The Singles Jukebox
Puerto Rico Ha Ha Ha



album Chart Notes: Anastacia is #1. That's about it.

New Entries Outside The Top 20: Soulwax #34 (Soulwax go disco-rock in a similar way to how they usually do); Charlotte Hatherley #31 (Charlotte whacks guitar about while singing—good for the first couple of minutes, then sort of loses its way. But Christ knows it's better than ruddy Ash); The Finn Brothers #26 ('classic songwriting'); Scent #23 (so-so summer-house antics); and Biffy Clyro #21 (dodgy Scottish emo-indie-rocking. It might not be emo, actually. Difficult to tell. Busted named their rabbit after them).

THE UK TOP 20: I AM BETTER THAN DOM AT PRO EVO 3

20) NINA SKY ft. JABBA – Move Ya Body

Sorry, we were playing Pro Evolution Soccer 3. Dom is round my house. I've not mentioned Jabba's involvement in this song before, have I? He shouts a bit.

19) LLOYD BANKS – On Fire (NEW ENTRY)

In pre-song interview, Lloyd reveals that the song has no particular subject matter. No, really? The beat is sort of nice in a clippy electric piano way, but it all rather falls down when Lloyd opens his stupid mouth. His flow is very boring and monotonous. I don't know what he's saying. I'm not sure that I care. Fiddy says he's going to lift the roof off and then light the roof on fire. Considerate geeze.

18) USHER – Burn

I am now telling Dom how to play Tiger Woods 2004.

17) ANA JOHNSSON – We Are

Oh, and the football season (Premiership version) started yesterday. We lost 2-0 to Villa. Season of fun and joy lies ahead.

16) JAVINE – Don't Walk Away (NEW ENTRY)

And so, Her That Was Controversially Not In Girls Aloud goes for umpteenth career bounce-back by covering a song from 1993 in a somewhat boring manner. It all sort of swings along fair enough, but… meh. This could be you, Sarah Harding.

15) THE RASMUS – Guilty (NEW ENTRY)

I can't remember the bits of the song that don't go "Geeeel-tee, whoa-oah-oah-oah-oah… emmmmm-pteee, yeah-eah-eah-eah-eah…" Which is probably the point. The trouble is that this isn't actually a good thing. It sounds like Bon Jovi, plus which he's terrible at screaming or shouting or whatever. This is rubbish.

14) BEENIE MAN – King Of The Dancehall (NEW ENTRY)

And so, a fortnight after issuing the most stiltedly phrased statement denying hatred of 'those with different lifestyles to my own' ever before then going on Jamaican radio to deny that he meant homosexuals, Beenie issues a song that I can't remember, aside from it was a bit like that 'Dude' one, but without the woman singing, which makes it not as good as a song that wasn't really much cop in the first place. Oh well.

13) O-ZONE – Dragostea Din Tei

Finally out of the top ten. There's actually an obscene amount of stuff coming out tomorrow, so it could well leave the top twenty altogether next week. Shame, eh?

12) J-KWON – Tipsy

For some reason this is on The Best Of R&B. Do any of those words actually apply to this?

11) RACHEL STEVENS – Some Girls

Well, that whole career revival thing has kicked off alright. Her cover of 'More More More' is the theme for Sky's coverage of Southampton's Ignominious Failure 2K4-5. They played it before the top 40. It's terrible.

10) KASABIAN – LSF (NEW ENTRY)

One of them—think he's called Serge—is interviewed beforehand, and sounds highly fed up. This'd be the one that said last week that he didn't like Franz Ferdinand because he's a young person and he doesn't want to listen to songs about dead Austrians… Kasabian, of course, named after one of the members of Charles Manson's 'family', which is far more relevant. Anyway. this is quite good to start with, in the filthy-groove style vaguely reminiscent of Campag Velocet. Then it gets to the chorus, at which point it starts sounding like Kula Shaker gone electro but with tedium replacing hilarity.

9) D12 – How Come

This week: Bizaar vs. Rahzel, cos for some reason I keep calling him that, which is a stupid thing to do. Bizaar is a fat bastard that talks really slowly, Rahzel can make a noise like a tape deck. Rahzel wins.

8) AVRIL LAVIGNE – My Happy Ending

Oh, and it all ended a fair while ago, so now we watching the Olympics. A Puerto Rican basketball player has just been described as a 'solid citizen'. They are currently fucking hammering the USA in an indescribably hilarious manner.

7) SHAPESHIFTERS – Lola's Theme

Seriously. I don't know shit about basketball, but I know what I find funny, and watching the US 'dream team' failing to put the ball in the hoop only to see it rebound to the Puerto Ricans who then lob it to their man downfield who then pops it in most assuredly qualifies as that.

6) ANASTACIA – Sick & Tired

Sample apparently not Punjabi.

5) V – Hip To Hip (NEW ENTRY)

"And that's why I'm the dude." I definitely heard that. Anyhow, this is V's second single, and I can't remember their first one. This is… well, it's quite decent, really. Nice chorus, "Hip-hip to hip!" It's all catchy, sunny, nice—you're tempted to say 'typical boy-band fare', but it feels a little bit better than that, happier somehow. Won't change the world, but none the worse for all that.

4) THE STREETS – Dry Your Eyes

So anyway, Puerto Rico romped it. It was great. Then they cut to the archery. Ah.

3) BUSTED – Thunderbirds Are Go/3AM

It is odd how they never play '3AM', innit? Possibly cos it's terrible.

2) THE LIBERTINES – Can't Stand Me Now (NEW ENTRY)

AND THE INDIE NATION RISES AS ONE AND RAILS AT THE INJUSTICE OF IT AAAALL!!! Yes, indie band kept off number one by 'gay-rage', real music held down… it's a decent enough tune, innit? It jangles along well enough, the way he sings "stand" is kind of amusing… There's owt wrong with it, but why it's this high up the chart is just that bit beyond me. The Libertines are a perfectly acceptable band, but they've definitely not come up with anything particularly out of the ordinary thus far.

1) 3 OF A KIND – Baby Cakes (NEW ENTRY)

Summer anthem part 2, as 2-step garage makes somewhat unexpected surge back to the top of the charts accompanied by a song that makes no sense whatsoever. "We're going to take it step by step because I'm not something you own." Yes. Well. It is also a very, very irritating song. 'Dragostea Din Tei' is not irritating, it is catchy. "Mai ai hii! Mai ai huu! Mai ai haa! Mai ai ha ha!" 'Baby Cakes', however, is this high-pitched thing that sort of clips along with this incessant kind of "mah mah mah" bollocks that sounds like some people being irritating on a bus. It isn't the sort of thing I can't get out of my head, either. It just repeats itself a lot for its duration and I'd quite like it to fuck off. This said, it is better than 'All This Time'.



By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2004-08-16
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