The Singles Jukebox
UK Chart Prediction League: Week 001



it takes a certain American arrogance to think to go into a country, tell someone that they don’t know how to do things and then go ahead and try to prove their superiority. Or did we only learn that from our former colonizers? Either way, we at Stylus decided to put it to the test and pit United States vs. United Kingdom in a friendly competition: predicting the UK Pop Chart each week for the next six months. Each team has four members (the UK (Scott McKeating, Dom Passantino, William Swygart and Simon Hampson (SilverDollarCircle)) and the US (John Brandt, Todd Burns, Gavin Mueller and Scott Plagenhoef (Pitchfork)) and the column will feature one person, each week, detailing their individual picks.

The Points System

For each correct pick, the contestant receives points. The points system is, as follows: 10 points = 1, 9 points = 2, 8 points = 3, 7 points = 4, 6 points = 5, 5 points = 6, 4 points = 7, 3 points = 8, 2 points = 9, 1 point = 10.

There will be both an individual and team winner of the competition. Each week, we will update the scores to keep careful track of where everyone stands.

The contest will conclude with the chart of August 8th.

Without further ado—the picks.

WEEK ONE

United Kingdom
Dom Passantino

1. Blazing Squad- Here 4 One
What…the…fuck??? What have you done with Blazin’ Squad? I thought they were a pasty-faced, Kappa’d up pussy-assed shitty-rap band covering attempt at creating a boyband So Solid, except even worse. No. Apparently not. Instead, they’ve just turned out this tune, which sounds like Fatman Scoop driving a steamroller over your head. It’s brilliant. It’s the most unexpectedly great thing I’ve heard in ages. Blazin’ Squad have just put out one of the best singles of the year. And, with their fanbase behind them (still the boyband of choice for girls who find Westlife too dull and Busted too white), this could be the first of the franchise number ones of the year.

2. Kelis – Milkshake
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. I’m predicting a fourth week in the top three for Nas’ missus, during which she’ll have been beaten by three separate number ones. It’s not a number one single, anyway—it’s too knowingly “challenging”, and, let’s be honest here, it’s fucking shit. Pharrell finds a new button on the mixing table, the sound of someone trying to attract Basil Fawlty’s attention every ten seconds, and, well, SONGS THAT TRY TO INTRODUCE CATCHWORDS INTO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ARE ALL SHIT. Fact. That bukake video isn’t really endearing her too me either. Plus I like drinking upstairs at branches of Lloyd’s after 11pm on summer nights. This song is going to be on in there completely, isn’t it?

3. LMC vs. U2 – Take Me To The Clouds Above
Can you say “transitional number one”, kiddies? Almost as much a tradition as the novelty guitar number one from January, it’s the soon-to-be forgotten crossover dance hit number one from January (qf: Tomcraft.. They never last for more than a week, though, and this would never have tasted number one status in a week with strong competition. Eminently forgettable, really, probably struck into the charts thanks to local radio airplay, specifically post 11pm request shows, which saw XTM and DJ Chucky featuring Ana spend 14 decades in the charts last year.

4. Michelle McManus – All This Time
Oh god, this really is dreadful. Pop Idol winner Michelle may be Simon Cowell’s attempt to crack the Radio 2 sophisto-pop market, but this is basically an All Saints track performed by someone with neither the vocal ability nor personality to carry it off. Sam and Mark from the same show have been thrown together as a modern day attempt at Robson and Jerome (expect lots of radio friendly early 60s covers and vaguely homoerotic videos). Three more weeks in the top ten, and then it’s going to be a slow fall down the charts for our Michelle. Good.

5. Funeral For A Friend- Escape Artists Never Die
FOAF follow-up last year’s top 20 single with this rocking the shopping mall attempt. Much loved by skateboarders, and that’s whose buying records nowadays. Also, the combined readership of the NME and Kerrang these days is about 140,000, and it takes about 6,000 sales to have a top 20 single. You do the maths. Power-pop drone, perhaps. Excreable at any length.

6. Outkast – Hey Ya!
Beautiful. Just beautiful. 11 weeks in the chart now, so it’s lining itself up for the “In Da Club” run, and could well outlast the bullet-ridden mumbler. Deservedly so.

7. Boogie Pimps – Somebody To Love
You see, dance music can not be dead, it just needs someone to pull their fucking finger out every now and then. And sample Jefferson Starship. And bring back those bits where the song goes underwater. Equally at home on Radio 1 or local-affiliates, club friendly, remix friendly, and, heck, it’s great. No reason why it shouldn’t see another month’s chart action.

8. Snow Patrol – Run
As others have noted, this year’s bizzaro chart entry. Former Jeepster no-hopers get picked up by major label, and be it by either the need for a new Travis, or Colin Murray’s endorsement, or a massive buy-in operation, it seems strong for a second week in the top 10, especially with the album being re-released this Monday. Sounds like the Cranberries crossed with Matchbox 20, truth be told.

9. Emma– I’ll Be There
Second week in the top 10 for this inoffensive-but-not-as-great-as-everyone-tells-us piece of Glamour pop, methinks. Nobody mentions the Spice Girls anymore, really, which is doing Emma a world of good. She’ll never be a Robbie Williams, but she’ll never be an Andrew Ridgely either. Maybe Abs.

10. The Stranglers- Big Thing Coming
OMG WTF LOL!!!!!!!1111111 Wild card pick here. I have no reason to believe that this will be in the top 10, and the fact that I still haven’t heard it, or can find it for download, should lead to me believe that it’ll probably chart around 43. However… #1 pre-order single in the UK at the moment, and fanbase bands do exist (Iron Maiden and Blondie are top 10 single locks nowadays thanks to those), can the men in black manage it? We’ll see.

Simon Hampson

1. Lmc vs. U2 – Take Me to the Clouds Above
2. Blazin' Squad - Here 4 One
3. Pink - God is a DJ
4. Michelle McManus– All This Time
5. Kelis - Milkshake
6. Snow Patrol - Run
7. Obie Trice - The Set Up
8. Timbaland + Magoo Feat. Missy Elliot - Cop that Disc!
9. Lost Prophets - Last Train Home
10. Emma Bunton – I’ll Be There

Scott McKeating

1. LMC Vs U2 - Take Me To The Clouds Above
2. Blazin Squad - Here 4 One
3. Kelis – Milkshake
4. Outkast - Hey Ya!
5. Emma Bunton - I'll Be There
6. Joss Stone - Fell In Love With A Boy
7. Pink - God is a DJ
8. Boogie Pimps - Somebody To Love
9. Michelle McManus - All This Time
10. Love Inc - Into The Night

William B. Swygart

1. Blazin’ Squad – Here 4 One
2. LMC vs. U2 – Take Me To The Clouds Above
3. Kelis - Milkshake
4. Outkast – Hey Ya!
5. Von Bondies – C’Mon C’Mon
6. Michelle – All This Time
7. Funeral For A Friend- Escape Artists Never Die
8. Snow Patrol - Run
9. Boogie Pimps – Somebody to Love
10. Emma Bunton – I’ll Be There


United States
John Brandt

1. Kelis - Milkshake
2. OutKast - Hey Ya!
3. Snow Patrol - Run
4. Emma Bunton - I’ll Be There
5. Blazin’ Squad - Here 4 One
6. Lostprophets - The Last Train Home
7. Joss Stone - Fell in Love with a Boy
8. Boogie Pimps - Somebody to Love
9. Timbaland & Magoo Feat. Missy Elliott - Cop That Disc!
10. Sean Paul feat. Sasha - I’m Still in Love with You

Todd Burns

1. LMC Vs U2 - Take Me to the Clouds Above
2. Kelis – Milkshake
3. Blazin’ Squad – Here 4 One
4. Michelle McManus – All This Time
5. Snow Patrol – Run
6. Outkast – Hey Ya!
7. Boogie Pimps – Somebody to Love
8. Emma Bunton – I’ll Be There
9. LostProphets – Last Train Home
10. 2Play ft. Raghav & Jucxi – So Confused

Gavin Mueller

1. Kelis - Milkshake
2. Outkast - Hey Ya!
3. Lmc Vs. U2 - Take Me to the Clouds Above
4. Emma Bunton - I'll Be There
5. Michelle Mcmanus - All This Time
6. Boogie Pimps - Somebody to Love
7. Snow Patrol - Run
8. Lost Prophets - Last Train Home
9. Sean Paul - I'm Still in Love With You
10. Pink - God Is A DJ

Scott Plagenhoef

1. LMC Vs U2 - Take Me to the Clouds Above
2. Blazin_ Squad - Here 4 One
3. Funeral For a Friend - Escape Artists Never Die
4. Kelis - Milkshake
5. Outkast - Hey Ya!
6. Michelle - All This Time
7. Snow Patrol - Run
8. Boogie Pimps - Somebody to Love
9. Von Bondies – C’Mon C’Mon
10. Lil’ Jon & the Eastside Boyz - Get Low


By: Stylus Staff
Published on: 2004-02-06
Comments (1)
 

 
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