Top Ten Most Disturbing Band Fan Fiction Stories
eople have a very narrow definition of what music fandom does and should entail. Yes, music fans such as yourself write lots of lists, spend hours and wage packets on eBay, and fancy that record store clerk with the emo specs and the mole. Some of you may have taken it to the next level: following a band on tour, setting up an MP3 blog so people can hear all of the B-sides of your favourite romo acts, or being the subject of a restraining order from that record store clerk with the emo specs and the mole. However, this isn’t far enough. There are people out there who have you beaten for when it comes to taking things too far. These people are fan fiction writers.
For the uninitiated, fan fiction is genre of writing popular on the internet where already existing characters (usually from science fiction TV shows) are used in original storylines and settings, usually involving lots of poorly written gay sex. For the initiated, I’m sure a shiver has just gone down your spine. Fan fiction writers are usually typified as being only slightly above furries when it comes to the dregs of the internet, as they pour out the emotions that they keep so tightly hidden in the midst of their psyche onto the blank canvas that is their favourite TV show, movie, or, in these cases, band. You could argue we all, as music fans, do this: after all, haven’t we all been convinced at one point or another that a certain troubadour is “singing my life with his words”? It’s a fair argument, but one that gets undermined by the simple fact that the majority of us don’t write incest fan fictions about Good Charlotte, so we win.
Researching this project brought up some recurring themes. Really badly written gay sex being the main one. There were the failed attempts at humour and cuteness that precede the really badly written gay sex. And thirdly was the kind of bands that people tend to write about. AFI, A Simple Plan, Good Charlotte, HIM, and Placebo all have lots of fan fictions written about them. The Wedding Present, Manu Chao, and Project Pat don’t. Fan fiction writers as a rule tend to be fag-haggish, badly made-up girls in their mid teens, which would explain the domination of pretty-boy rock groups, and why there is very little in the way of hip-hop fan fiction. Then again, Black Thought sucking Rahzel’s cock really isn’t helping anyone. So, after far too long spent pouring overly literally thousands of fan fiction, band fiction, slash fiction, and stranger than fiction, Stylus is happy to present to you the ten most disturbing fan fictions ever.
Artist in question: KoRn
Before we get to the heart of the matter, though, we’d like to start, in the classical tradition, with some poetry. It’s not all stories in the world of fanfic, you know. Sometimes a person, such as JonDavis=Hot here, can be so moved by the talent and expertise of an artist such as Jonathan Davis, that they feel the need, nay, necessity, to celebrate their praises in verse. Verse with absolutely no line breaks. Yeah, I hate concrete poetry as well. And you thought this article was just going to be laughing at the Gofficks!
09. When It Gets Too Much
Author: Adelaide Elizabeth Morgan
Artist in question: Bryan Adams. And his guitarist.
Adelaide's attention to detail is to be admired as much as her choice of protagonists is to be vilified. She has woven a deeply unpleasant, creepy to the point of being stalkertastic tale of Bryan Adams rekindling his lustful feelings towards his now-married guitarist.
What is creepy about it is that Keith Scott really is the name of Bryan's guitarist and he really does have a wife called Paula. While reading this story, it's impossible to escape the impression that this goes some way beyond a fan who gets their kicks fantasizing about hot man-on-man love (because, if it were, Bryan Adams? Why?) and launches into the realm of wishing poor Paula a heartbreak as her axeman husband becomes a… lumberjack.
"Sometimes I'm too scared to even look at you because I know the response my body will have. I just want to hold you, to touch you. Anything."
Technically, this is actually quite well-written, steering clear of the poor grammar, homophonic confusion and lack of punctuation of many of these stories. However, it hasn't steered clear of the stock gay-porn plotline of formerly gay man torn between wife and lover, though to be fair, the dialogue isn't actually worse than the lesbian plotline in Neighbours.
08. Beware Of Kittie Part 1: So Much For My Happy Ending
Author: Big Red Dope
Artists in question: Avril Lavigne. And Kittie.
Avril Lavigne, that little mall-rat gets her comeuppance as she gets raped by Kittie. With dildos. She was probably asking for it.
This is probably meant to be symbolic of how manufactured "trash" like Avril is just a load of meaningless product compared to the oh-so-real, constipated yowlings of those Kittie minxes, and as such, her submission in this poorly-written rape fantasy is just a restoration of the natural order of things.
That'll really show those pesky little Avril fans with their fashionable shoes and oh so shiny hair.
07. Juggalo Luck
Author: The Living Dead Juggalo
Artist in question: Britney Spears, with cameos from all of your favourite members of the Psychopathic Records roster.
Maybe this doesn’t count because it’s not really “fan fiction” per se, but rather erotic fiction. But, boy, does it fill the “disturbing” section of the mission statement five times over.
I’m going to hypothesize here that The Living Dead Juggalo is male, in his late teens, and has been known to attempt some of those dark carnival horrorcore stylings on the mic. The hero, and “hero” doesn’t even begin to describe it, of “Juggalo Luck” is a 19 year old male MC who’s just signed to Psychopathic Records. Called Damien. Well, aren’t they all?
This story takes place on the hypothetical “Pop vs Rap” tour, sadly not featuring failed shiny Steps-tribute act Pop!, but instead featuring the obvious line-up of the boy Damien, Xtina, Britney, and Myzery, who you won’t remember from such hit singles as “Stimulated Dome”. He’s no Ying Yang Twins when it comes to pop princesses, that’s for sure.
But we can overlook the intense illogicality of this song because of the fantastic set-up that leads from two artist from totally different genres, backgrounds, and worlds coming together in the act of sexual unity. From them first meeting to them getting it on, this is the entire story:
'What's up,Brit?''asked Damien.
''Nothing,just wanted to say bye.''said Britney.
''Not like that,the right way,in my dressing room.''said Britney.
''Okay.''said Damien,as she led him to her dressing room.
Then they have sex.
After reading this one, all stereotypes you may have held about Insane Clown Posse fans will vanish into the ether. The story ends with our Damien getting some material for his new album from the whole sordid tryst, so our characters live on even when we’re not with them. But, at the end of the day, how much erotica mentions the Kotton Mouth Kings, huh? Yeah, I’d forgotten all about them as well.
06. Una notte e forse molto di piu
Author: Amaltea 480
Artist in question: Eiffel 65
Italian disco guys who put out cheery, repetitive ESL pop get a fittingly frothy ESL slash. Gabry is in love with Jeffrey, even though, dear me no, he's never been gay. Or even bi. Shocking.
"It's a perversion," I thought as my mind regained the ability to functionate properly. "The double perversion. We're not just both males, but also almost brothers..."
Its angst is as mild as its author's grasp of English grammar, and its slash is quite a bit less offensive than listening to "Blue (Ba Da Bee)" when not drunk or surrounded by drunken Europeans wearing diagonally-striped shirts.
What's even more shocking is that even after admitting his love, he still wants to have the sex with ladies!
If only my woman would know what kind of things her man is planning to do in tour! Silly girl hopes to find something serious with me. To my mind it's she who is too protracted quick fuck...
05. what life would be WITH 2 pac
Artist in question: 2Pac
“What if?” questions are much loved by philosophers, historians, sports analysts, indeed so many other “experts”, why shouldn’t use music critics tackle the subject? gparty17 teases us with this amazing trailer:
Life would be so differnet WITH 2 pac right now. 50 cent or Eminem wouldn't be in right, maybe, MAYBE 50 cent would. 2 pac could have been larger then life! 2 pac could been more then Dr. Dre or Snoop Dogg. R.IP 2 pac!
Before hitting us with one of the most reasoned and impassioned pleas for a lost one-testicled idol ever.
04. 100% Ginuwine
Artist in question: Far too many to mention.
A clever riposte and play on the homophobia inherent in so much urban music, or just the most horrific display of black-on-black pounding since the Benn/McClellan fight? Probably the latter. Taking as its base a party attended by a bunch of people who have shunned a P Diddy bash that same night (Ginuwine, Method Man, K-Ci but not Jojo, Usher, and Nas), this really does have everything. Assuming you take the phrase “everything” to mean “Method Man having sex with his brother”, “Nas’s revelations about how well R Kelly gives head”, and “confirmation about the well-hung state of DMX, Ma$e, and Busta Rhymes”. Next time you get bored, there’s great fun to be had in imagining Busta Rhymes shouting “Yeah nigga you was watching me fuck that nigga now I’m fucking you” over the “Gimme Some Mo” beat. As a “joke” I posted this story in full to a music message board nearly two years ago. I am still receiving e-mails from curious Googlers alternately informing me that the story was “hot” or that “aint no nigga gonna touch my ass”.
03. Danger! High Voltage
Artist in question: Jack White and Rivers Cuomo
OK, so you find Jack White attractive. That’s… well, not really understandable, but we’ll let it pass. And you have similar attractions to Asperger’s posterboy Rivers Cuomo. He’s motherable, I can sort of see the appeal. And you want them to have lots and lots and lots of gay sex. Well, this is how these things tend to end, and far be it from me to encourage deviation from the canon. But how can you, the fan fiction writer, bring these two disparate musical icons together? Where can they met? At a recording studio? A backstage at a festival? An awards ceremony? Outside Winona Ryder’s bedroom door? PhantomTurtle knows better than all of this. PhantomTurtle knows that the obvious place for Jackie and Rivvie to meet prior to them fucking each others brains out is… a Sims Online chatroom! The author quite brilliantly precedes the story with the disclaimer that “I have no idea what sims online is like so i guessed”. The mind is boggling.
If this wasn’t WTF enough, she then sets it to the dulcet tones of “Danger! High Voltage” by Electric Six, rather than one of those songs the Black Eyed Peas recorded in Simsglish or whatever it’s called. And then the sex scene finally comes and you wish you were back in Simsville, as PhantomTurtle’s only previous experience of sexual intercourse appears to have been reading other fan fictions. Plus it contains the quite frankly laughable notion that Rivers Cuomo is capable of orgasm. I’m all for suspension of disbelief but that’s just ridiculous.
This was the first fan fiction that PhantomTurtle ever wrote, and, like Orson Welles, the albatross of earlier success weighed heavy on their later efforts. Her follow-up stories don’t feature, say, Julian Casablancas and Chris Martin meeting on UltimaOnline, but rather AFI and Lord of the Rings. Bo-ring.
02. Celeb Foot Fun 5: Blink-182 Pre-Show Quickie
Author: Bedroom Athlete
Artist in question: Blink 182
Apparently fifth in a series of celebrity footplay stories. Others in the series include a hotel rendezvous between P Diddy and Usher (Sean obviously having gotten over Mr Raymond’s snub of his earlier party), and Fred Durst, Redman, and Method Man (he gets around) going over each others tootsies. I’m not quite sure why I chose Blink 182 here either. I think it may be because Bedroom Athlete kicks off with a quite remarkable piece of fanboy knowledge, by precisely naming the correct makes of Blink 182’s preferred guitars, and then, roughly seven seconds after they started writing the story, gets bored with all that foundation-laying and plot work, and instead just turns the entire thing into a butcher’s shop window, culminating (well, not technically, but its certainly where I stopped reading) with the line “Surveying the after-effects of his orgasm, he couldn't believe how fucking sexy it was that he had basted Mark's back and Tom's torso in his cum”.
I think the word “sexy” is wrong here. I’d have used “an affront to all that is good and holy”.
01. The Song of The Night
Artist in question: Linkin Park
This is at number one despite, or because, it’s written in Portuguese. It’s at number one because the summary reads as follows:
World War Two. Brad and Rob are jews and this pain seems more than they can support.The devil general Bennington can becomes their lifes a hell. How can Mike, a japanese private, Phe, and Alex, the Chester's sister, change the Rob and Brad's destiny?
It’s at number one because “The devil general Bennington can becomes their lifes a hell” is my favourite sentence in the history of the written word. It’s at number one because Babelfish suggests that if I were of Portuguese extraction I’d understand that it contains the following passage:
The window if closes, I almost is alliviated. But then the door if opens brusquely. The shouts are deafening, I can have certainty of that I am the only one of the 45 people in this cell that this not crying or crying out. Latch my eyes not to see the children, not to find its eyes desesperançosos, but I am forced to look at again for the door that finished of if opening: for it General Bennington enters and starts to cry out energicamente so that all keep silent.
It’s at number one because of the concept. Because of Linkin Park being in World War II with one member as an evil general sending two of the other members of the band to a concentration camp. Because the story making any sense rests on the racial identity of three members of the band. Because it raises so many questions, chief of which are “What?” and “Why?”. Because it sums up all that is great and hideously wrong about fan fiction: someone taking a bad idea and making it just that little bit worse. And because I doubt that Mike Shinoda is the kind of guy you want in charge of building your railway lines.
To close, it would be wonderful if you, dear reader, would open your heart and your wallet to the good people at Fandomination, who need $600 by, like, last week. Most of the regular readers of the site are 12 years old—which, admittedly, makes them older than most of the writers—and their parents don't give them enough allowance to sustain such a thriving, fascinating community. So, readers of Stylus, open up your wallets in the same way you have probably opened up your mouth to let the vomit out three or four times over the past ten minutes, and give wisely. Mike Shinoda's life may depend on it.