numb

How the fuck is this still in the top 20?

18) JOJO ft. BOW-WOW – Baby It's You

Bow-Wow sings about how many groupies he has.


And… this is still in the top 20 as well. Yeah, bit of a slow week. Still, Christmas #1 next week, eh? That'll be fun.

16) BRIAN McFADDEN – Irish Son

It'll quite probably be Band Aid. However, Bryian reckons it will be his close associate Ronan Keating's cover of 'Father & Son'. Coincidentally, Ronan's announced all the profits from that single will be going to Band Aid. Hmm…

15) 3rd WISH – Obsesion (Si Es Amor) (NEW ENTRY)

Erm… this has been massive all over Europe. How? Vague sloppiness as three Latino boys (poss. 'hawt') moan about how they want some girl, possibly featuring the line "Seen you with your amigo / But he don't look so big-o". I might have mis-heard that. This isn't very good, anyhow.

14) EMINEM – Just Lose It

I have been accused of phoning it in lately. In not entirely unrelated news, 'Just Lose It' has now been in the top twenty for six weeks.

13) UNITING NATIONS – Out Of Touch

Up three from last week, a song I really should have formed an opinion on by now… erm… it's quite nice in a sort of disco-house sort of way. There's some bits that are sort of a bit xylophone, bit bells… they're quite good. Sorry.

12) SNOOP DOGG ft. PHARRELL – Drawp It Like It's Hawwwt

This, however, is ver business. The lard. Pharrell not yelping "SEXEE!" at any point. Snoop just generally sounding cool as fuck. An expert piece of not doing anything at all. "Snoooooooo-Oop!" = why has Pharrell not thought of getting inspiration off Lush before? Next week, The Clipse's take on 'Ladykillers'…


And this is also ver business, too. You sort of know that already, though.

Band Aid is yr new download #1.

10) GWEN STEFANI – What You Waiting For?

Oh yeah, the football. Southampton appointed Harry Redknapp as manager this week, two weeks after he left Portsmouth because he needed a break. Hmm. Anyway, Saints' first game of the new red-faced era started with them going 2-0 up against fifth placed Middlesbrough. And then, in the last two minutes, conceding two goals to draw 2-2. Welcome Harry!


I've completely run out of things to say. This record still sounds utterly average. I'm at least six songs behind. I don't really care. This really has been a quite rubbish week.

8) ROBBIE WILLIAMS – Misunderstood (NEW ENTRY)

Robbie sings a ballad in a really posh accent for some reason. There is country-esque twanging. I remain resolutely unmoved.

7) GREEN DAY – Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

I get the feeling I should be thinking this is brilliant… It bangs and wallops and plods, but not in an especially ploddy way, the "I walk alone" bit is very good, and yet I'm still not entirely there. I'm not quite sure why, but I don't totally feel it just yet. Using the first-person pronoun a lot today, aren't I?

6) LEMAR – If There's Any Justice

They played the X-Factor winner's new single earlier on. His name's Steve, and he's covered 'Against All Odds'. It'll be out early next year and probably be quite huge, so you can wait till then to find out if I either think it's genius or still have a functioning pair of ears.

5) GIRLS ALOUD – I'll Stand By You

I've only just realised that this sounds a bit like 'Stay' by Shakespear's Sister, or at least the bits of that that Marcella Detroit sings. The Siobhan Fahey bits are rather different.

4) DESTINY'S CHILD – Lose My Breath

The chart's just finished, by the way.

3) ICE CUBE ft. MACK 10 & MISS TOI – You Can Do It

Apparently this is only five years old, which means I confused it with something else last week. It also doesn't seem to actually feature Mack 10's voice in any way. Why could that be? Mack 10 knows:

You can't run from the truth.


Wherein Kylie collaborates with the Scissor Sisters, and, much like Snoop and Pharrell, it's the triumph of a song where not much happens. There's some nice airy synths, and some verses that have Kylie doing a sort-of low mumble thing, but this song is pretty much all about the bit where she breaks from the mumble and ascends into a chorus of "Bhudd ahhhh-haaaaaa-ahhhh bulleevieyewwww!" She sounds, quite frankly, like a goddess. The Scissors are aware that they're in the presence of an idol, and they treat her as such, with Kylie sounding like a foreign country throughout, but in the moment of the chorus staring straight down the camera and right through you. It's quite mesmerising.

1) BAND AID 20 – Do They Know It's Christmas?

So then. HISTORY. A heroic gathering together of all the famous credible artists in the whole of Britain to raise money for Africa. Well done. Lots of money is raised. They applaud themselves at the end. Congratulations to the famous people. I can't be fucked with writing about this. It's nice how most of the news reports have focused on the famous people as opposed to whoever is starving. It's nice how most of my fellow students have suddenly become aware that Sudan is a Muslim country SO THEY DON'T KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS ANYWAY FNARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! It's nice how they've decided Dizzee Rascal's bit (the only new lyrics, from what I can tell) is the most embarrassing part. It's nice that we finally have a record that segues from Chris Martin into Dido. It's nice how people have been trying to make out that this is in some way a great triumph over adversity—I think at one point, just before the famous people met A Genuine African, Bob Geldof told them "This is why you've given up your Sunday." It's nice that the music industry can once more remind us how important it is. It's nice that a single designed to raise millions of pounds in aid for the third world can arouse only intense cynicism and bile in me. It's all so very nice.

By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2004-12-13
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