The Singles Jukebox
Tinkle-House - House Of Tinkle!



album Chart Notes: Roy Orbison collection new at #16. Zutons up 20 to #15. 8701, one of Usher's old albums, finds itself up 10 at #14 through no fault of its own. And Busted's album is up 18 at #13. Is there a sale on or summat?

Anyway, RHCP are still #1.

They play a jingle wherein Beenie Man bigs up the Official Chart Show. Now that, my friends, that is timing.

New Entries Outside The Top 20: Angie Stone ft. Snoop Dogg #31 (the realisation that this week's chart is going to be stunningly rubbish, even more so than last week, hits me about now. It's not got much or, indeed, anything to do with this song, mind, just a rather shitty piece of timing. Erm, Angie gets some old style funk bass. She sings a bit. Snoop then tells his girl that he likes her. Everything is apparently gangsta. And there's me thinking it sounds a bit like Rose Royce. Oh well); The Departure #30 (Franz Ferdinand without the funk); and Switchfoot #29 (from the soundtrack to Spiderman 2. "Dreaming about providence and whether mice and men get second chances." Ponce).

THE UK TOP 20: BORING, THROUGH ROCK

20) JENNIFER ELLISON – Bye Bye Boy

Fuck off. Five new entries. The music industry is doing its thing of alternating fortnights chocka with new stuff and then fortnights of roughly fuck-all. I am 'in a bit of a mood'.

19) McFLY – Obviously

I dream of having the ability to curl a football properly, digging the outside of the right foot in under the ball while leaning backwards, ball rises in the air and arcs outwards then curls back in and off the head of some unsuspecting nerk into the net. He runs off to celebrate. I stand on the touchline looking smug.

Which has nothing to do with this. Saw their new video. Bit meh.

18) SHAZNAY LEWIS – Never Felt Like This Before

Let's have a picture.



Swedish reggae band, apparently. I typed 'Baah' into Google, that was what I got. Learn me, eh?

17) DT8 – The Sun Is Shining (Down On Me) (NEW ENTRY)

Perfectly acceptable uppy house, faded vocal with nice piano-house dashes here and there. I can't remember it much, though, which isn't good considering it finished about thirty seconds ago. Needed a bit of oomph and character—all dead sunny and nice while you're listening to it, but a touch lacking somehow.

16) MARIO WINANS ft. P DIDDY & ENYA – I Don't Wanna Know

Need a drink, back in a minute.

There is an incessantly-bigged-up competition to win tickets to the premiere of The Chronicles Of Riddick and its aftershow party. Why? What for? What in the name of shite has Vin Diesel going "Ooh, I'm Riddick, look at my big manly chronicles" got to do with the chart? Every week they boast about not having adverts, or waffle… dear me. Does having these competitions actually improve the chart show in anyone's eyes in any way at all?

15) JAMELIA – See It In A Boy's Eyes

Actually rather liking this now, having been fairly indifferent recently. The piano riff is very nice.

14) STELLAR PROJECT – Get Up Stand Up (NEW ENTRY)

Crikey—very nice piece of scuffed-up tinkle-house (i.e. house tune that occasionally features a tinkling noise and sounds like it's being played off a twice-taped-over cassette). Basically it's a three minute stretch of thumping synth bass while a reasonably anonymous female vocal does some fairly ineffectual chorus stuff accompanied by the tinkling noise. But it's a really, really good tinkling noise. There's also some kind of synth guitar solo lobbed in the mix somewhere. I like it, anyway.

13) NINA SKY – Move Ya Body

Oh, I've really no fucking idea what to put here now. The whole getting drink/trying to remember what Stellar Project sounded like/going to the loo thing has set me out a bit. Still, possibly first time in a while that two acts that could also conceivably be the names of racehorses get juxtaposed in the top twenty.

12) BRITNEY SPEARS – Everytime

Unless you count The Departure and Switchfoot. But The Departure would be a rubbish name for a horse.

11) USHER – Burn

They aren't much cop as a band, either. I was thinking I'd been harsh to them earlier, but I hadn't. I am trying really, really hard to remember what that song sounded like, but all I can remember is something like "This dance is just for tonight" and some bits that sounded like they'd been nicked off The Rapture or !!! or someone. Dancing doesn't work that way, not when you put together the components of what should work. It's hollow and not fun and, well, Franz Ferdinand without the funk. Though if they have the funk, I'm not quite sure in what capacity. Hmm. I like their singles.

10) O-ZONE – Dragostea Din Tei

Still not on Top Of The Pops or CD:UK or whatever. Actually on TOTP this week were Southall's mates Embrace, doing a quite nice song that Coldplay feller wrote. Danny McNamara's voice feels like it's really come on somehow, like he has suddenly become far more confident. And at the end, he said "Thank you Top of The Pops, for putting Embrace back on the map!" Bless. It didn't even sound like he'd been put up to it by a despairing producer in the face of sliding ratings and all-round shitness either.

9) J-KWON – Tipsy

And on CD:UK, it was an exclusive of Bryan McFadden's new video. He used to be the most noticeably fat member of Westlife, till he left last year to spend more time with his wife and kids. His song is entitled 'Real To Me'. It's about him being happier now he's not in Westlife and can spend more time with his wife and kids. This is illustrated via the art of 'the double', whereby Bryan is in a suit and sunglasses and hat and looking to all intents and purposes a bit like Mario Cipollini while being shunted about in the popstar manner, but he has his double as he is now, in a parka and jeans and slightly unshaven. Bryan-In-A-Suit gazes in wonder. "Bugger me sideways, that bastardy gobshite's fucking wearing a sodding parka… shit, man, what in the feck am I cunting well missing? Yeh bollix." Because he's a bloody bloke. This is further illustrated by a rousing bit towards the end where he sings about sitting in the garden "Drinking English tea", and then another line then "and WATCH FOOOTBAAALL ON TEEEVEEE!!!" You'll laugh again. You'll cry again. You'll hurl again.

8) ANA JOHNSSON – We Are (NEW ENTRY)

Second slice of Spiderman 2 soundtrack pie this week after Switchfoot, and yet it's just as dim as they were. Ana rails at people "Sitting on their picket fences" like Courtney Love on paracetamol. In the background, rock-like clunkery-ploddery. Lasts too long and goes too slow.

7) RACHEL STEVENS – Some Girls

Unfortunately set to be altogether somewhat overshadowed by Annie (From Norway)'s single, 'Chewing Gum', which is also Richard X but somewhat weirder and somewhat better. Especially the spoken word bits. Rachel tries that bit too hard, somehow.

6) D12 – How Come

Taking Sides – "You got a phone. Pick it up." vs. 'You've Got My Number (Why Don't You Use It!)' by The Undertones. Actually, I can't remember how the Undertones tune goes, so it basically wins by default. Next week – "There's a look of resentment, and I don't like it" vs. 'Better Watch Out' by The Cult Of Ant & Dec.

5) AVRIL LAVIGNE – My Happy Ending (NEW ENTRY)

Now, unlike Ana Johnsson, there's something weirdly enjoyable about Avwiw and her misguided sulkery. Ana's just dull, and doesn't have lines anywhere near as good as "Let's talk this over/It's not like we're dead." Avril sulks at man. "All this time you were pretending/SO-MUCH-FOR-MY-HAPP-Y-END-ING!!!" Actually, that's probably how it would sound if Clinic did it. I'd quite like to hear that. The guitars here are really quite light and non-sludgy, somehow, and it does go on a while but in a thoroughly enjoyable sort of a manner. You wouldn't tell Avril it was enjoyable, obviously, because then she'd… actually, I'm not really sure what she'd do. But she probably knows people who know people, so let's just agree that it's not a very good idea and leave it at that.

4) ANASTACIA – Sick And Tired (NEW ENTRY)

And bugger me if Anastacia hasn't somehow stumbled across a single I don't have to try and con myself into liking via repeated exposure over twenty-three monthly instalments. No, this is actually really rather good all on its lonesome, because someone's had a very good idea—turn down the squawking so it sort of becomes a rather disorienting rippling noise. Then they have another idea, involving lobbing in a sample that I'm presuming is Punjabi though I'm really not sure, of a man burbling something. Then back to Anastacia mumbling. It's not a power ballad, or a piano ballad, just this steady run of… thing. It's all rather odd but in a fairly subtle way, and is very good at it. I don't know what I'm on about. Well guessed.

3) SHAPESHIFTERS – Lola's Theme

And we turn up the volume, shut the curtains, and we're away. Whoo!

2) THE STREETS – Dry Your Eyes

Then we sit back down and sigh a bit and reflect that bloody 3 Of A Kind will be #1 next week.

1) BUSTED – Thunderbirds Are Go/3AM

And in that context, this one sounds just peachy. It seems that pop groups everywhere are learning the joys of Not Being Able To Make Out The Vocals Because There's Too Much Else Going On. The strings and trumpet are more than strings and trumpet, they're properly bloody hyper, and poor little Busted and their squally voices and gurning faces sound utterly lost amidst it all. Pity, eh? Though I can always make out the bit where he goes "I-uh-lund", and I keep thinking Kevin Rowland will come in with "Back where ah came frawwwwm…"

But he never does. That really is a pity…



By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2004-08-09
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