Pop Playground
The Lowdown

am a guy and I recently got together with my first girlfriend. Things are cool and progressing along in terms of making out and stuff. However, I am sure that soon she will expect me to give her head and I am totally petrified of this since I have no idea how to do this. All my friends are also clueless. Can you help me?

Can I just applaud you for asking? Well done you. I am pleased as punch to train up the next generation of cunnilinguists. You know when your car breaks down and you open the hood in the vain hope a big red arrow will light up pointing straight to the problem. And when it doesn’t, you just stand there staring at something completely alien to you? Well, its kinda the same view for guys when it comes to a girl’s undercarriage. Just a big huge ‘what does this thing do’ befuddlement. But don’t fear, as I am here to navigate you through the pleasure cave. And let me tell you, this is an important skill to have in your bag of tricks. In order to get this right, as well as cover all the bases, I’ve broken my answer down into three sections: Science, The Girls and The Master Class.

First, the science bit. There is only one type of female orgasm, clitoral and women orgasm through direct stimulation of their clitoris. So you sir, are going to have to meet the clitoris and make it your new best friend. The clitoris is a fleshy nub located quite close to the vaginal opening. The best way to find your honey’s is by exploring her delta of Venus with your fingers first, and then once you are more familiar with the landscape, going in for the oral kill.

Now for the female perspective, and this is tailor made for the girl posse. You totally got the collective “aw, what a sweetie!” posse shout-out by the way. I have trimmed the comments down and here are highlights:

· HIT the right spot and remember it’s not a twist tie.
· Shave before your go down there. Facial hair rubbing against your inner thigh is an avoidable distraction.
· You just might have to ask. Because let's be real if its all wrong, its just all wrong.
· Gently does it and let the girl guide him particularly if it’s his first time or even second.
· Let’s just say a bit of teasing goes a long way and rough is NOT better!
· Men need friction to come, but women need pressure. You don’t have to go at our parts like a belt sander.
· Use fingers and mouth. Mix it up.

Also, all of us say the same thing – communication is the most vital element to making this, and all sexual contact, work best. Before you even start, explain to her that you aren’t experienced in this area, and that you really want her to enjoy it so she needs to tell you what she likes, what feels good, and what doesn’t.

Finally, we come to the Master Class. I asked two guys friends who, I have on very good authority, are very highly skilled in this area for some tips and guidance. Here’s what they said:

“You learn by paying attention. This is hard to do because you are simultaneously immersing yourself in the act while also looking at the proceedings for some vague disembodied, floating perspective. Focus less on moans (they can always be faked) and more on bodily spasms or clenches. Obviously, pay attention to the clit but learn what other parts of her genitalia she likes to have touched. Mixing paces is important and never assume that because it worked once it will work again. Also mix light and strong touches. Contrast is paramount.”

“Realize beforehand that you WILL lose "the spot" -- don't freak out, just methodically and coolly try to find it again. Often, the break time as you find it again gives her time to recuperate and extend her pleasure.”

“A good motivator is to understand that if you are really, really great at this, you can pretty much suck at everything else cause it won’t matter. I mean, you should try to be amazing at everything but excelling at this is most important”

“If some of the rudiments can be mastered fairly quickly then it is time for a big insight: giving head well means learning how to incorporate her *whole* body into the act. Caress her breasts, the inside of her thigh, and the small of her back. The goal is sensory overload not just beating the crap out of a one-inch area of genital flesh.”

“Honestly, the best tip is that you gotta love it. If you are just giving it to get it, you might as well not do it. Its all about giving your girlfriend all the pleasure she can stand, then, giving her just a little bit more.”

So go forth - young stud. Armed with all this, your lady will black out with pleasure.

Oh, I almost forgot the most important thing - learn to breathe through your ears.

My boyfriend sings along to songs in the car all day and it drives me crazy! I just want to hear the goddamn music! How can I ask him to stop without coming across like a control-freak bitch?

I must admit, I always find it hilarious when I see someone singing out at the top of their lungs while sitting in their car. Do they think they are invisible? Or should I be congratulating their ebullience? But yeah, ugh, it can be dreadful. And I can say this because my Dad used to do it and it drove me bananas. Does he even know he is doing it? If he does, all you can do is ask nicely, but all the time realizing he might have no control over it. If however, it is all about his inner rock star dying to get out point him in the direction of the nearest karaoke bar and hope that quells his diva-tude. Even if it doesn’t, it could be worse. My dad used to eat ice cream cones while driving. Which is not only annoying and messy, but dangerous too.

My girlfriend has a 6-year-old son, and we recently watched Top of the Pops 2 together and Bowie was on doing "Space Oddity" and I asked him what he thought of it and he was completely unimpressed. How old must a child be before they can experience a musical epiphany?

Sometimes never. Most 6-year-olds think Busted is the dog’s bollocks, so that’s the level of musical epiphany we’re dealing with. I think the love of music is something you are born with. Some people get the criminal gene; we got the music geek gene. Like most behaviour, it can be nurtured through environment, but you are either born to be awed by music, or born to be bored by it.

I grew up in a house that was filled with jazz music. I remember hearing it from a little age, but the understanding of how important it was in the context of my life didn’t really come to me until I was at least 10 and all my dad’s ramblings about the genius of Bird or Miles Davis started to make sense. Still, I don’t think I had my first musical epiphany until I was around 15 or so and listened to Spacemen 3 and thought – wow – this I get. Translating my burgeoning teen angst into melody and riffs. Someone understand me! Others are like me! Of course, now I realise they were singing about drugs, which is another epiphany altogether. However, you could attempt your own sociology vs. biological experiment on the wee lad. Fill his head with all the things you love and he will soon catch on. Most boys’ brains are pretty malleable until they hit puberty, and then they usually stop developing altogether. So you’ve got plenty of time to catalyse the epiphany.

Can I ask what is on most reader’s minds? Do you have a boyfriend?

Ask A Girl’s private life is just that. Private. However, I do have my eye on someone…

Got girls all figured out? Yeah, didn’t think so. ask_a_girl_stylus@yahoo.com

By: Lisa Oliver

Log In to Post Comments
Posted 03/19/2004 - 11:49:34 AM by d.a.boyfriend:
 I think this column proves once and for all that Clem Bastow will never be Lisa Oliver, no matter how hard she tries.
Posted 03/19/2004 - 03:40:18 PM by NickSouthall:
 I don't know that that was ever Clem's intention.
Posted 03/21/2004 - 09:37:32 PM by clem_bastow:
 Zzz... The only person I try hard to be is Clem Bastow, and I do a pretty fucking excellent job at that.
Posted 05/11/2004 - 03:47:44 PM by scottw:
 Ms. Oliver: just wanted to say thanks; this sort of thing is helpful (or will be, at some point, presumably) for all of us SMVs.
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