The Singles Jukebox
Radio Ga Ga



welcome to the weekly UK Singles Jukebox: Radio Ga Ga. Foxy Javine slew the competition last week, including even the N*E*R*D boys. Was it style over content or good vs. shite? The format is simple: get a six-pack of the UK’s chartbound pop singles, and force feed the reviewers some blackened animal flesh which smells of lighter fuel until they bring it all back up. I can’t live without my Radio!





Outkast
Roses
[4.6]


Peter Parrish: Grasp that lawnmower firmly and head out into the garden! While you’re at it, your wardrobe may need some pruning too. Start afresh by throwing out everything that isn’t red; those weird jockey outfits were kind of creepy really. Soon, romance may bloom as wildly as your flowerbeds. Unless Venus crashes to Earth and destroys us all in a gigantic explosion of sulphur. Lucky Gardening Tool: A hoe.
[5]

Edward Oculicz: Hmm..for such an allegedly watershed album, they sure ran out of decent single material fast, huh? (they should have released "Unhappy"). They're getting awfully close to only scoring raves out of fond memories now.
[6]

Dom Passantino: Aren’t golden calculators usually given to accountants when they retire? The points it gains for Big Boi’s perfect sleeperhold in the video are lost by the fact that they couldn’t think of a better synonym for shit than “boo boo boo”.
[8]

Scott Mckeating: Will those hipsters who proclaimed Andre 3000 the next Prince merely because he chose to sing instead of rap please now stand up and admit 7/8s of his album was bullshit. Frightening how many people were creaming over the crap songs on the The Love Below before they’d even heard it just because he's a ‘character’. Poo-poo.
[0]

Dave McGonigle: “Roses really smell like boo-boo”? Really? Makes you wonder what Yogi, Andre and BB are listening to these days. Dropping lyrical...things...aside, this is a pedestrian attempt, starting with a piano roll that recalls Billy Joel; the rest of it tries hard to recapitulate that level of grandeur.
[4]





Lloyd
Southside
[3.2]


Peter Parrish: The sun, Mercury and Saturn are in your sign. Frankly, this just leads to overcrowding—and the sense that your girlfriend’s father totally hates you. His intense wrath will be focused even more heavily upon you this week, unless you skip town and live in a caravan. Lucky Investment Plan: A low interest mortgage with variable repayment schemes.
[3]

Edward Oculicz: In descending order of horribleness: Sounds like a Babyface B-side. Meanders along MIT SOUL. But no hooks. Features emoting. And Ashanti.
[0]

Dave McGonigle: Nicely understated single from Lloyd (oh yeah—and Ashanti, too). All the S's are there: it's slow, sensual...and it'll get you a smoochie at the end of the night, too.
[7]

Dom Passantino: If Jamieson was American and slightly duller he’d make music like this. Functional R&B malarkey with an unfortunate vocal effect that makes it sound like Eiffel 65 were recording next door.
[6]

Scott Mckeating: It’s Murda! Yet again Irv Gotti has got it all horribly horribly wrong. A song for the ladies that apparently shows that he is both sensitive and willing to rock yo azz til’ da morning lite. What the fuck is up with the vocoder thingy all over his voice? Hardly a great advert for his vocals.
[0]





Mcfly
Obviously
[3.6]


Peter Parrish: Today, romance seems to be just out of your reach. Channel that endless well of self-loathing into new creative projects and you may emerge from the shadow of older siblings. Your abilities to ruthlessly exploit musical tendencies from the 1960’s are the key to this noble venture. When meeting people this week, try not to resemble annoying little urchins’ quite so much. Lucky Mass-Marketed Children’s TV Show: The Fimbles.
[4]

Edward Oculicz: They sound like Green Day when they grew up despite being younger than Green Day when they weren't! But with more swaying strings! And more harmonies and a chorus so universal and catchy you wouldn't admit that it basically IS YOUR LIFE. Oh, what a time to be a teenage girl in the UK.
[9]

Dom Passantino: After the Lemonheads’ referencing of their debut single, here the McFly boys go latter-day Green Day crazy. Head McFly even does that Billie Joe weird eye strain head shake thing in the video, which loses them an extra point for featuring golf.
[3]

Dave McGonigle: Like your face before a visit to your Grandma's, this single's been cleaned and buffed until it shines. Sadly, it's also robbed it of any discernible features whatsoever, acting only as a mirror for the psyche of the listener. It could have been happy-go-lucky guitar pop; it isn't.
[2]

Scott McKeating: It worries me when people in their mid to late twenties wax lyrical about groups like McFly. Is it because they crave that early teen buzz so much or want to avoid being reminded about the adult world of relationships which contain more than one dimension? Considering the wealth of adult experience and pop songs about them it just seems well…odd. It’s kid’s music, y’know…for kids.
[0]





Girls of FHM
Do You Think I’m Sexy?
[0.6]


Peter Parrish: To feel your best today, spend more time socialising with others. Attending a party would fit the bill perfectly! Surprise a close friend by wearing loose-fitting, comfortable clothing. The intellectual star of society is currently moving behind the constellation of huge tits—a perfect time for you to pursue your career. Lucky Photoshop Feature: Copious airbrushing.
[1]

Edward Oculicz: Potentially fantastic stomp-a-thon cover damaged beyond repair with sub-Living Joy warbling keyboard action. Also not even as disco as the original version. Cut-up singing bits also an atrocious idea, thank you Boogie Pimps, you are to blame for this.
[0]

Dom Passantino: Anyone stupid enough to read my reviews will know that I stole my entire writing style from FHM article writers circa 1999. Nevertheless, this is dreck.
[0]

Scott Mckeating: We are a culture obsessed with slappers. Every pert busted and big eyed trollop from the world of Soap, pop, catwalk fame and dirty magazines appear in the video wiggling their wobblies at us. It might well be for charity but I refuse to fork out my cash because these tarts will get all smug. Harsh but fair.
[1]

Dave McGonigle: When I was a lad (seemingly vast aeons ago) I remember the British comedian Kenny Everett doing a grotesque pisstake of this, wherein his posterior would swell to planet-sized proportions. It was genuinely scary. This, if anything, is more worrying.
[1]





Taz
Can’t Contain Me
[4.4]


Peter Parrish: Now is the perfect time to let loose your stored hyperactive energy in a single giant fountain of jittery kinetics. Uncoil that spring! Bounce into your future self! Cut back on the coffee, it isn’t doing your spiritual aura any favours. Lucky Escapologist: Harry Houdini.
[5]

Edward Oculicz: The UK's answer to Kanye West! Somehow I don't remember anyone asking THAT particular question. Backing is exciting, but doesn't sit well with his Dizzee Rascal meets Busta Rhymes but not-as-good-as-either delivery.
[2]

Dom Passantino: Bored with his job as a WWE commentator, former Human Suplex Machine knocks out some of that B&B (blog and broadsheet) pleasing grime malarkey, complete with slightly Europop bits.
[5]

Dave McGonigle: Thank God, finally: some music to review in this pop wasteland. Confident flow, wonderful start-stop rhythms; you can guess Taz is part of Dizzee Rascal's posse. Same bloke-on-the-edge-of-a-nervous-breakdown lyrical style, same hint of Sarf London patois, same feeling that these guys are inventing their own style. I always preferred Road Runner, tho'.
[8]

Scott Mckeating: Are these MCs being bred in captivity and being released into the wilds of London? Here’s another in the astonishing never-ending stream of lesser talented MCs running about in what looks like my Uncle’s tracksuit and my Gran’s jewelry. Time for a cull?
[2]





The Bees
Horsemen
[2.6]


Peter Parrish: This is a good month to redesign your website to look less like a poor football management game from the mid-90s. The mystic charts suggest that people find having to click on the plant pot to view your discography significantly less hilarious than you do. Today, many may try to persuade you that the school assembly sing-along effect on your chorus is a bit stupid. Listen respectfully to their opinions before crying yourself to sleep. Lucky Ridiculous Board Game: Busy Buzzy Bumbles.
[3]

Edward Oculicz: This is the music your parents ignored. And with good reason—and standards were even lower back then! Learn from them, hipsters. Not entirely artless, but a thoroughly unappetising homage to the (rightly) forgotten music it aspires to be.
[3]

Dom Passantino: The spirit of Ocean Colour Scene lives on.
[0]

Scott Mckeating: I myself am an admirer of beards, having had a goatee many years ago I have always desired the full Will Oldham on my chin. This new culture of hairiness in rock may herald the right time for me to nail my colours to the mast and do it. Must remember not to act like a hoary old rocker with an incredible retro vision of real music.
[1]

Dave McGonigle: I'm confused. Did we fight the Britpop wars for nothing? Does anyone even remember owning a scooter? And I thought that it was a hanging offence to have sideburns over 5 inches long in the UK these days? As I said, I'm confused, 'cos here we are in 2004 and I've got The Bees grinning at me like it was OK to look like the bastard sons of Ocean Colour Séance, or whoever they were. Single's alright, though, 2/5 Small Faces to 1/5 Wellerian veins-out warbling to 2/5 Older Brother's Record Collection. They'll do, for now.
[6]



By: UK Stylus Staff
Published on: 2004-06-24
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