The Singles Jukebox
British Sea Power - Bigger Than Jesus (Jones)

new entries outside the top 40 (didn’t bother with the albums, it’s probably Dido again or someone) – Sheryl Crow #37 (Sheryl Crow covers First Cut Is The Deepest – no, you don’t need to ask); Damien Rice #32 (do you remember JJ72? Why?); Super Furries #31 (Hello Sunshine – good as an album opener, but pretty duff choice of single – on the album it’s floaty and dazey, but in the chart it’s somehow dull and clompy. Not as much as Damien Rice, though); British Sea Power #30 (fantastic for reasons I will go into a wee bit later, because there’ll be lulls in the top 20 – for now, though, know that this is ace); and Daniel Bedingfield #28 (this is the sixth single off his album. Someone out there is sending you a message, sir…)

Today, we have a live thing by The Sugababes who, if all goes to plan, will be finding out they aren’t number one live on air. This could be interesting. They would appear to have better voices than Busted and Blue.

20) IAN VAN DAHL – I Can’t Let You Go (NEW ENTRY)

Standard-issue toss Belgo-house that still gets on the Radio 1 playlist despite being liked by approximately no-one at all. Hmm.

19) ASHANTI – Rain On Me (NEW ENTRY)

Blimey. This… isn’t… actually… that… bad. Seriously. I mean, her vocals are pretty blah as usual, but the production… crumbs. There’s this lush wobbling synth/theremin bit running through the chorus, and these ultra-hefty stabs of something (think it’s ‘percussion’), and the whole feel is sweet as a nut. I repeat – blimey.


This is reliably toss, though. Anonymous beats, Fabolous himself sounds bored rigid as he tells his woman that he likes her quite a lot because she cooks a nice steak. Rubbish.

17) BEYONCE ft. SEAN PAUL – Baby Boy

They still haven’t worked out that their Beyonce and Sean jingle is shit on a stick. Oh dear. This is still in the top 20. Sophie Ellis Bextor isn’t. Hmmph. However, the world will be OK, cos…

16) RACHEL STEVENS – Sweet Dreams My LA Ex

… British Sea Power are in the top 30, and Kosheen and the Kings Of Leon have missed the top 40 altogether ahahahaha. This is a mighty victory, because British Sea Power are fucking fantastic, but them other two are getting all the attention. Why? Let us compare and contrast. Here is some of the Kings Of Leon’s merchandise:

Here’s British Sea Power’s:

I know which I’d prefer.


I’ve heard this feller’s album. It’s not much cop. There’s something dreadfully empty about it, like he feels that the fact he has Rivers Cuomo AND Sean Paul AND Jack White AND Nikka Costa AND Freeway ON THE SAME MOTHER-FREAKIN’ ALBUM, DUDE!!!!!!????!!!! Is enough. It isn’t. He’s also very fortuitous in that his surname can be mangled to sufficiently to rhyme with most words, probably. Anyway – this song itself is OK out of the album context – nice old-style funk horns on the beat underneath it, rising string bits and it all fits together very nicely. But not much more than that. A shame, probably.

14) DIDO – White Flag

Anyway – back to the BSP big-up. Here’s how Kosheen announce their TV appearances:

You can catch Sian on BBC 2 tomorrow night at 9pm. She will be joining regulars Mark Lamarr, Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus. Other guests include jungle celebrity Wayne Sleep, Clint Boon from the Inspiral Carpets and Canadian comic Mike Wilmot.

British Sea Power:

On Friday 17 October, British Sea Power will perform a whole two songs on BBC2's Later With Jools Holland. The show will be broadcast at 11.35pm and will also feature Jamelia, REM and Buddy Guy.

We can promise amplified music, lighting and bold and amorous behaviour from The Official Fleet Reserve AKA Eamon. Turn the box on. For those already with licences, it will cost nought.

Really, there is no comparison.

13) THE DARKNESS – I Believe In A Thing Called Love

Anyway – now to why the BSP single itself is really good, cos I can’t stand looking at the Kosheen website any longer and I’m a bit bored of this. The BSP single is ‘Remember Me’ which, while not really as good as the original version what they released last year, still rocks the bells… actually, I’ve just realised that looking for anything vaguely resembling ‘interesting information’ about the Kings of Leon has put me three songs behind, so it’ll have to wait, but there’s plenty boring shit ahead, surely.


Or Stacie Jumps The Shark, as she comes on all Turin Brakes-y moan-o about chasing after every temporary high because Modern Life Is The Bad, or something. Her voice does lift it above the general US girl-with-guitar-of-some-sort-this-means-you-Michelle-bloody-Branch, but after the genius that was ‘Stuck’, this is a severe letdown.

11) 50 CENT ft. SNOOP DOGG & G-UNIT – P.I.M.P.

Oh dear. I watched The World Music Awards 2003 the other night, that being some shindig where Prince Albert Of Monaco gets the great and good of popular music from around the world along with some startlingly ugly Luxemburgers into the Monegasque equivalent of a Wetherspoons and says “hey, you’ve sold a lot of records, well done. Have a statuette. Actually, if you’re 50 Cent, have five. Win Best R&B; Act while you’re at it.” It was horrid. But I’m getting behind again… a review will be appearing on Sick & Tired Of Watching Shite in the nearness of future, however.

The Sugababes perform live and deny they hate each other again. I care.

10) EMMA BUNTON – Maybe

I need to try and find some window to listen to ‘Remember Me’ again. This probably only has about a minute to go so I can run to the cupboard and get the album out… gimme a sec. (This sounds better than last week. It is the good.)

9) HILARY DUFF – So Yesterday (NEW ENTRY)

Argh, bollocks. New entry. Here we go… no, fuck it, Lizzie McGuire is shit, and this sounds like ‘Complicated’, but far worse. Right, onto BSP… right, the intro sounds like a tractor, then there’s this buzzsaw-style guitar riff, then WE ARE AWAY, the guitar goes a bit Thin Lizzy and the backing thump-a-thump-thumps along, and here’s Yan. He sounds terrifying and terrified all at once in the verse (This Requires Skill), then it leads into the chorus with him going “Increment by increment… Increment by increment… Increment by in-cre-ment-uh…” then there’s the chorus where he basically goes “Remember me, oh remember me, will you remember me?” over and over again. This is all very classy. It keeps on going like this, getting louder and louder… and it does sound a bit like ‘I Want You’ by the Inspiral Carpets and Mark E. Smith, but this is good because that is super fantastic. This, also, is super fantastic… has Hilary Duff finished? Oh shit, this is Obie Trice. Bugger.

8) OBIE TRICE – Got Some Teeth (NEW ENTRY)

Which is OK. The chorus is monstrous, all swirly Arabian trumpet loops and gubbins with him sort of mumbling half-underneath it. The verses are a bit so-so, and the ending is rather crap. OK? Good.

7) JAMELIA – Superstar

Still lovely. Also lovely – us beating Blackburn 2-0 yesterday.

Why Jimbo looks quite so tense I am not sure. Though if Rory Delap were about to embrace me I probably wouldn’t be too impressed either.

6) LIBERTY X – Jumpin’ (NEW ENTRY)

Hmm. It’s a Liberty X single. It’s one of their ‘uptempo’ numbers, whereby they be all up in the club and stuff with their somewhat odd dress code (women – PVC hotpants & bras, men – trenchcoats, jumpers, trousers). And… well, it’s a Liberty X single. So it’s pretty much OK. Pretty much. Yeah. British Sea Power make their own Kendal mint cake and give it out at gigs.

Dave Pearce has inadvertently come up with a really hard quiz. The question – what was Ian van Dahl’s single called? Can you remember without looking? Cos I certainly can’t.

5) SUGABABES – Hole In The Head

Hmm. So that run of British bands that can’t hold on to number one for more than a week continues. This sounds an awful lot better than it did last week. I was… ‘distracted’ last week, for some reason. I don’t remember which, exactly. But the bass is very skanking, and it’s all quite good, even if she does look like Janet Jackson.

I think I’ve pulled a stomach muscle, but I’m not sure. It doesn’t hurt or nowt, it just looks a bit red.

4) BLACK EYED PEAS – Where Is The Love?


3) KEVIN LYTTLE – Turn Me On

On a slightly more serious note – out of one ear, I heard the uni radio playing Hurt by Johnny Cash. Now, this is apparently going to be coming out as a single on November 3rd. Let’s make it number one, cos it’s amazing, and the video is crushing in a sad way. It’s too brilliant not to be number one. It must be number one. Surely. Please. (N.B. previously this year, similar attempts at campaigning by me have seen Junior Senior miss the top 20, The Delgados and Fallacy miss the top 40, Rilo Kiley miss the top 75 and Black Box Recorder miss the top 100. I must get it right one day, surely…)

Kevin Lyttle is still very good, by the way.

2) BLUE – Guilty (NEW ENTRY)

This isn’t. Wes attempts to build up tension – is this or Fatman Scoop number one? – for about half an hour. He fails. Much like the Liberty X single, this is A Blue Single. It is one of their ballads, which means they are saying, “Girl, I Am Sorry, In A Very Sorry Way, And I Shall Convey This By Smirking.” It is toss. On the other hand, not toss:

Sometimes I wonder if I try too hard.


So Blue are kept off number one by what is essentially a man yelling over a Faith Evans record. Except it’s probably far more complicated than that… but in a weird way, this is sort of genius. Mr Scoop is coming off like a shit DJ in a shit chain pub. “SINGLE LADIES! MAKE NOISE!” And this is the best selling single in the UK. “IF YOU GOT LONG HAIR PUT YOUR HANDS UP!” This is keeping Blue off Number One. “IF YOU GOT SHORT HAIR MAKE NOISE!” Wes interviews the man beforehand on the phone – he sounds on the verge of tears, then is at great pains to point out that he has nothing against Blue and has met Simon and had a chat with him and he seemed alright and he has never said anything against Blue and he does not have a problem with Blue and he respects Blue as artists and he is just really really happy to be number one. “ALL THE CHICKENHEADS! BE QUIET!”

This is fantastic. True, this will obviously revert to its natural habitat and be booming out of shit DJs shit sound systems in shit bars and shit pubs and shit ‘nitespots’ up and down the country, and that isn’t a good thing. But think how many people this is pissing off. When they do I Love 2003, this has a guaranteed spot as Miranda Sawyer and Gina Yashere discuss how shit it was. Pretty much no other song this year is going to be given the “Oh, but, but, umm, we were just being IRONIC” treatment as much as this one. And really, though there’s been better number ones this year, this isn’t really that bad. Hell, it’s not as though he’s gonna have a follow up (well, I suppose he could yell over Mo Money Mo Problems, or I’ll Be Missing You). Let the man have his moment. He might even keep Atomic Kitten off number one next week, which would be very nice…

By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2003-10-27
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