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Music Videos Never in Contention for the Stylus Top 100



in what will hopefully be regular feature on Stylus (as long as that dude who filmed Reginald Denny getting beaten from a helicopter doesn’t get his way), we present our stash of YouTube clips worth watching. Or not worth watching. Or worth watching because they’re not worth watching. You get the point. On with the show…

Sure, you’ve seen Stylus’ Top 100 Music Videos of All Time, but did you know that there was a huge and confusing voting process that went on between our staff for nearly six months before its unveiling? These videos were never mentioned during that time (except Todd Burns’ continued boosterism for Joan Osborne (don’t ask)).


Nas ft. Puff Daddy – Hate Me Now

Nobody can quite be relied upon to make a bad music video like Nas. He hears the nay-sayers. He listens to those mealy-mouthed cynics who cry out: “Rap videos feature nothing but gaudy capitalism, mindless violence, and endless booty shots.” He responds “I, Mr Escobar-Jones, shall bringeth depth to this genre!”, failing to realize that good eye candy is, well, good. Bad Hype Williams eye candy overdubbed with myriad other offences is, well, not. If the video was made today at least we could get Farnsworth Bentley as a tap-dancing Mary Madgalene or something. Being crucified whilst wearing a cross yourself? So much WRONG.


Joan Osborne – One of Us

So... what if God was black? Hmm? Ever... ever thought about that? Ever stopped to pause and consider that one for a minute? What about if he was a punk rocker (no flowers in his hair)? Would that shake your comfortable little world? I can see the vein on your forehead pound from here. OK, how about I drop the bombshell on you? What if he was a WOMAN? Yeah. Think about that... think about that for a second. Think about it while our Joan rips your worldview asunder with her provocative music video and challenging imagery. What if Joan Osborne stopped shaking violently whilst singing for a moment? Anyone asked God Her views on that?


Modern Talking – Juliet

In 2002, German pop leviathans Modern Talking triumphantly returned, and to commemorate this the video for “Juliet” saw them going to A Sexy Young People’s Night-Club That Does Not Look Suspiciously Like A Badly-Lit Church Hall, Goodness No. Once there, the young women could not resist draping themselves over each other in order to get closer to Modern Talking. And why not? Modern Talking, after all, are the kind of people who take a helicopter in order to transport them to their limousine, a limousine of such quality that they can’t sit upright in it. Modern Talking also have a dance move, which consists of The One That Looks Like Clive Tyldesley jutting his neck out a bit. In fact, Modern Talking are so hot that much of this video just consists of them standing by some urinals. The video is soundtracked by Supermen Lovers’ “Starlight” getting seal-clubbed, and German pop music’s reputation getting set back about twenty years or so. Which is roughly when Modern Talking started having hits…
[William B. Swygart]


M.I.A. – Galang

It's with great pleasure I can introduce Stylus' brand new music video reviewer, Milhouse Van Houten

“Hey Bart! Lisa's skateboarding with some cool kids, and she looks like Blossom.”


Red Box – Lean on Me

Red Box, looking to all the world like dying extras from 40 minutes into And the Band Played On deliver a video so full of horrid it's hard to know where to start. The sign language guy that makes you think your TV has broken? The “aren't natives funny?” rain dancing? “Have we lost the spoken word” being seemingly paired with the opening credits of some silent prison sex? The roundabout “ethnic diversity” that just makes one hanker for that “Gandhis and Hitlers” skit from Banzai? The fact that writing on someone's face is more commonly used in dom/sub circles as a form of public sexual humiliation, rather than something you do on Japanese kids' faces for a laugh? The finger puppets? Oh god, the finger puppets.


Puddle of Mudd – Control

Puddle of Mudd lead singer Wes Scantlin is getting hassle from people for no better reason than he is an arse in a stupid fucking hat. His so-called ‘girlfriend’ (not because she is not having sex with him, but because GIRLS are not your FRIENDS, they are EVIL) kicks him out of her truck. She drives off, only to stop a little way down the road because she remembers that she is hopelessly turned on by the way he looks like a runtier version of WWE champion Edge that is apparently incapable of un-clenching his teeth. However, she has got another thing coming if she thinks he’s getting back in her truck… (not to spoil the ending or anything, but it’s a wee bit ironic that the one thing we learn for sure from this video is that Wes Scantlin throws like a girl.)
[William B. Swygart]


Marilyn Manson – Tainted Love

There was always that one kid in the English class whose parents had died in a horrid car crash that wrote poetry to cope with it. And the teacher would encourage him, and praise him, and read his stuff out to the class to let them know that he put EFFORT and HEART and EMOTION and MEANING into his work, and the only problem was that his poetry was utterly unenjoyable on every level. Welcome to his music video equivalent. Manson puts so so SO much effort into his videos, and for so little reward for anyone who's ever sat down and watched one of them. Is there actually a message here amongst all the try-too-hard confusion? If so, what is it? Being different is bad and you should always dress and act exactly like your peers? Black people are dangerous and must be avoided at all costs? Despite ploughing Dita Von Teese and her off-centre eyes for a long time, Brian W. still doesn't have the slightest fucking clue what actually constitutes sexy? “Yeah, we're gonna need tits for this video. Ah, now, they don't have to dance, they just need to be... titty. Can you find a bunch of titty girls for me? Maybe I could wander amongst them looking bizarrely like an anaemic cockroach?”


Ben Folds Five – Underground

Yeah, we were all 13 once. But I still refuse to believe youthful indiscretion stretched to enjoying this video. On the “Top 100” article, the various joys of “Oh so 90s” videos were illustrated by artists as various and diverse as Blackstreet and Nada Surf. This is everything that was wrong with 1990s music videos: failed attempts at wackiness, mugging to camera, feeble slapstick, wringing every last ounce of desperation out of an idea. If your band is as ugly as BFF, lots of close-ups are a BAD IDEA. Still, how about that line dancing thing, huh?


Romeo – Shine

This may well be the most rubbish attempt at showing off ever. Romeo and three of his friends (you see? Already it sounds like a bowling alley advertising that it is available for birthday parties) stand next to a car. In a park. Later, a girl turns up to rub herself over the car. Sometimes Romeo sits behind the wheel of the car. Doesn’t drive it, just sits there. Romeo’s mates hold up their jewellery. When they get bored of that, they continue to hold up their jewellery. Truly, it’s about as hardcore as Brian Harvey.
[William B. Swygart]


By: Dom Passantino
Published on: 2006-07-27
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