Radio Ga Ga
elcome to the last edition, for the foreseeable future, of the UK Singles Jukebox. We’re getting pre-empted for another column come next week, so send in letters demanding our reinstatement, sign petitions or even write your MP. Anyway, Basement Jaxx romped in last week with a 7.5 over the might of Girls Aloud. After installing the latest UK chart singles the reviewers have illegally downloaded the songs and offered their opinions for upload. Let the court decide.
Peter Parrish: Will posts his entry to the much coveted Day of the week + child song contest, currently featuring The Chameleon’s “Thursday’s Child” and All About Eve’s “Tuesday’s Child”. And probably some others. A random fortune-telling crone assures me that Friday’s child is “loving and giving”. I shall not fall for such devious head-warping tricks. Still, that bassline is awfully smooth though the video’s swimming theme just baffles me. I’ll stick with The Chameleons.
Edward Oculicz: Quite sweet and charming, actually, a lot of thought has gone into the arrangement and not too bad of a tune. Will Young was born on a Saturday, so this song possibly the first he's done that can properly be read to be about men, although having said that it's scarcely more brave than the average Katie Melua song. Miles better, though, even if the sweeping instrumental break is sorely missed.
Dom Passantino: I didn't really expect for our Will to release a single that sounded like the Butthole Surfers, but… this is "Pepper". As done by Simply Red. Tempted as I am to give him 0 because of those Brian Dowling rumours, it's that standard slice of underachieving pop from the man who WILL come good eventually, just… not yet.
Scott Mckeating: Will’s first album was actually really good, his second was much less so. Good to see William finally getting some serious props for the quality material he’s capable of.
Peter Parrish: Once upon a time, the one-two-three cat challenged his French neighbour the un-deux-trois cat to a battle of national cat honour. The contest was set; the first cat to complete a single crossing of the English channel would emerge victorious. Alas, upon the day of the race, tragedy cruelly struck. The un-deux-trois cat cinq. In other news, I loathe songs that shoot to fame on the back of high-profile advertisements. And yet, this gigantic earworm has successfully laid its putrid eggs in my mouth. You win, 5678’s. I cannot stop humming your song.
Edward Oculicz: A humorous novelty in its proper context but even though it's only two minutes the idea is stretched well beyond breaking point. Does anyone really need to buy this, let alone hear it again? Is its appeal not in the fact that it's unforgettable and, crucially, REPRODUCIBLE after just one listen, for better or worse?
Dom Passantino: The Ren and Stimpy theme tune.
Scott Mckeating: The weepage of the boil of Tarantino’s crate digging obsession. Cheesy turd on a string.
Never Felt like this Before
Peter Parrish : Hilariously, even the Top Of The Pops website can’t get excited about this: “It won't set the world alight and it's not as fiery as a night out with the Appleton sisters looking for new rock star boyfriends, but it does the job in a way that the England football team for instance, didn't.” Faint praise. Damning.
Edward Oculicz: Despite Orbit's intermittent wintry sounds in the mix, this sounds like a slow dance in the sticky heat. Too low-key and gorgeous to be the massive hit is should be, but a good enough soundtrack to lusting over the unattainables in your life.
Dom Passantino: I am now officially an old rap journalist, because I'm more excited by the fact that Biz Markie is on a Shaznay album rather than the fact that there's a Shaznay album in the first place. Lewis shows about as much enthusiasm singing this song as I do listening to it.
Scott McKeating: All I care about is that fact that Primal Scream are on the LP apparently, though doing what I’m not sure. I’ve been waiting a long time for Shaznay to come out and do some blinding RnB pop. This isn’t it and the video is decidedly unerotic too.
Accidentally in Love
Peter Parrish : Gains a certain degree of amnesty for two crucial reasons. Firstly (advert, advert!) Shrek 2 was an excellent film (advert, advert!). Secondly, the worst track featured was, by as many country miles as you can count, the disgraceful massacre of “Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t’ve Fallen In Love With)?” That said, this is still pretty empty. But what about that Puss-in-Boots, eh?
Edward Oculicz: It's nice to hear them do a song in which they're not so depressed. Comparatively speaking, of course, this is still very much of their same mediocre standard. Could have done with some handclaps. And a better chorus, but the verses aren't too bad, actually.
Dom Passantino: I'm reviewing these singles in a library, so the people around me probably think I'm a Counting Crows fan. The things I do for you people…there are ten good minutes in Shrek 2. The first five minutes, and the last five minutes. Neither of these two are the parts of the film with the Counting Crows.
Scott Mckeating: Weak song from a great band. They just don’t seem to be the sort of guys who soundtrack animated movies without having some great desperate motivation. I predict Duritz’s solo LP in mid-2005.
Peter Parrish: attheriskofsoundingfrightfullyoldfashionedifinditextremely difficulttokeepupwithwhatthehellshessayingonanylevel whatsoeverandthereforeexperienceconsiderableproblems intheareaofenjoymentinrelationtothissongbecauseaside fromthevocalstheredoesntseemtobeallthatmuchgoingon, know what I mean?
Edward Oculicz: Well, she certainly is giving this some stick isn't she? Should disclaim at the outset that I don't like this kind of music at all, but this is decent enough, mainly due to the eerie, prowling bassline.
Dom Passantino: It's a hip-hop track with a shout out to the victims of the Soham Murders! Not as good as Blak Twang's Damilola Taylor props, but this is going to sell more copies, and surely that's what's important, no?
Scott Mckeating: She’s not much cop really, not really the new Dynamite as the IPC boys are touting her as. Don’t enjoy anything about it.
Never Really Was
Peter Parrish : “We are experiencing technical difficulties right now, please try again later.” No, I’m sorry Mr. Launch Music I cannot try again later as I have a deadline to…err…oh, hello. This track is almost certainly superb! Unless it is terrible and worse than dead babies! I’m not making it up, I swear!
Edward Oculicz: Just awful. A buffoon (on the remix, a bunch of buffoons) being boring without end (in both senses) over "Papa Don't Preach", that's what it is. Is this payback for Madonna attempting rapping on "American Life"? Frankly, Madonna's attempts to incorporate rap and hip-hop are far better than their attempts to incorporate her.
Dom Passantino: No, it wasn't.
Scott Mckeating: A Diddy crony doing the Diddy thing without heart or energy.
By: UK Stylus Staff
Published on: 2004-07-08