I should be more careful when browsing the new release shelf. I think I’ve seen every fucking movie on that wall by now. Last night I was left to decide between Cinderella Story with the lovable Hilary Duff, or the Chronicles of Riddick with the equally lovable Vin Diesel.

Excercising my apparent masculinity, I went with Riddick, hoping at least for a semi-decent action movie. What I got was the most incoherent mess I’ve seen all year. I realize now why I passed this movie up when it came to theaters this summer.

For the first half hour I was actually paying attention, but soon the film became so muddled and dismal that I no longer could focus on anything but the ridiculous camera work (haven’t we learned anything about improper use of canted frames from Battlefield Earth?). I ask very little of a science fiction film; I ask even less of an action film. Define a clear villian, establish a main goal for the hero, arrive at said destination with little deviation and make the damn action scenes intelligible. Granted that formula doesn’t make an exceptional film, but at least it would make a coherent one.

Watching Riddick I was left with only questions that I didn’t particularly care to answer. What the fuck is the Underverse and why must the Necromangers destroy anyone who won’t join them in their pilgramage there? On a planet in which its sun revolves so closely that it scorches the planet’s surface would a person really be capable of sheltering themself behind a large rock? And would a person have the physical urge to scratch one’s own crotch while in deep space hibernation if all brain activity has shut down?

If anyone has seen this that can shed some light on this debacle please assist me (especially with the inexplicable end scene which I won’t reveal here for the sake of those adventurous enough to see this). But I think it’s safe to say I will be renting Cinderella Story next time around- it couldn’t be any worse.