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here is this hot girl at my school and I want to ask her out but not make a fool out of myself. Any ideas? Also how would I find out if she likes me?

If I had a nickel for every time I got a variation on this same question, I’d have enough to buy a nice chocolate bar. Look, we all want to date the hot girl. But you know what? We can’t. So some of us are doomed to date the cute girl, or the funny girl or the incredibly nice girl. Boo-hoo doesn’t that suck for us. But, this is an advice column, and you have asked, so according to the contract I signed in blood with my editor, I am obliged to come up with something.

In order to answer this, I consulted one of my male friends, who, when he was broke one summer between university years, got a job in the PR department of Calvin Klein. So, I thought he would be a good place to start with. You know models, hot girls – follow the logic? His response was,

“I would be lying if I said I had any insight into model behaviour, although I can say they are all pretty insecure. Oddly enough, the one I spoke to the longest was also the only real diva, Kate Moss...showed up late and drunk for a fitting before the collections with (gasp!!) Johnny Depp. That's also the day Calvin fired her....”

“But back to your question, I have gotten drunk enough to ask that question of male models, but the answers have never been satisfying...Based on my years of observations of the women, old man gives me money and the power it buys, I give you my youth and beauty (and maybe genes). I mean have you ever seen a model date a broke/middle-class old man?? It simplifies their lives. A young hunk like Smith Jarrod (Samantha’s boyfriend on Sex And The City) is going to cheat on you and if he doesn't, your girlfriends will always be hitting on him anyway. With an old man, you KNOW he can't really do better and Viagra not withstanding, how much lovin' can he need? What about Diana and Dodi? Even with a bag over his head, could you imagine sleeping with that guy? Honey, somebody has to pay for the yacht and the private getaways.”

I also consulted the extended girl posse, since they are no slouches in the hot girl stakes. Most of them suggested that “trying not to be a total dickhead” would be a good first start. As well as just “acting normal”. Although they aren’t being total honest since I know for a fact two of them went out with someone because they pulled grand, over-the-top gestures (and both those guys turned out to be losers). And I know one of them went out with a guy because he ignored her.

So, if you look at the above information, to date a hot girl, you have to be very rich, possibly old, be willing to make grand gestures, or be willing to ignore your intended. See? Easy!

As for how can you tell if she likes you, well, does she even know you are alive? Are you in her life in any way? Better still, are you friends with anyone you know that you can pump for information? If no, you might want to do a reconnaissance mission. Find out whom she has dated and see if there are any commonalities. If they were all blond and you are dark-haired, well, that is a simple elimination game.

But honestly – there are no magic solutions, no magic lines and, unless you are a mind reader, no way to know if she does like you without biting the bullet and asking. I mean, yeah, you can interpret signs and stuff, but the best way to get in there and do the wet work. However, you might want to maybe look over the hot girl’s shoulder cause there could be a pretty amazing girl standing there who would love for you to ask her out.

Often I sit with my girlfriend and unconsciously lapse into blathering about the minutiae of bands careers and usually she will ask to borrow the disc if she isn't familiar with the band. But then 3 weeks later she gives me it back saying she hasn't had time to listen to it. Is she doing it just to make me think she was paying attention?

This is an excellent question that I have been thinking about since I got because I have no idea what to say. It’s really stumped me. Drawing a big, fat blank as to why she is doing it, especially since it seems to be habit. And obviously she isn’t fooling anyone since she doesn’t listen to it and you are aware that she isn’t going to listen to it. But having thought about it more, there are few reasons why she is doing it.

· To, indeed, shut you up.
· She does intend to listen to them, but gets sidetracked for whatever reason and doesn’t.
· She is trying to pay attention and express an interest in something that means a lot to you, but is failing in the follow-through.

I am going to presume it the latter two, instead of the first one; cause the first one is just plain mean. She could probably shut you up a number of other ways that are far more effective and don’t involve her listening to music she doesn’t want to. It just seems such a labour-intensive way to go about it. What I would advise is next time this happens, follow this dialogue

You: “Um, are you going to listen to it this time?”
Her: “What’s that suppose to mean?"
You: “Well, you seem to borrow my discs and then never listen to them. Why?”

And she will then reveal why she is doing it. And can you let me know what she’s says because I am curious as well.

I used to date a guy in a band and my boyfriend is all upset because I want to go see them. Is he just being oversensitive, or am I not being sensitive enough? I know I'd never want to go see any of his ex's, but on the other hand, I really like the band, and I'm worried that if I go without him, it will cause a big fight. What should I do?

This has actually happened to me. And it is not fun. I told my then-boyfriend I was going seeing my ex’s band that night. When I saw him five hours later, he was drunk and acting like a meathead. Jealousy in a relationship changes it from being an equal partnership of two winners into a zero-sum game of a winner and a loser. While it might give you a positive gain at first (Aw, he must really like me, he gets all jealous) that will quickly dissipate into a loss of boyfriend/girlfriend when he/she gets fed up with all your bullshit. Jealously, for the most part, isn’t about loving someone too much, it’s about the jealous person’s insecurities. It’s their problem, and like all good neurotic maladies, they insist on making yours as well. There is also an element of control going on in there since the jealous person weapon of choice tends to be guilt-inducement.

So, you need to make it clear to your boyfriend that all your home cooking is done in his oven, and not anyone else’s. There is no need for him to be jealous. Your boyfriend is your man now, not the silly ex. The ex isn’t a threat, just a page in your history book. But, it might not be a bad idea to nicely tell your boyfriend that if he gets all bent out of shape and freaky, then you might think “hmm…why am I with this possessive fruitcake?” and subsequently drive yourself into someone else’s arms. Because if you’ve see enough movies, you know this happens. Actually, if you live in a world that involves human beings, you know this happens.

But, if you do take the above advice about your boyfriend, the same goes for you about his ex-girlfriends. If you want to get all high and mighty on the sassy horse, you can’t turn around and act all possessive and jealous if he wants to hang out with his ex. Fair is fair. And if, for some reason it all goes pear-shaped and he leaves you for her, you are better off without him. Cause he is jackass and you, my love, are way too fine to waste your time on a jackass.

By: Lisa Oliver

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