J-Pop Will Eat Itself
Greatest Misses

in hacking away at this column, I've naturally come across a few nuggets of data that I looked at cock-eyed before tossing over my shoulder.

Today I'd like to run down ten of the worst tracks I came across in my J-Pop investigations. As originally planned, this is intended to be an honest head-forward charge into unknown territory, so I make no excuses for my cursory examination of these tunes. After all, there were reasons I avoided this genre in the first place.... good reasons.

Below, the ten least enjoyable J-Pop tracks that cluttered my buffer. Let the hating begin.

10. Hajime Chitose - Birthday
This cover of a Sugarcubes track has some really good lisping by Hajime-chan but the Bjork imitation really wears thin after a while. It feels like a vocal exercise assigned by some Pygmalion-minded producer.

9. X-Japan - Easy Fight Rambling
X-Japan fans rule because they wear black armbands with X's on them and that is 81% awesome. But the only thing awesome about this drunken bluesy sludge is its title and that just isn't enough.

8. Kuroyume - Jesus
I don't know what Kuroyume is melodramatically hyperventilating about on this track—presumably, it's Jesus—but his delivery and the petulant guitar solos both traumatize me. This is like J-Pop Emo, but in a bad way.

7. Judy and Mary - Cheese Pizza
Both Judy and Mary should be made illegal. I mean, I like the cloying cutesy stuff as much as the next guy but seriously.....

6. Psycho le Cemu - Kagayaki no Naka e
You'd expect me to be biased towards an effeminate J-Pop band wearing wacky getups. But this take on double-time punk suffers from a lack of frantic energy and guitar tone. The first half of the chorus is catchy but the overall absence of momentum kills this track for me.

5. Buck-Tick - My Fucking Valentine
I will seriously give you a dollar if you stop growling "you're my fucking valentine" and playing a sine wave at 18000khz.

4. Schwartz Stein - Beautiful the Virgin
Ridiculous by-the-book techno accompanied by vampires and maniacs howling in echo chambers.


Makes me look bad for liking the bands I like.

3. Misia - Everything
Misia is one of the best and most popular Japanese R+B singers, and I've heard many tracks of hers that I like. But like all idols, she has to sing what her producers tell her to. This ballad is from a collection called Love and Ballads. It is best used as a local anathestic.

2. hitomi - LOVE 2000
A typical annoying 'rock' song in which a band which cannot 'rock' attempts to 'rock' and ends up with nothing but a handful of undercooked guitar riffs,

1. Tommy February6 - Choose Me or Die
Vocoder, analog drums, synth leads, 80s tempo.... I should love this song but I end up just hating the last 10 songs I just listened to.

If you don't say you'll love me I'll kill you
Tell me at once. Choose me or die.

That's what she sings when the analog drums break down, but I just want to punch my computer in the face and silence Windows Media Player for all eternity.

By: Francis Henville
Published on: 2004-11-18
Comments (4)

Today on Stylus
October 31st, 2007
October 31st, 2007
Recently on Stylus
October 30th, 2007
October 29th, 2007
October 30th, 2007
October 29th, 2007
Recent Music Reviews
Recent Movie Reviews