eyonce is #1 in the albums. They play an exclusive live track from her album that she recorded exclusively for Radio 1 in an exclusive live session, exclusively for Radio 1. And not Dr Fox. So NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! And by god, it is wank.
New entries this week: N-Trance #37 (horrid Northern house cack); Minimalistix #36 (less horrid but still cacky Belgian house – mixed by PPK, and my does it sound like it); Longview #27 (‘epic’ indie – you can tell that it’s ‘epic’ because it has strings on it. That said, it’s OK, nowt to write home about though); Avril Lavigne #22 (Avril decides she wants to sound like Puddle Of Mudd, except without the woman-hating. Comparably pish vocals, though); and Simply Red #21 (do they sound like M People or do M People sound like them? Never quite figured that one out, meself...)
Anyway – down for the twenty:
20) KRAFTWERK – Tour de France 2003 (NEW ENTRY)
Hands up anyone that saw this one coming? Yep, they have returned, and... they’re not much cop anymore. It’s some bleeps with an unwell man on vocoder saying some things in French, which probably have something to do with cycling. It sounds a wee bit like X-Press 2’s Lazy, think it’s misappropriated some of the echo noises... and now it’s finished. Oh.
19) BLAZIN’ SQUAD – We Just Be Dreamin’
Filmed the video at Brockwell Lido, I think. I can get a bus straight there from where I live, y’know, probably only take about 15 or 20 minutes. And that’s about as much association as I wish to have with this shite, thank you kindly.
18) BLUR – Crazy Beat (NEW ENTRY)
Hmm. This is Blur having ‘fun’. And it’s more fun than Out Of Time, certainly... but come on. “I love to hear that Crazy Beat, it gets the people dancing on their feet.” Do you bollocks. Sorry, I just remain not terribly convinced that Damon Albarn is capable of enjoyment. And this just sounds like an elongated Song 2 that’s been slowed down a bit with some cacko vocal samples of one of those freshly hatched chickens that used to be in the old Foghorn Leghorn cartoons (you know, gets hatched out the egg, first thing it sees is a dog and it thinks that the dog is its mother, that kind of thing) going ‘Crazy Beat’ over the top ... and I really don’t like it very much.
17) BUSTA RHYMES ft. MARIAH CAREY & THE FLIPMODE SQUAD – I Know What You Want
I think that in terms of actual units shifted, this may well be Busta’s biggest ever hit. Which is not very fair, really. Because Busta Rhymes is great, and this is toss. Mostly Mariah Carey’s fault, but no-one really emerges from it with any credit at all. And I pray god it’s out of the top 20 next week cos I can’t be arsed having to write about it anymore...
16) DELTA GOODREM – Lost Without You
Best song in the top 20 thus far. Don’t actually like it or anything, but it’s better than the other stuff. And I’ve still got to sit through XTM later, so I’ll be taking comfort wherever I can, ta.
15) S CLUB 8 – Fool No More
The boys’ voices have broken, it would appear. The girls’ voices are still the same – they had two of them doing the whole “Hi, we’re S Club 8 and you’re listening to the official top 40” jingle at the start of this song, and they sounded so mechanised it was mildly petrifying... this is the first half-decent tune of the twenty this week though. The ‘ethereal’ effects they put on are very good, all works dead nicely.
14) MIS-TEEQ – Can’t Get It Back
Probably the first of their singles I’ve actually liked, but not enough to write a paragraph about it. Maybe next week, but XTM are doing the whole Sword Of Damocles thing mit mah brain at the mo...
13) JOE BUDDEN – Pump It Up (NEW ENTRY)
Beat’s alright and stuff, but the feller’s voice is so glompy and his lyrics are rubbish... man could almost be in Big Brovaz, he’s that naff. The man just doesn’t seem to have anything about him at all, the photos where he’s trying to look hard and just looks lobotomised... cobblers.
12) 50 CENT & NATE DOGG – 21 Questions
And if 50 Cent’s attempt at a ballad sounds this naff, can you imagine how crap Joe Budden’s will be? Dear me...
11) XTM & DJ CHUCKY PRESENTS ANNIA – Fly On The Wings Of Love
Eurovision. Pan pipes. ‘Dance Euro’, as No Mercy so memorably called it. Does it get any worse?
Well, we’re about to find out – here’s the red hot flaming blazing shucka-shucka-POWWW! ten...
10) KYM MARSH – Come On Over (NEW ENTRY)
It’s What Took You So Long by Emma Bunton, isn’t it? Isn’t it? Oh. Kym’s second single and she’s being very dull, again: possibly it’s intended to make her sound ‘sultry’, but she just sounds drowsy instead. Maybe it’s not getting worse, but by god it’s not getting much better...
9) R KELLY – Ignition Remix
Ah, thank fuck for that. If the rest of the chart has been a pointless day’s worth of number crunching surrounded by people yelling stuff they read in Heat at each other, this is a nice, long soak in the bath with copious amounts of bubbles...
8) FAST FOOD ROCKERS – Fast Food Song
And this is then having to eat dinner whilst watching DIY SOS with Lowri Turner and her fucking feather boa flouncing all up in your face. And your dinner is really crap and cold and everything and you’re feeling sick halfway through eating the bugger, and the woman upstairs hasn’t had her fucking medication and ohh GOD just end it now...
7) WAYNE WONDER – No Letting Go
In this climate, I am therefore learning to love this song all the more, doing the whole wobbly dancing in my seat to it... yeah, I think I like this one now.
6) EMINEM – Business (NEW ENTRY)
Oh dear. Has he lost it now? This is his third toss single on the spin, as he sort of bigs himself up and says other people aren’t very good, and he’s 4 REAL, and, umm... that’s about it. And the thing is, he more or less says it in those words too. He doesn’t even say anything remotely clever, witty, interesting or, y’know... anything that particularly differentiates him from, ooh, Joe Budden, shall we say. Beat’s naff as well... has Alan Yentob hexed him or something? Piss poor.
5) EVANESCENCE – Bring Me To Life
Ah man. Down three this week... let’s enjoy it while it lasts. I really need to grow my hair again, cos this’d sound that much better with a big massive fuck-off fringe flopping all over my face... fists raised, let us roar unto the hinterland! Or something.
4) JAVINE – Real Things (NEW ENTRY)
Blimey. Was Popstars: The Rivals a good thing after all then? Cos this... well, it ain’t great, cos the lyrics are a bit “Yes, I have heard It Takes More,” but as debut singles go this ain’t really to be sniffed at. The backing is chunkier than Ben & Jerry’s, the chorus is definitely quite catchy and her voice isn’t bad either... rather nice really.
3) PINK – Feel Good Time (NEW ENTRY)
This, however... this is people being ‘clever’. There’s bits where it goes backwards, which are rubbish, and there’s bits where Pink sings, which aren’t that good either. But when it plays it straight, it’s actually very good, all shoo-be-doop and ba-da-ba, bit sort of B-52 style... but mostly it’s people being clever and as such a bit arsey as a consequence, which is a shame.
2) MADONNA – Hollywood (NEW ENTRY)
Hush children, Madge has something to say. Hollywood – it is a bit superficial. Right. Thanks for that. This, Bo Selecta!, Alastair McGowan’s Big Impression, Dead Ringers... yeah, satire’s probably a bit dead right now, then.
1) BEYONCE – Crazy In Love
I still ain’t finding this much fun, no. But I’ll leave it at that cos I copped a load of shit for cussing it last week, and I’m not fucking going through all that again... brrr. Maybe I’m just being awkward, maybe it’s just cos I’m bloody indie... no, sorry, still not as enamoured as everyone else. Probably my loss, but never mind, eh? Briiiiing meeeeee...