ere comes The Electric Soft Parade! Teenagers! Brothers! From Brighton! With guitars! And synths! And Pro Tools! And some records by Pavement! Everyone loves them! One of them is a bit podgy! The other one has a skinhead! Indie kids! Combat trousers! Melodies! Lots of vocoders and things! Because he isn’t very good at singing! Empty At The End! Harmonies! A bit like Teenage Fanclub! A bit like Elastica! If they were all boys! The podgy one is a good drummer! Pop music! Lots of squeaky twiddly electronic noises! More interestingly produced than most other indie records! Especially ones by teenagers! They did it themselves! On a computer! In their bedroom! Well done lads! They like Super Furry Animals! Sometimes they sound like them! But less Welsh! The artwork isn’t very good! It looks a bit like a fossil! But it’s actually some stairs! There’s A Silence! Sort of a love song! But quite loud! And quite fast! With a guitar solo! It’s a bit like those songs you used to dance to! In indie clubs! When you were 17! And a bit drunk! It’s Wasting Me Away! A bit sad! About “a never ending sorrow”! But we’re not sure what sorrow! Another guitar solo! A bit like songs you used to listen to while looking out of your bedroom window! When you were 17! And feeling a bit existential! Silent To The Dark! The big single! Quiet verse! Big chorus! With harmonies! A nice middle eight! Five minutes of farty ambient train noises in the middle! That get really fucking boring! Some synths! A bit of piano! When they do it live it’s even fucking longer! Time to go and make a cup of tea! Nine minutes long! Nine fucking minutes! I could’ve had a wank! This Given Line! Jaunty piano intro! Then some guitars! The lyrics are a bit crap and pointless! Like most of the lyrics! To most of the songs! Why Do You Try So Hard To Hate Me! Quite ‘rocking’! Starts a bit like Song 2 by Blur! A bit angry! It can piss you off, being a teenager! Constantly aware that this record was made using Pro Tools! Because there’s little fucking electronic noises everyfuckingwhere! And lots of synths! And pianos! The last three songs are quite slow! Or long! They’ve got a tune called Broadcast! That they pissed away as a b-side! And it’s better than anything on the album! I don’t understand! Most of the songs are quite good! But they sound like you’ve heard them before! If I was 17 I might love this record! But I’m 23! I’m a bit bored of indie! No matter how well produced! On Pro Tools! With lots of swirly synths! And little fucking electronic noises! By brothers! In their bedroom! Quite a good album then! But not great!