The Singles Jukebox
HA! Your Sass Is As Nothing Compared With My Hamsterness!

beyonce is still number one in the albums. The Furries entered at four. I’ll leave you to guess my thoughts there...

New Entries outside the top 20: The Delays #40 (indie band from Southampton with an amazing debut single. This, however, is their second single, and it is very, very rubbish indeed); and Goldfrapp #25 (coffee-table types go disco and are bloody amazing at it, so obviously they couldn’t get in the top 20... grr...)

Christina Aguilera has gone 9 places up the chart. “In Da Club” has gone back up one too. Yeah, bit of a quiet week...

So here comes the top twenty. You may wish to bring a pillow.

20) DELTA GOODREM – Lost Without You

Let me make my situation clear... I’ve still got to listen to XTM, Fast Food Rockers, 21 Questions, Eminem, D-Side, The All American Rejects, The Stereophonics, Triple 8, Deepest Blue... we’re looking at this single being a highlight of the afternoon. I’m just gonna go throw up in the toilet, do excuse me.

19) MIS-TEEQ – Can’t Get It Back

Quite good song. Alright. It is quite good. And it’s probably gonna be followed by, oh... D-Side. Maybe. I dunno. Crap. Weak. Junior Senior play the Virgin Megastore Oxford Street tomorrow. I am considering bunking work to go and see it...

18) 50 CENT & NATE DOGG – 21 Questions

I am looking at Meanwhile Back In Communist Russia’s website at the moment cos it’s more interesting than this. And I have a plan. I will replace the reviews of particularly uninteresting singles with pictures of members of bands I like. It’s that dull a week...

To begin – Tim from MBICR:

17) D-SIDE – Invisible

Sarah Nixey, goddess-in-chief of Black Box Recorder:

(D-Side are rubbish.)

16) THE CORAL – Pass It On

And I can’t find a photo of Stewart Henderson from the Delgados just yet. This is decent jangle, therefore. It’s time that people who play their guitars at nipple-height made a super-dramatic comeback, innit? Or just a plain, ordinary comeback. Which this more or less represents.

15) JAVINE – Real Things

Most of the photos on the ‘gados site appear to be of Alun & Emma, which is fair enough, cos they is rock and such, but I’ve interviewed Big Hendy twice and he is a super, super bloke, and there do not appear to be any photos of him...

(Javine is quite good.)

14) EMINEM – Business

Katie Griffiths, ballboy:


(This song is rubbish. They had the video on Smile this morning... by comparison, the song is interesting.)

(I am so fucking bored right now.)

(Wes did this really, really irritating pause before this song started. Like he’s trying to build up tension about one of Eminem’s least interesting songs ever being at #14. That’s how pish this chart is...)


And this is blessed relief, probably for one week only because in other context I’d want to punch the stereo... the intro is very nice, but then it goes rather standard issue ‘MTV PunXXXXoR!!!’, and the singer is one of those who mangles his vowels in a painful manner because he is rock and such... hell, it’s better than Good Charlotte, but it’s all a bit too so-so really. He likes his long words too. Bet he likes Idlewild. Or he would if he’d heard them.

12) R KELLY – Ignition

I have never needed R to pop up more than I did just then. So many vocal hooks in this one – current personal favourite being the “Wishinow!” that pops up in one of the later choruses, though that might well have changed by next week. 12 weeks on too. Skillex.

11) FAST FOOD ROCKERS – Fast Food Song

Go Junior! Go Senior!

They have a single out tomorrow which MUST go top twenty. It MUST. As such I’m not buying it cos I’m hexed and such when it comes to singles buying. I bought Goldfrapp this week, and that’s probably what kept it out of the top twenty, y’know.

(FFR are shit, but you knew that already.)

So here comes the top ten, which might actually contain a bit of movement cos there’s still four new entries an’ ting. One of them is the Stereophonics, though. Which is not a nice thing.

10) PINK – Feel Good Time

“Love Shack for the Noughties!” screams the press release, perhaps. If it does, it is wrong.

The Hidden Cameras are not Love Shack for the Noughties either, but they aren’t trying to be, and besides even if they were I wouldn’t mind cos they are great:

(Fucking END ALREADY. It is not a ‘rilly goo-tah!’, you silly person. It is too bloody long is what it is. Stop shouting. Fuck off.)

9) TRIPLE 8 – Give Me A Reason (NEW ENTRY)

Oh. In all the excitement I forgot to review this. It sounds a bit like their last one, but not as good. They sort of go a bit steam-valve-style on the vocals, and that’s not terribly pleasant. The video was also on Smile this morning, and wasn’t very good. All the five-piece boy-bands seem to dance in chevron formation nowadays, which looks a bit naff, y’know. Run ideas into the bloody ground these days, so they do...

8) XTahhhhhhh fuck off – Fly on the wings of ah fuck it.....

Panjabi MC, he say, “No”:

(Panjabi MC played Croydon in 2001, back when he wasn’t famous. XTM has never played Croydon, cos if he had, I would have... actually, I probably wouldn’t have, but I’d definitely have thought about it. This goes up two. Again.)

7) DEEPEST BLUE – Deepest Blue (NEW ENTRY)

Sort of anonymous dance stuff. Possibly ‘trance’. I am unsure. Dave Pearce likes it, though. However, it forestalls the Stereophonics for a bit. Which is very nice of it.

6) WAYNE WONDER – No Letting Go

So I’m sneezing all over the fucker then brother o’mine tells me to get off the internet to phone Dad and this chart is so bloody dull so I am in SUCH A MOOD YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE... The floaty-floaty floo-floo man is quite nice in this situation, yes. You could say I ‘really appreciate’ it. Ha ha ha.

5) EVANESCENCE – Bring Me To Life

Right, turning up the volume, RAAAAAARGH! Commence adulation. Christian O’Connell still hates this, and guess what? He’s still a div! Great! I’m singing along to this – I know all the words! Golazzo! Wes, I sense, is also not a massive Evs liker, and he also is a div. Half Man Half Biscuit once proposed Operation Less Pricks, whereby the irritants of the nation get herded into a barn in Sussex. We could use this as an acid test for it. I bet Colin Murray hates it too...

4) BENNY BENASSI – Satisfaction

Still left it on loud. Whoops. Still alright, and I can’t find a decent picture of Fallacy either...


Stereophonics do chillout. Nuff said.

(Bet they hate Bring Me To Life too.)

2) BEYONCE – Crazy In Love

SCHWERVE! Maybe that’s it, y’know, the rest of the chart being utter shit so it builds to this MASSIVE swerve. Crumbs. The fat lad with the beard does it again. You wouldn’t have had this week down as the week that it got knocked off at all, cos next week’s quite big release wise too (Go Junior! Go Senior!)... goodness me. This is a shock of R Kelly-Girls Aloud proportions, and the stadium goes deathly silent to hear just what this Daniel Bedingfield single sounds like...

1) DANIEL BEDINGFIELD – Never Gonna Leave Your Side (NEW ENTRY)

It’s... well, it’s rather dull. It’s a ballad, fairly obviously, and it’s also the fifth single off his album. Five singles, three number ones. Which, for a fat lad who lives in Streatham (or at least he used to, I think), is not bad going. Doesn’t stop this being dull, though.

No, Sing-Sing don’t get it either. Crikey.

By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2003-07-28
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