The Singles Jukebox
Some Maudlin Shite vs. Some Other Maudlin Shite: Who Wins?

album Chart Notes: Outkast #19, ‘Roses’ is played. It’s not particularly great. Phil Collins 3CD ‘Platinum Collection’ set #18. Nothing played there. Good. Jet, however, climb to #14, and so ‘Are You Gonna Be My Girl’ gets played out again in case people haven’t heard it enough. No-one likes you. Please stop caring. Scissor Sisters #8, ‘Comfortably Numb’ is played out. Wes announces that it will be a ‘major dilemma’ at Glastonbury because they play at the same time as Keane. Er, no. Incidentally, the Scissor Sisters have been in the top 10 albums for a very long time now. Someone seems to want to make them famous. This is simultaneously quite heartening and also ever-so-slightly confusing—remembering back when ‘Comfortably Numb’ came out at the start of the year, I didn’t think it’d go top 40. I just hope they don’t go all dull and stuff—the album’s lovely, but the demo songs were just a bit better, somehow, a bit more interesting. ‘Music Is The Victim’ was much better when it had Ana Matronic declaring “I think I’m gonna do the poh-nay!” in the middle of it. And ‘Electrobix’ over ‘Take Your Mama Out’ in a heartbeat, or ‘Someone To Touch’ instead of ‘Lovers In The Backseat’… oh, and if anyone can explain why the British record-playing media were so convinced that ‘Take Your Mama Out’ was ‘disco’… actually, I’m not especially fussed.

The Corrs new at #2 (‘Summer Sunshine’ is played, which is nice for it, presumably), and Keane go back to #1. ‘Everybody’s Changing’ is played. Which Is Quite Nice.

New Entries Outside The Top 20: Thirteen Senses #38 (It’s the new Puressence! Not that that’s a bad thing, it’s just not as much of a good thing as it would like to think it is); Stacie Orrico #34 (a Janet Jackson song with Stacie instead of Janet on vocals, which can only be a bonus from where I’m sitting); Evanescence #24 (A bit off the boil, as Amy tries to be sarcastic at ‘falseness’. As those who saw her witty retort to 50 Cent at the Grammies may be aware, Amy might have quality arrangements to spare, but she’s not very good at laying the diss); and D-Side #21 (they attempt to rip off ‘Push It’, but without the ‘reeeeal good’ bit, which leaves it all sounding ever so slightly bobbins and thus fitting in perfectly with the rest of their singles).


20) THE CORRS – Summer Sunshine

They played this earlier. It remains so-so.

19) THE RASMUS – In The Shadows

God, but the charts have been shit this year. The Rasmus have now been in the to twenty for a good two months. It is getting very old, very quickly. Can whoever it is that Rasmus-man does not want to become the slave of just give him a job and then if he complains give a lecture on actual proper slavery, and if he keeps on whinging, then just slap the fucker, yeah?

18) KRISTIAN LEONTIOU – Story Of My Life

Oh, and this chart represents my one-year anniversary of doing these things for Stylus. I did indeed do this on ILM for a bit beforehand, but that was a touch intermittent, and I’ve forgotten when I started doing them there. I think Room 5 were #1.

17) V – Blood, Sweat and Tears

I’m celebrating this by deciding that V really aren’t as good as people say they are. Not even close, actually. “I am just a guy/And you are just a girl/And all I know is that I wanna rock your world.” Piss off.

16) MAROON 5 – This Love

Oh, and multi-tasking vis-à-vis typing up stuff for my mum. We have a laugh, we do. This time last year, Evanescence were knocking R Kelly off number one. This year, it’s Mario Winans and Frankee. Incidentally, up to this point last year the top 20 was:

20) IIO – In The End (NEW ENTRY)
19) RADIOHEAD – There There
18) TOMCRAFT – Loneliness
17) GIRLS ALOUD – No Good Advice
16) 50 CENT – In Da Club

Do I really need to say I’d take any of them in a heartbeat right now?

15) EMMA BUNTON – Crickets Sing For Anamaria (NEW ENTRY)
2003: ABS – Stop Sign

Actually, I’d take this too. Bunton’s back and she’s gone samba in an impossibly catchy manner, covering Astrud Gilberto over admittedly somewhat plastic backing (mit Question Of Sport whistle effects and everything!). The plastic is fantastic, mind, as Bunton chatters far too excitably about “the normal thing/We make a lahda love!!!” Totally fluffy and insubstantial, and to cuss it for that is to miss the point entirely. God bless her.

14) POP! – Heaven and Earth (NEW ENTRY)
2003: MELANIE C – On The Horizon (NEW ENTRY)

The new Steps, but worse, and featuring Flip & Fill on advisory duties. This isn’t ‘Tragedy’, but it’s a bit better than ‘5-6-7-8’. Then again, Steps were being marketed as a novelty line-dancing act at the time, and then they came out with ‘One For Sorrow’, which was and is bloody amazing. Perhaps they still have a shout.


Yes, it was only this time last year that Mazzer was proclaiming that his song was “better than a SEX-SCENE!” The difference being that this is looking to be roughly equivalent to one.

2003: BIG BROVAZ – Favourite Things

Non-awful rock ballading, and certainly one hell of a lot better than Big Brovaz ever were. However, I’ve totally forgotten what it sounds like because of the next song, which is a bit of a problem because the next song is:

11) 411 ft. GHOSTFACE KILLAH – On My Knees
2003: EMMA BUNTON – Free Me

I have a certain amount of times I can listen to certain songs before thinking I don’t ever want to hear them again. The 411 reached this limit on Tuesday evening, walking home past some teenagers perched like crows on a bench. That was when I realised that really, this lot may be able to sing (though they don’t actually appear to do any singing here) but their lyrics are really quite staggeringly terrible. “I remember how we met/It was on the train/How could I forget?” And then she giggles like she’s said something really clever. NO.

10) THE FARM – All Together Now 2004 (NEW ENTRY)
2003: ONE TRUE VOICE – Shakespeare’s (Way With) Words (NEW ENTRY)

Early 90’s baggy hit gets re-released for third or fourth time, re-dubbed very muddily, and has commentary clips of Michael Owen scoring inserted for Euro 2004 anticipation purposes. We’re singing for Latvia.

9) ANASTACIA – Left Outside Alone
2003: JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE – Rock Your Body

To be fair, in heads-up terms, I’ve got the chart for This Week Now vs. This Week Last Year as being only 5 points to 7 down (in Ryder Cup matchplay scoring terms). One True Voice—they really were that bad, you know.

2003: XTM & DJ CHUCKY ft. ANNIA – Fly On The Wings Of Love

OK, that’ll be 6-7 then. However, it says something that I’ve been waiting for this to come along for a fair while. This year’s been a flow of half-decent-to-terrible-songs, whereas the highlights from last year were really something. I’d be taking ‘No Good Advice’ over anything I’ve heard in the chart thus far today, for instance, and definitely this. However, this is a likeable enough ‘party jam’ (you can tell this because they say ‘party’ a lot and have some horn things at certain points) that bounds along altogether a bit aimlessly but with a fair deal of enthusiasm. It’s just a bit… hackeneyed, really, there’s this very definite air that you’ve seen it all before. The lyrics are all very ho-hum, certainly nothing to match up to “I stir fry you in my…WOK!”, but it’s most assuredly very happy to be here and to see you. The sound of three gentlemen of hip-hop unwinding a bit, which, when the sun is out, is quite a nice thing to be hearing.

7) FAITHLESS – Mass Destruction (NEW ENTRY)
2003: SEAN PAUL – Get Busy

6-8. Thing is, Faithless must be getting better, cos none of the music writers have picked up on this containing the line “If you’re a Caucasian/or a poor Asian”. But anyway—Maxi Jazz getting political in a quite-decent stylee, actually, as he rails on the ‘people kill people’ tip as the backing is oddly big-beaty, with trumpets and that, and as such will be used to soundtrack Major Sporting Events, presumably with the “Whether Soaraway Sun/Or BBC One/Misinformation is a weapon of mass destruction” line conveniently edited out.

6) CASSIDY ft. R KELLY – Hotel
2003: SHANIA TWAIN – Forever & For Always (NEW ENTRY)

7-8. For all the good bits, there was some right old shit last year too.

5) EAMON – Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back)

And it’s 7-9. I somehow doubt that Eamon has ever gone to a gay bar, presumably because he is too busy having REAL ACTUAL SEX WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND LIKE A BLOKE WHILST LISTENING TO RALPH TRESVANT.

4) KELIS – Trick Me
2003: S CLUB – Goodbye/Love Ain’t Gonna Wait For You

8-9. Even now, the repercussions of the S Club split reverberate through British music. Truly, it ain’t the same now Bradley isn’t there to go “C’mon!” every other verse.


8.5-9.5. Yes, this is that bad—Andre releases the single of the catchphrase that he came up while in the jungle on ‘I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!’ Unfortunately, he hasn’t changed the lyrics. Even less fortunately, he’s got some session musicians to impersonate Jamiroquai. He also sounds like he’s on PCP. It’s not a good thing, no.

2) FRANKEE – Fuck U Right Back
2003: R KELLY – Ignition (Remix)

8.5-10.5. No, I don’t need to justify that.

1) MARIO WINANS ft. P DIDDY & ENYA – I Don’t Wanna Know (NEW ENTRY)
2003: EVANESCENCE – Bring Me To Life (NEW ENTRY)

And it’s 2003 by 11.5-8.5 points at the end of the day, but some of the match-ups really were utter trouncings that the score couldn’t hope to reflect. Such is golf.

This is one of those trouncings. Winans emotes over an Enya sample that the Fugees used. He sounds very sad i.e. quiet on the verge of inaudibility. It’s all quite subdued and sensitive and such… and here’s Diddy, to inform us that he knows where you live and where you are when he cannot see you, i.e. with ANOTHER MAN, possibly that bastard Mark Morrison. Ooh, he’s a scoundrel. But yes, the chances just go to piss after that, and a year that started with Gary Jules and his hat reaches its halfway point with Mario Winans and his harp sample. So why so sad? We’ll never know…

By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2004-06-07
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