The Singles Jukebox
Erick Sermon From The Half-Way Line

dido has apparently now taken up ownership of all our souls, because she’s number one in the album chart by a country mile and as such R1 play her stuff for about half an hour. Which is not fun.

New entries outside the top 20: Morjac & Raz Conway #38 (Bit like Phats & Small, but better. He’s got a reasonable voice on him anyway); Turin Brakes #31 (modern life is poo. This is worse); Poloroid #28 (sounds a bit like Deepest Blue. Remember that? No? Good); and Hope Of The States #25 (Hmm. Supposedly a bit special. Thus, they sound sort of like Doves and Spiritualised. But in a half-decent way. Pretty solid).

It’s a slow week. Nothing’s gone up yet, I don’t think, but nothing’s really gone down either. I’m in the uni radio at Birmingham Uni (in the UK), so the top 40’s in one ear and the uni radio’s Asian music show is in the other. The Asian music show is twatting the top 40 all over the place thus far, but here we go anyway…

20) ULTRABEAT – Pretty Green Eyes

This you know. The Asian music show has just played Rishi Rich’s remix of Spanish of Craig David, which is better, even if it does still have Craig David on it.

19) WESTLIFE – Hey Whatever

2-0 to the Asians, as they see Wes’ fat Irish twonks and raise React by Erick Sermon. Which has chunky bass, whizzy synthy bits and Bollywood samples. Westlife has horrid guitars and some lyrics about ‘roulette tables’. So new feature:


#1 – Suspicion

18) MILK & SUGAR – Let The Sunshine In (NEW ENTRY)

Ah. No-score draw here, cos the Asian show has decided to play Bhangra Knights, as opposed to this mediocre summer house pish. My ears are being bombarded with uninteresting beats from all sides. It is not fun.

17) UD PROJECT – Summer Jam

3-0 – “We’re gonna party as much as we can” versus something a bit early-90’s piano house with lots of massive string samples and vocals that sound like they’re from the fifties… sort of like Jogi meets Pump Up The Volume, and as such obviously completely fabulous.

The Asian Music Show also don’t have a competition to meet Wyclef Jean. 4-0.

16) DMX – Where The Hood At (NEW ENTRY)

Sorry, the Asian show’s song is still continuing and is far too fantastic for this to matter right now. Though it is quite good, kind of thing you could imagine Clubber Lang entering the ring too – all clumpy, trumpety, and he’s doing the whole growly stuff… it’s a bit like dear old X Gon’ Give It To Ya, really, but a bit more upbeat and a bit less great.

15) NICKELBACK – Someday

6-0 by default. It’s a massacre...


#2 – Lightly Entertained

14) EVANESCENCE – Going Under

6-1, cos this is THE MIGHTY EVS and the Asian Music Show are talking right now. And now they’re gonna play something from the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical Bombay Dreams, and it sounds like Holly Valance. It probably doesn’t have a really clever drowning metaphor in the video, either. Is the tide turning?

13) DELTA GOODREM – Innocent Eyes

Hmm… the instrumental break in the Lloyd-Webber one is better than this. However, that would make it 7-1, which is a scoreline Southampton lose by occasionally, and that’s not a very nice thing at all. So 6-2 then.

No, hang on, we lost to Spurs in the cup 6-2 once. 2-0 up at half-time then Ronny bloody Rosenthal gets a hat-trick. 7-1 it is.


12) ELTON JOHN – Are You Ready For Love

The Asian Music Show’s current track sounds like the theme to some slightly dodgy game on the Amiga, like, oh, Soccer Kid or something. Except possibly not. Hmm. 7-2. (though working on the 6-2 scoreline this would be 6-3 which would the score by which we beat Man U a few years ago with Ostenstad getting a hat-trick, Le Tissier scoring the Greatest Chip Ever ™, and I think Jason Dodd might even have scored one as well. We all win really, apart from Man Utd. And Hoddle.)


Actually, I think Dodd might’ve scored against someone else, cos I distinctly remember Eyal Berkovic scoring as well. Anyway, there were four Saints goals in the Goal Of The Month competition that month and Jason Dodd was one of them and I was well pleased. As regards this scoreline – it’s Blu & Sean vs. Badmarsh & Shri. 7-3, then.

Anyway – this top ten will be very dull. Three new entries, and I know what both of them are. I did avoid CD:UK this week, so it was left to good old Ceefax told me the Black Eyed Peas were dead certs for number one instead. Thanks Ceefax. Thanks so much.

10) AMY STUDT – Under The Thumb (NEW ENTRY)

Oh fuck’s sakes. The Top 40 has this. The Asian Music Show has Panjabi MC. 8-3, 40-yard screamer curling and dipping past the frumpy ‘angst’ with twattily slow guitars and lyrics that are nothing like as deep as they think they are into the top corner, as Clive Allen tries to explain the brilliance but gets interrupted by Andy Townsend who wants to point out that he’s wearing Brut. Because Andy Townsend is a twat.

9) ELVIS vs. OAKENFOLD – Rubberneckin’

9-3 by default.


#3 – ‘Terry Christian’

8) BIG BROVAZ – Baby Boy

10-3 – quite decent Neptunes-esque remix of something or other vs. rubbish Friends spoof. I can’t do the Erick Sermon joke twice in a row, though, cos that way it’d just get tired. And Southampton lost 1-0 again yesterday, this time to bloody Newcastle, and so obviously Alan bloody Shearer scored, which is not really an event that’s ever worthy of celebration because he’s a git. Fortunately, this excessive explanation has filled up enough space for that not to matter. Phew.

7) TRAVIS – Re-Offender (NEW ENTRY)

I am aware Shearer used to play for Southampton, yes. And so here’s 11-3. Now, I don’t mind Travis, really, not as much as I’d be expected to in any case. They seem like reasonable enough people after all. Yes, they’re drab, but not as offensively as the Stereophonics… just I can’t really get worked up enough to care about them. I had this on the computer, listened to it once and deleted it, cos it’s not worth 3.5 MB of the hard drive. Oh well.

6) JAMELIA – Superstar

Hmm… the Asian show is playing a song that has a flute on it, but 12-3’d just be harsh. And I like this song, y’know. The riff is very nice. She might have moved out of the not-terribly-massive shadow of Beverly Knight after all. Which is quite sweet, really. 11-4.

5) DIDO – White Flag

12-4, cos the Asian Music Show is going through a phase of playing songs with pounding massive drums on them that are really quite fantastic. And this is… well, it’s Dido.

I should really be taking note of the names of the songs that the Asian Music Show are playing, cos I don’t think they’re actually working to a tracklisting of any kind. Which is a bit annoying.

4) S CLUB 8 – Sundown (NEW ENTRY)

Isn’t it lovely how S Club Juniors always seem to get much better tunes than the older ones did? Pushy parents and the joys of, I suppose… Anyway, it’s a bit disco again, but in a good way, sweet little chorus tucked in, and it appears to have a ‘funk breakdown’ of sorts in the middle. It’s quite good, really. It’s just that this in one ear and the backing track of the Asian Music Show in the other is better than having this in both ears. 13-4.

3) THE DARKNESS – I Believe In A Thing Called Love

Just been discussing Joy Division with no inclination to listen to this this week. So, yeah, 14-4.

2) RACHEL STEVENS – Sweet Dreams My LA Ex

I’ve just got a splinter in my elbow off this bloody table. 15-4.

1) BLACK EYED PEAS – Where Is The Love?

Dom Passantino read me the lyrics to this this week. It really is very shit, isn’t it? Problems of the world narrated in the style of a particularly stilted management seminar – “new days are strange … filling the lungs of little ones”… if you look closely enough at those question mark posters, they probably form some kind of flowchart. And this is the first UK number one for five years to have five weeks at number one. The last song to accomplish this feat – Believe by Cher. And I couldn’t understand how that was so popular either. In a rubbish way. Perhaps this is natural. It’s a pattern. Hmm. What do you think, Erick?

Mmm. Exactly.

(Oh, and 16-4, obviously.)

By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2003-10-06
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