Why did no-one tell me that the video for “Bat Out Of Hell” is complete cinematic genius? I saw it this evening as part of BBC2’s exciting ‘let’s continue to make Top of the Pops look rather bad’ campaign (ie; Top of the Pops 2) and was, frankly, stunned.

At first I wondered if Dave Vanian had been at the pies (ho ho, do you see? because Meatloaf is fat!) but was fairly swiftly distracted by the noticeably horrendous tape quality. You know how desperately worn out the Star Trek theme tune sounds these days? “Nuuurrh… nuh… nuuurrrgghh nurrggh nuh.. nuhh nuuuhhh NNUUUH”, it goes. Err… well, like that. Unless they were just using some kind of amazing tremolo piano for the shoot, of course. In which case I retract all my comments. Except for the impression of the Star Trek theme–I’m quite proud of that. Sadly.

Anyway, yes. The sound is wobbling all over the place, the sub-Thunderbirds set on the ‘outside’ cuts is wobbling all over the place, Meatloaf is wobbling all over the place (ha ha, because he’s a big fat fatty you see! oh god, I’m so clever) and I’m starting to wonder if I can risk switching over to Channel 4 without catching a glimpse of “REALITY SHOW X: MORE IDIOTS TALK ABOUT NOTHING. FOREVER. UNTIL YOU DIE.”

I can’t, of course.

Gradually though, it starts to win me over. There’s something about the way Meatloaf is waving his red hankie around the place like a gigantic fop (literally gigantic, because he’s such a blob! am I right?!) and something about the way in which the mysterious woman in all-over white lycra slowly grows visibly concerned by Meat’s increasingly manic antics as the track progresses. Something, even, in the way the track gamely manages to continue for fully nine hours.

So I salute you, “Bat Out Of Hell” video director person. I salute you for listening to the song and thinking “Hmm.. I think we can best depict this by sticking the band in a shed and having some bloke scoot past it a few times on a motorbike”, I salute the props department for bravely spending an afternoon churning out some headstones with nothing more than a few sheets of cardboard and some magic markers, and I salute Meatloaf for giving an epic, larger than life performance (not much larger though, or he’d crush the band.. eh, EH? oh fine, fuck off).

Wait, wait… I’ve thought of a great one! “Fat Out Of Hell”!

Oh heavens, my sides.

*sigh*