The Singles Jukebox
Fuckin' 'Ell, It's Thea Gilmore

new entries outside the top 20:

Thea Gilmore #35 (half-decent Oxford folkie type – used to have one of her albums, but it wasn’t very good); The Stands #32 (Liverpool Dylan-apers, pleasant-ish but that’s as far as it goes);Voodoo & Serrano #30 (think it was piano-house, but I wasn’t really listening...); and Layo & Bushwacka! #25 (fair-enough avant-future-dance-D&B-techno...; no, not really paying attention. Too bloody hot).

Oh yeah, and Wes is being an utter tit this afternoon. Busted are playing live on the show, and he’s not shutting up about how this is the only chart show big enough to get them to do that. They sound like shit, by the way. None of them can sing. They’re doing a song about fantasising about Britney Spears. Do you remember The Androids?

Wes is also relentlessly pronouncing their name as ‘Boosted’. He might not be able to help it, but he’s really, really pushing the point rather too heavily...


20) KELLY ROWLAND – Train On A Track (NEW ENTRY)

Uninteresting single #3 for her. Well, I say uninteresting – it’s actually not too bad, they layer the instruments pretty nicely, her voice is nice enough, it’s just a bit too nice for its own good, I suppose. Also, lyrically dubious – “Like a train on a track/No way to stop it”. You’ve not really thought that through, have you, dear?


19) ELBOW – Fallen Angel (NEW ENTRY)

Ah, Elbow. You giveth, and you taketh away. Powder Blue, Red, Asleep In The Back, all peachy. Newborn just pissed me off, though. And this... hmm. Not heard it before, which probably wasn’t the best line of attack. Mr Garvey’s lovely voice is all electrified and vocodered, and it’s all a bit confusing to start with, but eventually it pulls itself together, and the ending is very nice when it comes.

But dammit, what is the weather doing being so frigging hot today?


18) STEREOPHONICS – Maybe Tomorrow

Why hasn’t this fucked off to #35 or something? What is it still doing in the top 20? Where is R Kelly? I demand R Kelly! I know he’s already been played and that he’s at #24 or something this week - but NO! THIS-IS-NOT-FAIR!


17) DEEPEST BLUE – Deepest Blue

An improvement solely by virtue of not being the Stereophonics. In all other aspects, though, I am getting a bit cross.


16) KOSHEEN – All In My Head

Oh Jesus, no... come on then, I know exactly where this is going. Where’s Fly On The Wings Of Love then, eh? Where is it? Come on, you little shit...


15) CRAIG DAVID – Spanish

Actually, this is cheering me up a fair bit. The man is just such an awful lyricist – “She’s got some great instrumentals/Here’s an acapella of mine!” He sings the whole second chorus in Spanish, thus sounding like the world’s naffest man in the process. There’s a guest rapper that Wes doesn’t credit as being Sting. Ah man... where would be without you, you crap-hatted wally, you?


14) FABOLOUS – Can’t Let You Go (NEW ENTRY)

Hmm. Separated at birth:



Best image of Plug out of the Bash Street Kids on the net, and he’s superimposed onto Luke Chadwick’s body. Hmmph. Anyway – this is Fabolous (him on the left) rapping about his immense pulling power in a non-ironic and distinctly non-quality manner. Yup, it sucks pretty damn hard...


13) EVANESCENCE – Bring Me To Life

Ah, Miss Lee, I have missed you so much this week. Now R’s departed the twenty, you are the last hope for salvation. Which the strings on this would soundtrack quite well.

Wes cuts this short. Then he plays this:


12) XTM & DJ CHUCKY & HR PUFFENSTUFF – Fly On The Wings Of Unending Hatred

Bitch is going DOWN.

Then again, he talks all over this. He’s going to cut to Boosted again, isn’t he?


11) BENNY BENASSI presents THE BIZ – Satisfaction

After this, obviously.

But Jesus, I am fucking SEETHING this week. They (Radio 1) are launching a prediction league for the top 40, similar to the one I run on ILX. I would kill him. But they’d only replace him with Colin Murray...

And yes, here’s Boosted. And they’re playing his prediction game. They’re going to play a song live too. I hate Wes. I hate Busted. I HATE YOU ALL. PLAY THE TOP TEN YOU SHIFTLESS CUNT.

PLAY THE TOP FUCKING TEN.

SHUT UP AND PLAY THE TOP FUCKING TEN.

FUCK OFF WITH YOUR CHART GAME. YOU ARE A SHIT. FUCK OFF. PLAY THE TOP TEN. FUCKING PLAY THE TOP TEN.

STOP FUCKING CALLING THEM ‘BOOSTED’.

NO, NOT ‘EXCLUSIVE LIVE TRACK’. TOP TEN. TOP TEN NOW.

God, I’m angry.

He’s playing a Dave Pearce advert. TOP FUCKING TEN NOW YOU ARSEFACED WHORE.

And exhale...


10) BEYONCE – Crazy In Love

Oh... blaagh. Wes hatred is still consuming me too much to care. I need to find some pictures for amusement purposes. He’s talking over everything this week. Hatehatehate.


9) JASON NEVINS & HOLLY JAMES – I’m In Heaven(NEW ENTRY)

Jason Nevins is also a tit. Wanked up It’s Like That and N.E.R.D’s Rock Star, now he sets about butchering Michael Jackson/SWV(depending on your generation), taking the beat and looping it shit-style then cut & pasting some rubbish-oh Eurocack vocals over the top. Horrible.


8) DANIEL BEDINGFIELD – Never Gonna Leave Your Side

I am now calming down. Getting a bit of distance. Cos he obviously hasn’t plagiarised me, and it’s a bit silly of me to think he has.

He wields nothing like enough power within the BBC to do that.


7) ROBBIE WILLIAMS – Something Beautiful

They’d better not make a telly programme of it, neither. Especially not if that twat that presented Celebdaq presents it.

I still haven’t put any pictures of Scottish indie girls in this week.


6) PHARELL WILLIAMS & JAY-Z – Frontin’ (NEW ENTRY)

“I call you Fo’ Real cos you bring da truth!” Jay-Z, you are a wally. But this... well, this is quite good. Pharell’s falsetto goes over the wee twangy backing very nicely indeed, and he just comes off rather well on the whole, certainly far better than that thing he did with Snoop Dogg. “Byoodifoow.” Ugh. That wasn’t nice, but stuff it, cos this is.


5) LUMIDEE – Never Leave You (Uh Oooh)

And so’s this. Even if I did think it was Wayne Wonder and her vocals are mixed in far too quiet, but that chorus bit... sweet as a nut. It’s going OK now.


4) MARK OWEN – Four Minute Warning (NEW ENTRY)

And so the week’s most intriguing new song. Mark Owen and his slightly off-kilter Manc vocals contemplate the end of the world via nuclear detonation, and imagine the stories of people’s last four minutes on the earth. It’s rammed with sixth-form poetry-standard lyrics, obviously (“His reply was non-committal/I am what I am”)... but it does manage to be very, very touching, and on the whole very lovable. Top 5 single about nuclear war, seeming to take its inspiration from Canadian independent film Last Night (featuring David Cronenberg and the guy that replaced Vecchio on Due South), all sing with vocals that are distinctly on the flaky side. And whenever he performs it on telly he seems to be grinning. I’m a wee bit moved, to be honest.


3) THE CHEEKY GIRLS – Hooray Hooray (It’s A Cheeky Holiday) (NEW ENTRY)

This is shit, though. So:



Awwww.


2) ULTRABEAT – Pretty Green Eyes (NEW ENTRY)

And this... well, this is sort of OK. Actually, it isn’t really, but the vocal’s alright. The rest does sound very, very shit Northern piano house in a Dance Anthems With Dave Pearce manner, though, but never mind.


1) BLU CANTRELL & SEAN PAUL – Breathe

Week number two, though to be fair this wasn’t ever going to be that troubled by Ultrabeat. The big week is next week. Porn-eh and Sean-eh against The Androids UK. You know what to do...


By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2003-08-11
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