The Singles Jukebox
Sitcom Top Twenty



album Chart Notes: The Zutons are new at 13. I’m the only Zutons-liker in the whole wide world of internet music writering. Dunno how it’s taken me so long to realise, but their singer looks really like Richard Beckinsale. The guitarist looks quite a bit like Phil Lynott too. The drummer, though, just looks a bit like John Power but with a haircut. They play ‘You Will, You Won’t’ and I love it but everyone else hates it but that’s because they are all suckerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs, or something along those lines. Ha. Then new at 12 is Agnetha Faltskog, and they don’t play anything off that because she is not within Radio 1’s target listener demographic. Scissor Sisters are #8 this week, and – ‘zah! – ‘Take Your Mama’ gets an airing. Congratulations Wes, but tempered congratulations, cos I know you’re going to more than balance that out later on…

Eamon’s album climbs to #6 from #34 last week. Maroon 5 climb to #5… and our highest new entry is Prince’s new album which is #3. They play his new single. It is very, very long. There is much dropping of bass on the one. Prince warns someone to never touch his stereo. No worries there, sir. And Guns ‘n’ Roses are number one, again.

There’s a new series of Cutting It. Oh good.

New entries outside the top 20: Breed 77 #39 (Rock from Gibraltar – see what I’ve done there? They sound a bit like… A fusion of Evanescence and System Of A Down. Does that make them Pearl Jam? I dunno. I think I like this, though I really dunno if I should – overblown and pomped up to the maximum stadium rockery that doesn’t appear to end. And somehow, they’ve called it ‘The River’. Eh, it’s right enough); Armand van Helden #34 (loose-fitting springy disco-house, sweet and light. Someone somewhere is tutting that it’s all very 2001. That someone has a point, but not if they’re using it as a reason for hating on it. It’s pretty good); Goldie Lookin’ Chain #32 (We’re going well this week, aren’t we? Tracksuit rappers from Newport [Gwent, not Isle of Wight] attempt to become robots by wrapping selves in tinfoil and standing very still in Currys. “Like Terminator filmed in Aberdare.” Extra bonus – they hang up on Wes, after refusing to let him tell them the single is anything other than #1:

WES: This is your first chart entry…

GLC: First! We come first! Number one!

WES: Er, no, wait…

GLC: Lads, get the champagne! GLC! Number one!

This is obviously somewhat marvellous); The Bees #31 (Like the Beta Band’s rubbisher moments, and about twice as long); Lasgo #24 (I think I used to like a single of theirs once, and it sounded like this. I have thus long since forgotten why); and Pink #21 (Remember her last two singles? This is like both of them, probably, and yet worse, because I can’t remember either of them, and this is currently being pumped into my ears. Shut up, madam. Please, please, just shut up).

The DVD chart has now been reduced to just being read out by Wes, which somehow renders it even more pointless than it used to be. Next week, Jo Whiley reads the ingredients off a box of Coco Pops.

THE UK TOP 20: GOOOOO TOOOOOOO SLEEEEEEEEP

20) N.E.R.D. – She Wants To Move

It’s a slow week this week. D12 are being mentioned among the leading contenders for #1. And I can’t say much about the football, cos we lost 2-1 to Bolton yesterday and Kevin pigging Davies scored. This could be a tricky one. Think of me kindly in your prayers tonight.

19) OCEANLAB ft. JUSTINE SUISSA – Satellite (NEW ENTRY)

It feels wrong to dismiss this as generic Dave Pearce trancey fodder. But it is, it so is. It has the farty keyboard ripple and cooey female vocals and everything. There must be something more… yet I suspect there isn’t. Oh well.

18) JC CHASEZ – Blowin’ Me Up With Her Love

This sounds like the best thing ever this week, really it does. Shoulders, back, shuffle-uffle-uffling to that impossibly wonderful springy backing… it’s fucking gorgeous, swear god and that. And then it gets quicker. And when it gets quicker it really does just hit a whole other level entirely. I’ve been looking for a contender for Single Of The Year lately. The field is very thin, and this one’s chances are improving every minute.

17) BLUE – Breathe Easy

Not this, though.

16) NARCOTIC THRUST – I Like It

And, though I am warming to it slightly, this isn’t in the hunt either.

15) WOLFMAN ft. PETER DOHERTY – For Lovers

This is though. I properly listened to it for the first time, and realised that it’s fairly obviously about the Doherty’s period of losing it which culminated in him burgling Carl Barat’s flat and ending up in jail. “I paid the penalty/Hear the jailer/Rattling the key/But the key was mine/I kept a spare one/Every time”. It’s his request for forgiveness. Franz Ferdinand guest edited the Guardian’s G2 supplement on Monday, and commissioned an article by Alexis Petridis on how boring bands are these days, commenting that “The Rolling Stones had mythology. Busted and Blue don’t.” Petridis cited the Libertines as one of a handful of exceptions to this.

Petridis—get tae fuck. ‘Mythology’ matters to you because you are a rock journalist and you want to write a book or several books or whatever. ‘Mythology’ is what gives us Craig frigging Nicholls. ‘Mythology’ is Robbie Williams. ‘Mythology’ is the kind of thing the NME tries to force on bands and this forced ‘mythology’ bullshit is why people don’t trust new guitar bands much further than they can throw them nowadays and why there’s now this whacking great gulf for these bands in so far as they only end up getting liked by students, and why hardly any of them will make a second album because they can’t get it fucking noticed because they’ve been shunted off to give room to more ‘exciting’ ‘new’ ‘bands’ that you’re trying to staple-gun ‘mythology’ onto. Is that ‘just the way things are’, is it? ‘The industry’. Fuck off.

In the midst of all this, the Libertines’ antics are generally widely seen as forced, and a prison stretch now gets put down as being a slightly advanced form of doing an instore gig at HMV Oxford Street, or, better yet, ripping off Johnny Cash. So now people are thinking this is some kind of token ballad bullshit. No it isn’t. This is a reflection upon GETTING FUCKED BY DRUGS (‘by’, not ‘on’) AND BURGLING YOUR MATE’S FUCKING FLAT. Yes, people did this before. ‘Better’? No idea. And this is an apology. And a crossing of fingers that things will be better. The Libertines aren’t averse to publicity, no. But that doesn’t mean they’re entirely constructed of it. This song views prison as ‘paying the penalty’, not something to get bragged about in lad-mag fashion, not something the NME can use as a “THEY ARE MAD! THEY ARE! LIKE KURT! WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO DIE! FUCKING HELL! ROCK!” sub-header.

Would this in itself make it a good song? Dunno. And true to form, irritating modern ‘indie kids’ (shall we shamelessly generalise about XFM listeners? Eh) would appear to have automatically reacted to the sound of a piano and clicking drums as indicating ‘byootiful’. The Official Keane Messageboard were debating the relative merits of Keane and Busted, and a lot of them were insulting Busted’s lyrics, because obviously none of them can match up to “I came across/A fallen tree/I felt the branches, are they looking at me?”

But Doherty can fucking sing it. And the arrangement for this is right. It is right. It works. It works like a good radio ballad should. It was written in Whitby, apparently, and it certainly sounds like it. There is an air of resigned greyscale about the whole thing, cold tea being idly stirred as the clouds come in. Sighing. Wanting to get away from this, get beyond this. Perhaps that’s what the guitars are for at the end, not just a token tacking on to try and propel it chartwards. This song, unless I’m entirely mistaken, is Rough Trade’s joint-highest charting single ever. The other one is ‘12:51’ by The Strokes. This romps the fucker.

14) JOE ft. G-UNIT – Ride Wit U

Joe’s had about ten top 40 hits. I can remember two. I can only remember this one because I heard it about five minutes ago, and it got followed by…

13) JAMES FOX – Hold On To Our Love (NEW ENTRY)

Hello Great Britain! This Is YOOOOOOU! Yes, here’s our Eurovision representative, so this year British pop is inferior to Alistair Griffin. Fox is interviewed beforehand, and says he’s ‘delighted’ to be #13. He doesn’t sound it. He goes on about his album deal with Sony. This song is so paint-by-numbers that it’s an insult to paint-by-numbers. “It’s the only time I’ve ever loved somebody/In my life/We gotta hold on, to our love tonight.” GO HOME.

12) TWISTA ft. JAMIE FOXX & KANYE WEST – Slow Jamz

I saw The Chris Isaak Show last night. It wasn’t that funny or anything, but the fact that someone had made a sitcom based around the adventures of Chris Isaak and his backing band was bemusing enough to keep me going. Cos you see, Jamie Foxx was in a programme called The Jamie Foxx Show. So it’s relevant.

11) SPECIAL D – Come With Me

What would happen if someone made a sitcom about Special D, though?

10) DJ CASPER – Cha-Cha Slide

DJ Casper could drop in and wish him luck.

9) McFLY – Five Colours In Her Hair

McFly’s video actually features them having their own TV show, like the Monkees. Special D’s show would be better, though. Him and Ian van Dahl solving mysteries in the Yorkshire Dales. Like Heartbeat, with the UD Project as Greengrass.

8) FRANZ FERDINAND – Matinee (NEW ENTRY)

Jangly Scots indie that thinks it’s cleverer than it is (Terry Wogan! Haha! No) but is still really very good in a jaunty indie-disco sort of a way. You can certainly dance to them, put it that way. However, time and certain other thoughts prevent me from writing about this at much greater length. Next week, perhaps.

7) MARILLION – You’re Gone (NEW ENTRY)

As Passantino said to me: “THAT’LL SHOW WILL YOUNG.” Yes, Marillion get their fanbase all marshalled up for an assault on the charts, and a fairly inconsequential rock ballad makes it into the top ten as a result. Tum te tum.

6) USHER ft. LI’L JON & LUDACRIS – Yeah

Usher’s TV show would probably be something rubbish, with Usher as a primary school teacher who just cannot resist that damn groove or something. Special D’s would be better. Dario G and Darude go joyriding—with tragic consequences…

5) THE RASMUS – In The Shadows

The Rasmus’ show is obvious. Him and Amy Lee = Moonlighting for the new millennium!

Under the boardwalk
Is a tortured ghost
Under the boardwalk
Is my shattered soul
Under the boardwalk
Board-walk!


4) ANASTACIA – Left Outside Alone

Eh, she’d probably present a version of World’s Wildest Police Chases. She seems to enjoy making accusatory hand gestures.

Meanwhile, DJ Quicksilver learns the truth about sniffing glue—the hard way…

3) MAROON 5 – This Love (NEW ENTRY)

This is the sort of stuff the Scissor Sisters do much better—jaunty keyboard pop rompery. Maroon 5 quite clearly have no idea how to romp, though. They thought Maroon 5 was a reasonable band name, for starters. This, though, remains a decent enough tune, still perky and poppy and ambling and so on and so forth. The tune people used to think ‘Get Over It’ by OK Go was, but wasn’t, perhaps.

2) D12 – My Band

D12 would be a ‘star vehicle’ sitcom, probably starring Eminem as aspiring rapper Skittles, with the rest of D12 as his hilarious dysfunctional friends. Kuniva is a lovelorn librarian, Kon Artis is a gay shoe designer, Proof drives a van, Bizaar is the no-nonsense proprietor of Eminem’s favourite milkshake joint, and Swift has the catchphrase “Ahhhhh, jerky!” for no actual reason.

1) EAMON – Fuck It

Eamon could present Celebrity Bullseye:

EAMON: … so I say to her, “Eh, get the fuck out, bitch!” So that was the last I saw o’ my mother-in-law, yo!

DJ U-VEX: Laugh for Eamon, yo!

(LAUGHTER)

Meanwhile, when Eiffel 65’s illegal moped racket leaves Phats & Small fighting for their lives in hospital, Special D finds himself faced with a town gone vigilante crazy…



By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2004-04-26
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