The Singles Jukebox
I have two Sigur Ros albums, you know

the Coral top the album charts this week, so sadly we don’t get to hear Beyonce being OUTSTANDING LIVE on JO WHILEY (not on CAPITAL or a COMMERCIAL RADIO STATION, and particularly NOT DR FOX). No, we get Pass It On instead. Oh.

New entries outside the top 20 - Hot Hot Heat #38 (Canadian new-wave synth-pop types. Fucking horrible); Dandy Warhols #34 (alrighty 'downtempo number' with a few synths and gubbins, rather less smackable than usual); Maria Willson #29 (The British Avril Lavigne: 1) girl; 2) rubbish); and Junior Senior #22 (done an utter bloody disservice by everyone ever fucky fucky. It's genius, but if you didn't already know that then you can fuck off.)

Here comes the twenty. One week I will come up with an effective pun about this involving Here Comes The Nice by The Small Faces. Just not this week is all.

20) JAVINE – Real Things

Time not being very kind to it, cos the lyrics just sound worse and worse... but what would Katie Griffiths of ballboy say?


Answer – nothing. She’d probably just titter in a slightly embarrassed fashion. She’s great.


Extremo. It’s emo, but EXTREME. Y’know, like Extreme Dinosaurs, or ‘More Than Words’ by Extreme. I don’t like it very much, as you might possibly have guessed. If Biffy Clyro were Welsh, they would sound like this. Actually, they already do. Do you remember My Vitriol? No? Well done.

18) EMINEM – Business

Go away. You no fun anymore. Unlike Ollie from MBICR, possibly.

17) WAYNE WONDER – No Letting Go

Here is James from MBICR.

I am unaware of his opinion of Wayne Wonder.

16) R KELLY – Ignition Remix

Wes doesn’t bother introducing this, just lets the intro float in, and it’s easily the greatest thing he’s ever done.

He then comes out of it by bigging up his fucking Busted competition yet again. They may have a record out. Or perhaps they just enjoy being on every television programme ever. Except ‘For Your Love’, obviously.

15) PINK & WILLIAM ORBIT & A FERRET – Feel Good Time

And so to complete the set, Emily Gray of MBICR.

Two notes:

1) we do not endorse the smoking;

2) We do not necessarily mean to imply that Beck is a ferret. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. I don’t actually like Beck, though. He does seem a bit of a tit.

I am not wrong.

14) FAST FOOD ROCKERS – Fast Food Song

MBICR wow it up live:

Not even gonna pretend that has the slightest thing to do with this.


Not as good as the song of the same name by The Datsuns. Ballad. Dull. Bit of Spanish guitar, which may or may not have something to do with that.

12) DEEPEST BLUE – Deepest Blue

This sounds like Chicane. But without Bryan Adams. For the first and possibly last time, that severely detracts from the appeal.

I have never knowingly spotted Busted on ‘Now Is The Time – Night Of Combat: Kickboxing’ either.

I have two Sigur Ros albums, you know.

11) STEREOPHONICS – Maybe Tomorrow

Obviously ripped off The Littlest Hobo (“Mehbee toomarraow ah’ll fahnd mah wehhhhh hurrm”). I am now imagining the Stereophonics being savaged by dogs. Big dogs. Alsatians, maybe. Or Dobermanns. Maybe both, actually. It’s a nice thought.

And World of Sport. Admittedly, this hasn’t been on for a good decade, but Busted haven’t ever been on it. They can’t manipulate time, I don’t think. Christ, they’ve only had the one number one, and that got knocked off by Tomcraft after a week, so they can’t be that skilled.

Here comes the top ten, with five new entries. Is Radio 1 and the BBC in general about to be subverted upside its head?

10) That bloody song with the fucking pan pipes again.

I must reiterate here:

Panjabi MC, he say, “No”:

To be fair, we’ve still got Kosheen to look forward to. The fun never ends.

9) EVANESCENCE – Bring Me To Life

I will write an article on this. It will be bluddy grate. It will not nick catchphrases from PopEx, because I’ve not played that in years and it was rubbish anyway. This is still top, to as great an extent as a song that’s at number nine can be top. Yeah. Isobel Campbell:


Return of the ultimate non-threatening boy. He wants to know if you’d like to go for a drink with him. He reckons that Pirates Of The Caribbean might be quite good. Johnny Depp is quite good in it, apparently. You tell him you aren’t interested, however, because he’s rubbish.

7) KOSHEEN – All In My Head (NEW ENTRY)

Does this constitute jumping the shark? Cos, y’know, they were quite pish in the first place. But now, they sound like Texas. Yeah, stuff all that, “Hey, we’re the new face of drum and bass!” booshidd, let’s make the music we want. Let’s boom it out of the Mondeo at an acceptable volume.

6) BENNY BENASSI – Satisfaction

Dom reckons this song is shit. He proposes some jokes from the Biggest Pub Joke Book Ever instead.

The only time a man thinks about a candlelit dinner is when the power goes off.

What did God say after creating man? “Hmm, I can do better than that.”

What does a ghost take for constipation? Spirit of figs.

5) BEYONCE – Crazy In Love

More Isobel:

And more joke:

What did Julius Caesar say when he saw the elephants come down the hill?

“Plums are coming down the hill.” (He was colourblind).

£9.99 in all good bookshops. Or, more likely, The Works.

4) DANIEL BEDINGFIELD – Never Gonna Leave Your Side

Is very, very, dull. He also would appear to not be a Civil War recreationist. Unlike a different Isobel Campbell to the one who used to be in Belle & Sebastian. She took this photo:

3) ROBBIE WILLIAMS – Something Beautiful (NEW ENTRY)

Robbie does sentimental ballad, spoofs Pop Idol in video, uses lots of brass in the manner of his big band covers album. Probably is a bit post-modern in the lyrics too. I don’t like this, no.

2) LUMIDEE – Never Leave You (Uh Ooh) (NEW ENTRY)

Ooh. That Diwali stuff again, isn’t it? And it’s very good. Drums and bass up high and lomping along lovely, she trills up the top, it’s all dead, dead niceness. And it’s beaten Robbie. Haaa.


This is my favourite number one in at least a month, ever since Evanescence left the top slot. Definitely one of the top three number ones of the year, if only on principle. See, the BBC and more or less everyone else was banking on Robbie at number one this week. Knebworth, Sara Cox never shutting up about him on her programme, and him just being generally every bloody where. They never mentioned this. This is not on the Radio 1 playlist. This was not mentioned on TOTP or TOTP Saturday as being a number one contender... or, in fact, existing.


Now, I hated Blu Cantrell’s previous chart hit, that being Hit Em Up Style. Her voice irks me. But this has Sean Paul on, and this bass bit with more bounce than a tumble dryer... and is generally fucking fantastic. And Wes is furious, and so is Scott Mills, and so are Colin and Edith and Coxy and Whiley and Bonnin and Cowey and Dave and Moyles... the UK’s number one, and Radio 1 completely missed it.


Katie is happy. Gordon is happy. Today, we are all winners, except Wes. Fantastic.

By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2003-08-04
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