The Singles Jukebox
Delta Goodrem Is The Gay

evanescence number one in the albums, their new single gets played. It isn’t very good.


David Sneddon re-enters at #38. No idea why.


New entries outside the top 20 today: Dillinja & Skibadee #35 (Curiously they choose to play the instrumental version, which doesn’t have Skibadee on at all. It’s quite good, anyway); The Bandits #32 (Liverpool band that sound a bit like The Coral in an alright-ish kind of style. Big surprise, eh?); Flip & Fill #28 (shite Northern ‘house’); Red Hot Chilli Peppers #27 (they ‘go jangle’. Really, really rubbishly); and Placebo #23 (“Farewell the ashtray girl” – worst opening line of the year or what?).


This Jennifer Lopez single really is rubbish. Just in case you were wondering.


But now, we roar into the hot 20... And ooh, this week it’s sizzling! Possibly.


20) JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE – Rock Your Body

50 Cent isn’t in the top 20 anymore. He’s still #22, though. That doesn’t really have anything to do with this single which, five weeks later, I still don’t give a toss about. Yeah, you take that, Timberlake, you hamster-headed goon. I may well just slag off the Big Brovaz single (also no longer in the top 20) again instead. However, the fact that I will never have to listen to it again means I can now start forgetting it all the quicker. Which is pleasing. Unlike this single, which is just rather meh.


19) SEAN PAUL – Get Busy

Conversely, this is still the bollocks (note to Americans – this means ‘very good’). However, in further world turning all upside its head chart action, it drops twelve this week, having spent the last three weeks fluttering about number seven. Man, crazy shit is going down!


18) DANNII MINOGUE – Don’t Wanna Lose This Feeling

Apparently I’m missing something here, but this still sounds very much like that Lisa Scott-Lee single, which wasn’t much good, and as such this doesn’t feel like it’s much good neither. No, not that impressed.


17) B2K – Girlfriend

This, however, is the proverbial abject catwank (I momentarily forget precisely which proverb involves abject catwank, but there probably is one). The intro sounds like there’s a man forcing out a particularly painful turd over the top. Which more or less says it all.


16) MANTRONIX ft. CHAMONIX – How Did You Know (NEW ENTRY)

I predicted this’d go number one this week. That’ll be me told, then. Anyway – it’s nothing too special, but it sounds a bit like Groovejet and some old Bob Sinclar single, and I thought, “Hey, summer hit! #1 fo’ sho’!” But I was wrong. As I said, that’ll be me told, then. Bastards.


15) S CLUB – Say Goodbye

Cock off you knobs.


14) SHANIA TWAIN – Forever and For Always

And you. Fuck off.


13) DJ SAMMY – Sunlight

Managed to miss this because I had to go upstairs, but by comparison to the two previous ones, it’s practically Sean Paul.


12) AMY STUDT – Misfit

Do you remember Hepburn (the band)? Yeah, shit, weren’t they? Anyway, one presumes Amy loved them. Cos she sounds exactly like them, and as such she’s shit too. Sigh.


11) THE DARKNESS – Growing On Me (NEW ENTRY)

Christian O’Connell and Kevin Greening started a campaign to get this to number one after it reaching number nine in the midweeks. Lesson to be learned there, methinks. Anyway – aside from coming up with one of the most rubbish quotes ever (“What other unsigned band has got into the top 40 with a song that features the word ‘motherfucker’ eight times and ‘cunt’ twice?” – compounded even further by the fact that they didn’t actually get into the top 40 with that particular song), and the feeling that it’s only media types that like them (big fans include Jo Whiley, Zoe Ball, and one of Busted), and the possibility of it all just being a rather naff joke... they’re not that bad. It’s all a bit overblown pop-metal gubbins, but for all that, it’s alright really. Their first single was about a million times better, true, but Amy Studt was about a million times worse, so, hey hey...


ROCK UNTO THEE TENNE!


10) CHRISTINA AGUILERA – Fighter

Wasn’t much good last week. Isn’t much good this week. Won’t be much good next week. And so on.


9) XTM & DJ CHUCKY – Fly On The Wings Of Love

And so, Sean Paul goes down twelve, and this goes up three. Truly, this week is the gay (note for Americans, non-Snake City readers – this means ‘not very good’).


8) BUSTA RHYMES, MARIAH CAREY, THE FLIPMODE SQUAD – I Know What You Want

This, too, is the gay.


7) ASHANTI – Rock Wit U (NEW ENTRY)

There was a review of her album in the Guardian yesterday, basically consisting of Alexis Petridis thinking he’s really clever for noticing that Ashanti is rather dull. Next week – “Kelly Jones – he short”, “White Stripes – they popular”, and “50 Cent – he been shot at, a bit.” Anyway – this is rather dull. Inconsequential R&B;, she goes “ohh” a bit, it ends. Oh well.


6) JENNIFER ELLISON – Baby I Don’t Care (NEW ENTRY)

Oh dear. What in the hell is happening here... old Transvision Vamp song that I don’t remember gets covered, but I’m already thinking the original has to be seven billion times better than this. It is turd, Ellison has no range, emotion, tone, expression – damn it, she hasn’t even got any volume, it’s a boatload of vocals that get polished to sound like toasted shite as opposed to the standardised shite that they previously sounded like, and it’s got the old Kilroy/Pebble Mill ‘rock’ underneath. Dreadful.


5) WAYNE WONDER – No Letting Go (NEW ENTRY)

Like Ashanti spliced with Sean Paul, and the quality’s sort of in the middle. He’s a decent voice, for sure, but this just feels a bit... wrong. Too smooth, somehow, the rip off Get Busy is so blatant that the soul seems lost somewhere, and the Ashanti-esque bits are... well, they’re like Ashanti. Dull, disappointing, might grow on me, not too sure.


4) DELTA GOODREM – Lost Without You (NEW ENTRY)

And I really cannot remember how this sounded. I’m a bit behind on writing the reviews this week, so I was writing other stuff whilst hearing this, but I swear, I sat through all of it, and I have totally forgotten it mere seconds after it finished. I think it was a bit better than her last single, though that really isn’t at all difficult seen as how Born To Try was quite possibly the worst thing ever... but no. This one really has completely passed me by. Weird.


3) R KELLY – Ignition

He’s still in there, so he is. And this is still mega and smashing. Which helps ease the pain of really not remembering the slightest detail about the Delta Goodrem single.


2) FAST FOOD ROCKERS – The Fast Food Song (NEW ENTRY)

Hmm. Rubbish fast food name-checking over the backing to the Cheeky Girls’ entire career. No thank you. Actually, no, piss off. Some people forget that Steps once sounded like this. And they did alright. I’ve just scared the living shit out of myself. Oh bother.


1) EVANESCENCE – Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Meeeeeeeeeeeee Toooooooooooooo Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife

Week three for the are-they-goths-yes-they-are-no-they-aren’t-does-it-matter-SAYYYYYYYYYYYYYVE MEH! brigade. And I still love it. Their new single is a bit sans the shouting bloke, which weirdly makes them sound all the more like Staind, and not really very good. But fuck it, man, you get choruses like this and arguing with it is a bit silly, really. Just close your eyes, stand near an open window and... SAYYYYYYYYYYYYYVE MEH!!! Beautiful.


By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2003-06-23
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