The Singles Jukebox
Start As You Mean To Go On



album Chart Notes: So, we’re back in after XMAS and New Year, and… Dido’s first album re-enters at number 9. I love the winter sales effect.

Here’s ‘Where Is The Love?’ again. Jesus.

And first #1 album of the year is Will Young. They play the title track from ‘Friday’s Child’… and unexpectedly, it is bloody ace. No, seriously. Slightly overblown FM-soul, and his voice sounds superb on it. Apparently it is very long, though, so chance of being a single is small, but this song is very good.

New Entries Outside The Top 20: Ocean Colour Scene #40 (OCS go a bit like Coldplay, but Simon Fowler has a better voice than Chris Martin. This song goes on far too long, though. And has somewhere in the region of no structure or point at all); Jaydee #35 (Dutch or Belgian house or trance or something); and DMX #34 (like his last two singles but worse).

THE UK TOP 20 – MY LIFE GOT COLD, COS I’M WEARING THE WRONG SOCKS

20) EVANESCENCE – My Immortal

Yes. Hello. End-of-year thing got postponed from last week, but it’s up as a full article tomorrow/now, depending upon when and where you are reading this. Elevated cos it’s that damn good/long, depending upon how I’m feeling at this particular moment. Currently – ‘freezing’.

And we’re back, and it’s Evanescence heralding four new entries. Quiet week, biggest release being Victoria Beckham/Posh Spice’s comeback single, one side of which is quite good, the other of which is quite rubbish. Have a guess which one Wes will be spinning later.

Mmm-hmm.

19) KEVIN LYTTLE – Turn Me On

Whey! Wee Kev In ‘Back’ Shocker, Sort Of! His debut album, if I’ve got the info off Amazon right, is entitled Turn Me On: Sex Ways. Go Wee Kev!

18) THE IDOLS – Happy Xmas (War Is Over)

A quiet week, this drops 11. Michelle, what won Pop Idol, releases her debut single tomorrow. It is rubbish. Big question – will it get to #1? Alex Parks didn’t, but Pop Idol has always been much bigger than Fame Academy, and unless I’m wrong the main challenger is probably Kelis. Still, though, there may be certain records by certain people with certain flat caps that might have something to say… hmm.

17) GIRLS ALOUD – Jump

Though looking at it, the Boogie Pimps single might challenge a bit too, and I quite like that. The Basement Jaxx single also slots neatly into the ‘good’ bracket if I remember rightly… it might be interesting next week. Not this week, though. No. This week, I’m near frostbite. Huzzidge. Still liking this though. By which I mean Girls Aloud and not being really cold, obviously.

16) BLUE ft. STEVIE WONDER & ANGIE STONE – Signed, Sealed, Delivered

Right, not liking anything now.

Apart from the fact that Sophie Ellis Bextor has apparently covered ‘Yes Sir, I Can Boogie!’ Rock! Right, let’s get hunting that down…

15) SUGABABES – Too Lost In You

Or maybe not. Bugger.

Still, hunting for the original version reveals I can get it as a MIDI file. Perhaps I will build a webpage and put that in the background without any option to turn it off. That will be a very good idea, yes.

14) OUTKAST – Hey Ya

Wes sounds surprised this has been on the chart for two months. Pah. Wee Kev has been on for three. He’ll probably be deleted next week, then. Hmm.

I’m not on form this week. Apologies. The new entries will be along in a bit, though, maybe. Including Alistair from Fame Academy! Who could fail to be excited by that! Except me! Obviously!

13) ULTRABEAT – Feeling Fine

They’re releasing an album. Hmm.

12) BO SELECTA! – Proper Crim-bo!

Hooray, have found Sophie Ellis-Bexhill-On-Sea doing ‘Yes Sir I Can Boogie’! Just haven’t got all of it yet. And as such had to listen to the ‘Michael Jackson’ verse of this. Which was fucking appalling. And am now having to listen to the rest of the song, which isn’t as bad but is still arse.

11) S CLUB 8 – Don’t Tell Me You’re Sorry (NEW ENTRY)

Oh no. The boys’ voices have dropped, so now they’re all singing in the ‘Timberlake Falsetto’. Pointless use of Xmas xylophone… other than that, alright. Bassline reminds me of The Real Ghostbusters, not sure why. Would be better if done by someone else, though. Not sure who.

Oh dear – one of the boys sings “Come on dance with me!”, then goes “Whoo!” Just like Justin. Someone then ropes in Black Lace to provide a keyboard riff. Help.

10) ATOMIC KITTEN – Ladies Night

By contrast, throughout this song Natasha Hamilton yells “C’mon Girls!” like… well, Lisa Rogers, probably. The effect is equally depressing, though.

9) SOPHIE ELLIS-BEXTOR – I Won’t Change You (NEW ENTRY)

The lyrics make my teeth grind. “I’ll still change my underwear if that’s OK with you.” Nyerrrgh… “In sickness and in health, baby, always be yourself.” NYERRRGH! NYERRRGH! NYERRRGH! Wrong choice of single. The record label will choose something decent for the next single then forget to promote it and it gets to #37 and she gets dropped. Wrong. This is middling-to-naff, but the album is honestly very good. Honest. Really.

8) SHANE RICHIE – I’m Your Man

No you aren’t.

Isn’t wittiness great? Gimme a cravat, I’m the new Oscar Wilde…

7) THE DARKNESS – Christmas Time (Don’t Let The Bells End)

As usual, been informed that we’re having dinner in a minute. Unlike other weeks, I think I might be able to cope with missing the tension.

6) WILL YOUNG – Leave Right Now

Dinner was lovely. Pasta bake, and large clods of it. Nice n’ warm. Yummles.

5) ALISTAIR GRIFFIN – Bring It On (NEW ENTRY)

I did miss this, though, which means I’m having to download it now. I saw the video the other day. It was shit. It had him performing in an empty social club, then WHOOMPH! He is A Famous! And Rocking Out, like… David Sneddon. And now, here’s the song. He is Rocking Out… no, I don’t need to finish that sentence. It’s shit, anyway.

4) BLACK EYED PEAS – Shut Up

Fuck, but I need a piss.

3) VICTORIA BECKHAM – This Groove/Let Your Head Go (NEW ENTRY)

Can’t remember exactly how ‘Let Your Head Go’ went, but it was quite light hearted and bit sort of Girls Aloud-sparky and good generally. Wes doesn’t want to give you that, cos here’s ‘This Groove’, which, as exclusively revealed by me the other week, I think sounds like Clea but worse, and that means a fucking horrid attempt at R&B. Wes is wrong. Chuff.

2) OZZY & KELLY OSBOURNE – Changes

I was thinking you could bootleg this. That would need for you to find a song this slow, though. So obviously it wouldn’t work. There’s probably been a shit pub-house remix of this though, which is a quite frightening prospect really.

1) MICHAEL ANDREWS ft. GARY JULES – Mad World

#1 again. But will it hold off her from Pop Idol next week? Intriguing… and there’s not much more to say. Soz to have wasted your time in such a fashion, but it’ll be better next week. P’raps. The Basement Jaxx thing is quite good anyway.


By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2004-01-05
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