The Singles Jukebox
Radio Ga Ga



welcome to the weekly UK Singles Jukebox: Radio Ga Ga. Last week, we saw Ruslana trample The Cure into the dirt. You can’t really argue with that looking at their post-Wish material. Long live the new flesh.

The format is simple: we take the crispy fresh leaves of the UK’s chart-bound pop singles, and let the reviewers sprinkle an assortment of dressings and cherry tomatoes over it, then add up the scores to a chilled crescendo of averages.





Javine
Best of My Love
[4.8]


Peter Parrish : Oh crap, it’s one of those tracks I find hopelessly bland. Now I have to latch on to a single pointless feature of the record and attempt to string out the wordage long enough to fool everyone into thinking I know what I’m talking about. Err…so...Javine, that’s quite an interesting name isn’t it?
[4]

Edward Oculicz: Impeccably crafted soul-cum-dance-pop with no attempt to be cool or "street", just a great song and someone who sings it like it should be done, without resorting to bellowing it out even though she could. A cut like this could have saved the last Sugababes album.
[9]

Dom Passantino: The Pete Best of sassy girl pop returns to try and save herself from a dumpsterdom she doesn’t deserve. She’s just… quintessentially 6/10.
[6]

Scott Mckeating: Javine got my votes during the whole of Pop Idol, she outshone the rest of those Exhaust Repair front desk secretary slappers now in Girls Aloud. This sadly is pish, try it with the sound turned down if you have MTV or even if you don’t.
[0]





N*E*R*D
Maybe
[3.5]


Peter Parrish : The opening line sounds awfully like “Love is the egg / See?”, which makes me wonder what the chicken is. And which came first, naturally. Perhaps the chicken represents death, or hatred? If so, why are N*E*R*D so prejudiced against chickens? At the risk of encouraging a frenzied animal rights attack, I shall suggest that I don’t really care and move on to discuss the size of the chorus. It’s quite large. Larger than a chicken, certainly. And fun. Far more fun than a chicken could ever be. Except perhaps a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle.
[6]

Edward Oculicz: In which Pharrell imagines himself as a soul man and takes aim at the not-so-lofty heights of Maroon 5. And misses. As such, this is the most horrifying, pointless thing The Neptunes have put their name to so far. Yeah, because people don't listen to them for the beats (of which there are none to speak of), they want feeling and soul, don't they?
[2]

Dom Passantino: In a unique first for ‘Shirtless’ Pharrell Williams and his Nerds, this actually provided me with some entertainment. Specifically, the three seconds whilst watching the video that I thought that it was Mr. T playing the drums.
[3]

Scott McKeating: The chorus starts to go somewhere but just drifts off instead going for the all out epic sized wham-bam. Another example of Pharrell’s ‘take me seriously’ campaign this is leagues away from their pop hook Neptunes brilliance. He needs to get back to 5 notes and a 303 and enough of this sub-Ben Folds Five bullshit. That berk from The Roots Amir “?uestlove” guests on the drums in the video too.
[3]





Rob Tissera
Stay
[2.3.]


Peter Parrish : *UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ* (wibble wibble wibble wooooosh) *UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ* ("oooo I’m beggin’ you to staaaaayyy") *UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ*. That noose looks awfully attractive.
[0]

Edward Oculicz: Excitable, but utterly uninteresting pounding trash-trance number with over-emoting. That sounds horrible, doesn't it?
[2]

Dom Passantino: MPD-suffering dance chown. 50% menu music to a Mega Drive scrolling beat-‘em-up circa 1991 and 50% “Bacardi Breezers 4 for £5, no baseball caps”. Rubbish.
[2]

Scott Mckeating: This music always seems to sound best when fucked on cheap speed and lager in the depths of a dark and sticky floored dancefloor, so in my living room this is pretty expendable. Generic ravey davey music.
[5]





Razorlight
Golden Touch
[4.0]


Peter Parrish: Screw the song. Their website hosts an alarmingly exceptional remake of the classic Spectrum joystick-ruination fest Daley Thompson’s Decathlon. Pummel your keyboard to death as you attempt score-busting feats of glory for little or no reason, other than the vague sense of self-worth gained from seeing your incorrectly entered name riding high upon a board of champions. Ahh, the sweet sound of humming 8-bit powerpacks; true music of the spheres. Um... deduct about six points if you have no idea what I’m burbling about.
[9]

Edward Oculicz: I thought it was going to turn into a jauntier version of Blur's "For Tomorrow" and got momentarily interested. Only momentarily, mind. Possibly an improvement on their last single which I remember being really awful, largely due to well-placed backing vocal action, but still needs some kind of tune to hum.
[5]

Dom Passantino: All hail the saviours of indie! They are saving indie! Again! Remember who was saving indie last week? They are now old and busted, the new hottness on the indie saviour scene are Razorlight, who are saving indie by sounding exactly like Maroon 5.
[0]

Scott Mckeating: Mid period Blur doing “10:15 on a Saturday Night” fronted by the new lead singer of Dodgy. Does nothing, goes nowhere.
[2]





JC Chasez
All Day Long I Dream About Sex
[3.8]


Peter Parrish : The year is 1983. Sinister government agents have smuggled a single member of popular beat combo Spandau Ballet into a specially prepared cryogenic chamber and replaced him with a robot. Ripple-dissolve to 2004. Having escaped from a high-security pop research facility, our bleary-eyed, interestingly-haired dreamer attempts to relaunch his career over some weedy synthesisers and a drumline discounted by The Fall for being too repetitive. This summer, Martin Kemp *is* JC Chasez. But sadly, no-one cares!
[3]

Edward Oculicz: Even though the radio edit excises the hugely enjoyable and yet almost inexcusably daft video game breakdown in the middle, and the fact that the chorus has absolutely no tune at all to speak of, this is ridiculously good fun. Lyrics so bad they are brilliant. Not a single concession or piece of evidence of KNOWLEDGE of subtlety.
[10]

Dom Passantino: Better than KoRn, worse than Killer Mike. Is this meant to sound like Bouncing off Satellites era B-52s?
[1]

Scott Mckeating: He looks like a straight up prick and his voice is shitty beyond belief. The desperation to be cool is audibly and visibly palpable. People are wowing at the fact he’s sounding like he’s backing in the 80s…..so fucking what! How hard is it to recycle Gary Numan during an 80s style revival?
[1]





Shonagh Daly
All I Want
[3.0]


Peter Parrish : Jingle jangle, jingle jangle. I’m a pretty little tune! Jingle jangle, jingle jangle. I sound a bit like that one you heard on Neighbours that time! Jingle jangle, jingle jangle. Look at my arty lying-on-the-bed-being-so-casual cover! Jingle jangle, jingle jangle. I wish Dawson’s Creek was still running so that I could be on the soundtrack *sigh*.
[2]

Edward Oculicz: Reminds me periodically of "Sunny Came Home" and some rubbish song I saw last time the country music channel was on. The fact that this song is sandwiched between two covers (“Fever” and “'Beautiful View”) on her website does not bode well. For people who found Joss Stone too confronting and want something nice to trill along to while dusting.
[3]

Dom Passantino: DAWSON’S IS OVER STOP TRYING TO SOUNDTRACK IT. kthxbye.
[5]

Scott Mckeating: Has Leanne Rimes or Shitnia done this song before? I’m sure I know this song from somewhere. A Julia Roberts movie maybe? Some straight to video piece of shit about a Mommy who puts her job before her husband and kids before realising that all she wants is to be back at home with her family. Maybe she could nearly have an affair with that Matt guy from Friends. My talents are wasted here, y’know.
[2]



By: UK Stylus Staff
Published on: 2004-06-17
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