(part 5 of a suddenly not-so-occasional series)

BLACK BOX RECORDER - The Facts Of Life

Mark & Lard did their last show on Radio 1 a couple of weeks ago. This was the second song they played. I was beaming from ear to ear through every second of it. Cos, y’see, I was there (well, listening anyway) when they played it for the first time, too…

A-Level English Language Conference, Friends’ Meeting House, Euston, London, England, sometime in early 2000. Probably February. It was a Monday, I can remember that much. Our school’s group decided to get back a bit late from lunch, because the lecture after lunch had bugger all to do with what we were studying (something about creating believable characters for crime novels. Fuck that). We get back while the lecture’s still going on and are sat outside being ordered not to talk. As such, I put my earphones in and listen to Mark & Lard for a bit. They announce that their new Record Of The Week is ‘The Facts Of Life’ by Black Box Recorder.

My previous knowledge of BBR was sketchy. I had half-remembered reading about them being the alter-ego of a miserable git called Luke, and they had a song called ‘Child Psychology (Life Is Unfair, Kill Yourself Or Get Over It)’. For some reason I used to think it was Luke Sutherland out of Long Fin Killie and Bows as opposed to Luke “Pleased To Meet You Mr” Haines. They were a band that were always described as being ‘depressing’ and ’scary’, and as such I tended to stay away from them, due to the fact that I really don’t like being scared very much. I probably thought they were like The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown or someone.

Anyway, they played it… and I spent the next three and a bit minutes creasing up while trying to stay silent for fear of getting castigated by terrifying Quaker meeting house security men.

The genius of ‘The Facts Of Life’ lies in how it takes on the UK pop-soul ‘temptresses’ at their own game, subverts them, and then knocks them for six. The message at the heart of the song - “You are a teenager. You’ve never had any. You aren’t getting any. And you never will.” The joy of that first time was hearing this smooth, All Saints-style swingbeat-lite poppy number not telling you the many ways in which it is going to sex you this evening, or how great it thinks you are at sexing it, but rather:

When boys are just eleven
They begin to grow in height
At a faster rate than they have done before
They develop curiosity
And start to fantasise
About the things they�ve never thought of doing before
These dreams are no more harmful than
The usual thoughts that boys have
Of becoming football stars or millionaires
As long as the distinction between fantasy and fiction remains
It�s just a nature walk

It�s just the facts of life
There�s no master plan
Walk me home from school
I�ll let you hold my hand
You�re getting ideas
And when you sleep at night
They develop into sweet dreams
It�s just the facts of life�

Why do edited highlights when you�ve got that, hmm? (I�m aware the third verse is missing, though. That�s cos it wasn�t in the radio edit�)

Anyway � lyrics and production two parts. Third � Sarah Nixey. Sarah� Nixey. See, if Luke Haines were singing this song, it would just sound fucked. Ditto for John Moore. No, songs about how puberty screws y�up but-you-may-get-over-it-one-day require a woman�s touch, and that woman is Sarah Nixey. I really ought to tread quite carefully here, cos whenever I write about Black Box Recorder it usually just turns into an elegy on how pretty she is. Well, maybe elegy�s overstating it. She is pretty though.

But she�s one of very few people that could get the Black Box Recorder canon right on, which she does here. Her voice is near monotone, but with enough flicks and fluctuations in it to set off the shivers. Is she cold? Is she warm? Dunno. But it hurt, somehow, hurt beautifully.

Those early months of the year 2000, presumably March & April, were commandeered by BBR. I can remember nearly skipping across the road to Brixton tube station on the way to school trying to remember how the chorus went. The mild outrage I felt at Nixey being voted only eighth in Melody Maker�s poll of the sexiest women in rock, behind (and I might have misremembered some of these) Hillary Woods (out of JJ72), Cerys Matthews, Sophia Churney (from Ooberman), Charlotte Hatherley, Justine Frischmann, Shirley Manson, and Mew out of Elastica. (note however that five of the seven were in bands that have since gone south, and the other two are in Ash and Garbage, so, er, hah. No, let�s not bring the question of how many people are aware that BBR are still together into this. No, let�s NOT.) The way I began to think Alexis Petridis� attempt to relaunch Select magazine was really great if only due to the fact that every month was guaranteed to feature Black Box Recorder in some capacity, whether it be John Moore�s interview with Daphne & Celeste or just another photo of Sarah Nixey included for no better reason than Sarah Nixey frigging rocks�

And then � the payoff. April 2000, �The Facts Of Life� enters the UK top 40 at #20. A delirious Mr Swygart decides to tape the moment for posterity. He also decides to do it in a really clever manner, yeah, by taping the version Steve Lamacq played on the Evening Session, resplendent with third verse (�A family car, a disused coalmine, a rowing boat, or a shed�) and then recording the ending off the top 40 version, just so he could get Scott Mills confirming that yes, �it�s a new entry for BLACK-BOX-RECORDER, in at number twenty with THE-FACTS-OF-LIFE�. The following Friday � Black Box Recorder got on Top Of The Pops. The performance was slightly odd, in that it became rather obvious that none of the band bar Nixey had ever planned on getting this far, which resulted in her wearing rather too much eyeliner and Haines & Moore looking like Very Seedy Old Men Indeed. At the end, Luke Haines broke into a fit of giggles.

And then� The follow-up single, �The Art Of Driving�, was the first single I ever bought, CD1, featuring �The Facts Of Life� remixed by Jarvis Cocker and Steve Mackey from Pulp and an ultra-gorgeous cover of �Rock & Roll Suicide� recorded for the Evening Session. It didn�t make the top 40. The album went top 40, though, at #39, and it took bloody ages for me to save up enough money to buy it (tip: if you are the world�s worst poker player, do not play poker. Ever). BBR played Glastonbury, and Nixey wore a white PVC catsuit. The BBC decided to show Moby�s performance instead. Jesus probably wept.

Worse was to follow � BBR�s label, Nude Records, went under the following year. Their next album, Passionoia, had been recorded, but suddenly they found themselves plunged unto development hell. It didn�t come out until last year, on One Little Indian (the delightful Mr Murphy�s opinion here), by which time the mainstream�s focus had moved wayyy off them. Their one defender was Alexis Petridis, who by now had managed to run Select into the ground and moved his focus to the music section of The Guardian. He gave it three out of five. The first single, �These Are The Things�, got to #91. They then released a second single, �The School Song�, which didn�t even make the top 100. My last encounter with Black Box Recorder would have been around this time last year, when they played the Birmingham Academy 2 (like the Birmingham Academy, but smaller and uglier). It was about half-to-three-quarters full. I would go on to write a rambling, wankful review of it for the uni newspaper and comprehensively blot my copybook with more or less anyone who ever knew me there.

And you know what the weird thing is? Somehow, none of that actually matters. Cos they were happy. Sarah Nixey & John Moore fell in love with each other and got married. They had a child. As for Luke Haines, he�s probably still more famous for being the man behind The Auteurs. He�s got his cult following, enough to release his own little �Greatest Hits� record last year (only songs he wrote himself, so no BBR cos they were all co-written with Moore). Everyone loves the miserable old bugger, unless, of course, they hate him.

I interviewed John Moore before the gig in Birmingham. He�s a lovely fellow - said he�d tried listening to Radio 1 to see if they were getting played, but turned off because he couldn�t stand �Pain Killer� by Turin Brakes.

And now, I�ve no idea what they�re up to. BBR were always a band rather lacking in a target audience outside of, er, Alexis Petridis. No website has anything on them after June 2003 (don�t visit the One Little Indian site, it is fugly and has sound files that you can�t turn off). If anyone would care to make a slightly too-obsessive fansite about them, then please do. They really are worth it, y�know.

(N.B. as a starting point, try hunting down the B-Sides collection, The Worst Of Black Box Recorder. The other albums are all very good, but for some reason I like this best. The cover of �Rock & Roll Suicide� really is very special)