The Singles Jukebox
We’re All Dead Austro-Hungarians Now



album Chart Notes: Dido’s #1, new entries for Alistair Griffin (#12) and The Best of Tears For Fears (#6). Are you thrilled? Are you? Are you sure? (Kelis just misses the top 20, Tasty entering at #21)

New Entries Outside The Top 20: The Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster #25 (like they’ve never been gone, running-up-down-escalator style indie-thrashing nicking breathing noises off ‘I’m Not In Love’ for a few seconds, great as always); Stacie Orrico #22 (limp but fairly amiable ‘R ‘n’ B’ ‘ballad’. Goes on a bit, though); and Amy Studt #21 (Amy Studt covers ‘All I Wanna Do’, does not make top 20, goes away forever. Two down, one to go…)

THE UK TOP 20 – AI AI AI AI AI, WE GONNA DIE-IE-IE-IE-IE, BUT AT LEAST WE WON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO “LADIES NIGHT” AGAIN

20) ALISTAIR GRIFFIN – Bring It On

“Lose your mind and jump around.” To Alistair Griffin. You are having a laugh, yes?

19) SUGABABES – Too Lost In You

Am now starting to think this sounds like a car advert. For Lexus, maybe, or upmarket Vauxhall. Something that’s silver and sheeny, anyway.

18) ULTRABEAT – Feelin’ Fine

Advert for Butlins, or Haven, or maybe Hoseasons at a push. Ride the log flume! Flashing Lights! The Fast Food Rockers! Volleyball! Large furry tigers! Prestatyn! Whoo!

17) BASEMENT JAXX – Good Luck

“Is life just a playground… someone’ll always look out for you.” Evidently playgrounds in Camberwell are significantly different to those in Croydon. The one at the school I went to, anyway. Other than that, a good song.

16) MOTORCYCLE – As The Rush Comes

Apparently the singer is called Jess, and isn’t Roxanne Wilde after all. Massive difference… or not. Because this is still rubbish.

There are practically sod all singles next week that will go top 20. So I’m going to have to listen to this and Ultrabeat and everything again…

15) HIM – Funeral Of Hearts (NEW ENTRY)

Perhaps not this, though, but maybe. Finnish Goths His Infernal Majesty outsell Amy Studt. Breathe, giggle, stop. This sounds like A-Ha if they were on the Buffy soundtrack, and as such is obviously the best thing in the top 20 thus far. And given the top 20’s recent track record, probably the best thing in the top 20 for a little while.

14) VICTORIA BECKHAM – This Groove/Let Your Head Go

See?

13) LIBERTY X – Everybody Cries (NEW ENTRY)

The record I feel most sorry for in this week’s chart, probably.

a) This is a fairly obvious rip-off of ‘Everybody Hurts’.

b) The video man was obviously short of ideas so he decided, “Right, gloomy… they walk down abandoned rail-track. Things fall from sky. End of video they stand by the platform, and… a car falls from the sky and hits the ground behind them. Yeah.”

c) They then get castigated for encouraging youth to walk down abandoned rail tracks.

d) This song really isn’t that bad – like the Sugababes single, but better.

e) It’s missed the top 10, thus leaving them in distinct peril of getting dropped and splitting and such.

f) Which isn’t fair, really.

12) WILL YOUNG – Leave Right Now

Still half-decent. Still can’t get excited about it either.

11) BEYONCE – Me, Myself & I (NEW ENTRY)

Beyonce! Outside top 10! ARE ANDROIDS DEAD? Anyway, this has no discernible chorus or hook or beat or point or anything. Beyonce castigates man for… something. It sounds like Brandy on an off-day, recorded in ten minutes in a portakabin on the set of Moesha. But more rubbish.

10) BLACK EYED PEAS – Shut Up

“Changing up your livin’ for a lovin’ transition.” What? Anyway, Fluxblog has a very nice solo tune by Will.I.Am out of the Black Eyed Peas. Honest. Even Wyclef did decent solo stuff. Well, ‘Gone Till November’, anyway.

9) OUTKAST – Hey Ya!

Best noise in ‘Hey Ya!’ This week– “nothing at Aw-uh-aw-uh-aw-uh-aw-uh-awlll…” some things don’t get old. Most of the songs in the top 20 this week did quite a while ago, though, so this is sounding dead sweet this evening.

8) 2PLAY ft. RAGHAV & JUCXI – So Confused (NEW ENTRY)

The Asian music invasion continues, despite Nihal off Bobby & Nihal saying earlier this week that he couldn’t remember the last time a French act made top 5 in order to illustrate the boom in Asian music. Er, how about Stardust, Spacedust, Modjo, Daft Punk, and probably some others? Hmm? Anyway, enough of that. This is my first listen to this, and it is dead, dead nice – sort of like Wee Kev, but a bit more early-90’s sounding, if that makes sense. Nice piano-tinkling, shifting bassline stuff, slightly high-pitched vocals over the top, and with continued listens and more attention paid to it by me, I’d imagine I’ll grow to really love it. Good stuff.

7) SEAN PAUL ft. SASHA – I’m Still In Love With You

More piano. More bass. With added Sean-eh Paul. We’re on a bloody lovely run right here, I’m tellin’ ya… so obviously it’ll be the Osbournes next.

6) OZZY & KELLY OSBOURNE – Changes

Dom Passantino supports Northampton Town FC, who this week beat Rotherham 2-1 to get through to the fourth round of the FA Cup. There, they will play Manchester United. To commemorate this, he has asked that I include a picture of popular Northampton Town striker Derek Asamoah. Saves me writing about or listening to this again, so here’s Derek:



5) BOOGIE PIMPS – Somebody To Love

I still can’t work out why I thought this sounded like ‘pans’. It’s better than pans, it’s… sort of like the vocals filtered through those cheapo whirly pipes kids enjoy playing with for about five minutes, the ones if you talk through them make you sound like a martian might sound if you knew what they sounded like. There’s bass chugs, reverb sounds, everything everywhere all-at-fricking-once and it’s the best thing Germany has done in the field of chooniness this year.

4) MICHAEL ANDREWS ft. GARY JULES – Mad World

One day I’ll appreciate this. So long as it isn’t played immediately after Boogie Pimps or any other tune it isn’t as good as.

3) FRANZ FERDINAND – Take Me Out (NEW ENTRY)

This Is Great. This Is Great Because:

a) I saw Franz Ferdinand play a few weeks ago as support to Belle & Sebastian.

b) They weren’t very good.

c) This particularly was overlong and deeply boring.

d) However, in the context of the radio, this ROCKS BELLS.

e) BASS. BASS. BASS. STOMP. STOMP. STOMP.

f) The intro, which the radio has curiously cut off, sounds like the Strokes but better. Better how? Dunno. But just better.

g) You remember how those anonymous house acts in the early 90’s had to make deeply odd videos with weird imagery in them to disguise the fact that they were all made by the same two people, both of whom were ugly sods (see: Usura)? This is sort of like that, in that the video is basically lots of cut outs of old illustrations of things (machinery, legs, bare-knuckle boxers, possibly dogs), moving in time to the STOMP. STOMP. STOMP. Zooming in and out ant odd angles, and all shot in brown, orange and white.

h) Except it also features the band playing, and their guitarist is called Nick McCarthy and he does this really awkward little shuffle-cum dance, where he puts his left leg in, then puts his left leg out, then puts his right leg in, then puts his right leg out, sort of like the hokey-cokey but with a guitar, and he is just generally really really cute:



i) He’s on the left.

j) Their avowed intention is to make music for people to dance to, and that’s exactly what ‘Take Me Out’ is. This does sound a bit like ‘Around The World’ by Daft Punk, perhaps, or something a bit sort of electroclash-ish, but played by an indie band from Glasgow. Sort of like what Faithless think they do but great and not rubbish.

k) Franz Ferdinand are signed to Domino Records. Go over to their website and see if you can work out where the label’s next top 40 single is coming from.

l) Their album will probably be well disappointing and in a month’s time I will claim that I always hated them.

m) But we’ll always have today, the day they outsold Beyonce and Amy Studt, and I laughed, so, damn, hard.

2) KELIS – Milkshake

Up one this week. If it could do the same next week, I would be very happy, because it’s still number one, it’s –

1) MICHELLE – All This Time

And it’s still bloody awful. There is nothing out next week, seriously. We’ll be lucky to have one new entry in the top 20. Still, the Scissor Sisters have a single out. Why not buy that? It is very good, you know. And then the week after, there is tons of stuff… but next week, it’s Maroon 5 & The Offspring. Whoop-de-do.


By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2004-01-19
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