The Singles Jukebox
Not In The Top Three Ringtones



album chart notes: It's nice how most the new entries and high climbers are the old and untrendy. Dire Straits are new at #20, Roxy Music climb into the top 20 at #17, Donna Summer is new at #16, and The Shadows climb 17 to #15. All these are 'Greatest Hits' of some sort or other, by the way. We also get played Anastacia's new single (#18)—it's a bit cobblers. Similarly, the Supergrass (#13) track we get this week is 'Pumping On Your Stereo'. 'Mary' gets no luv. Again. Oh, and Wes decides to play 'Yeah' off Usher's album, on the basis that "it's still in the top 3 ringtones." Horrendous new chart direction sighted…

Further major climbs for Phil Collins (#4) and Thin Lizzy (#3). Beasties new at #2. 'Ch-Check It Out' once again proves too difficult for Wes to bother pronouncing. And yep, that leaves Keane at #1, again, entirely necessarily. The Scissors are #5, though… one day, eh? One day.

Today's competition is to win one of five box-sets of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers' entire back catalogue. I'll be turning the radio down a lot today.

New Entries Outside The Top 20: Divine Comedy #38 (Our Neil sings about his dead heroes in the manner of 'My Lovely Horse'. S'alright); Agnetha Faltskog #34 (a bit similar to her last one, but with added guitar soloing and battleship strings and xylophone. It all sounds like a vastly more expensive Emma Bunton, which, as regular readers will know, is no bad thing. Also, lovely as Bunton is proving to be, she never sang on 'Man In The Middle'. "MAAAAAAAAAN in the middle! Never second fiddle!" etc. Marvellous); N.E.R.D. #25 (Pharrell attempts to re-introduce jam-rock to the top 10. Pharrell fails. Hee-hee); and Freestylers #22 (some people that sound a bit like Basement Jaxx featuring a man that sounds a bit like JC Chasez make a single that sounds a little like 'Plug It In' bar the shouting, and as such it's pretty decent, but not as good).

THE UK TOP 20 – MIKE RILEY DIDN'T AWARD JAVINE A PENALTY, EITHER

20) HOOBASTANK – The Reason

He's sounding a bit more like Cher this week. I think I just like the sheer wankiness of the piano tinkle in the verses. It's all quite agreeably average, like Lonestar were, if you remember them.

19) CANDEE JAY – If I Were You

Actually properly from the same people that brought you Alice Deejay. I seem to remember them being better than this. It has crowd noises this week that I don't remember from last week. It's not as good as Scooter. In fact, it's really very rubbish.

18) JAVINE – Best Of My Love (NEW ENTRY)

Oh dear. In a pretty poor week for singles with high-charting potential, Javine's people must have thought they were in with a shout. It's a good song too, lots of horns, slidey handclaps etc. But somehow, somehow it just hasn't worked, there's something about her that hasn't quite grabbed the public's imagination. Possibly having a name that looks a bit similar to Jamelia's… hmm. Three singles and one top ten hit, that being the quite-tepid-really 'Real Things', things don't look pretty. A shame.

17) SCISSOR SISTERS – Laura

We get the 'Live Lounge' version. Organ is replaced by banjo. There are bongos. As well as nicking the piano off 'Honey', it would appear they've also pilfered the bass off 'Dreaming Of You'. Also, Ana 'Nyeh' Matronic's vocals are up a lot higher in this particular mix. It's fabulous.

16) ANASTACIA – Left Outside Alone

13 weeks now, and getting more bearable every week.

15) SLIPKNOT – Duality (NEW ENTRY)

Mask-wearing Stereolab-likers' first top twenty hit. Actually quite good. Oddly proggy—jittering guitar riff, slightly risible lyrics about self-mutilation and so on. Imagine if Amy Lee was a bloke and she really, really went mentalist. It's a mess, riff going hammering here there and everywhere, chorus and 'whispery bit' chopped and mixed up and scattered round and about. There's this marvellous bit where the singer hold this note in the chorus for ages, and the backing drops out… and then it WHAMS back again! It's all going along very quickly, driven by the not-terribly-complex-or-heavy-but-really-really-fast riff, and it's great but far too much to take in in just the one sitting…

14) KANYE WEST ft. SYLEENA JOHNSON – All Falls Down

So it's quite nice having something a bit calmer to follow. Rather liking this this week.

13) PAUL WELLER – The Bottle (NEW ENTRY)

But then! MODFATHER turns into BLAXPLOITATIONFATHER! Gil Scott-Heron song gets whipped through with triple-decker-thick funk bassing and Weller… I hesitate to call it 'scatting'. The idea of Weller 'scatting' is slightly scary. However, he rattles his way through a series of lines, most which seem to end "thebodd-OUW!!!" And at some point, there is a flute. To think that a few days ago I was dreading this chart…

12) EAMON – Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)

… imagine that, eh…

11) THE FARM vs. DJ SPOONY and A CHILDREN'S CHOIR OF SOME DESCRIPTION – All Together Now 2004

… yeah.

Anyway, as promised last week, update on yours and my Latvian Heroes. They've played two matches thus far. The first one they narrowly lost 2-1 to the Czech Republic, having led 1-0 up till the 73rd minute. However, little Maris Verpakovskis did manage to score in the 44th minute:



and later on found time to somehow do this:



See? They really are quite amazing. More on the second match later.

10) FRANKEE – Fuck U Right Back

I wonder if Verpakovskis' sex is wack? I mean, I can't imagine Eamon can levitate or anything.

9) RAZORLIGHT – Golden Touch (NEW ENTRY)

Hmm. This sounds like the Libertines but a bit/lot slower. It's… well, it's not that good, really. Slow chuggy-chug indie-hopscotch, which repeats its chorus a lot but still isn't particularly catchy or memorable. It doesn't really go anywhere. Except into the top ten, confusingly.

8) CASSIDY ft. R KELLY – Hotel

Why did Cassidy bother turning up? Really, why? Kelly completely carries this. You know what it needs? Betty Boo. Think of it next time you hear this—sub out Cassidy's bits for your favourite part of 'Where Are You Baby?', 'Doin' The Do' or similar. Possibly even Paul Weller scatting. Actually, no…

7) JESSICA SIMPSON – With You (NEW ENTRY)

In lieu of a review, here's the lyrics to 'Jessica' by Adam Green:

Jessica Simpson, where has your love gone?
It's not in your music, no.
You need a vacation, to wake up the cavemen,
And take them to Mexico.

*Chorus*

Jessica, Jessica Simpson
You've got it all wrong
Your fraudulent smile, the way that you faked it, the day that you die.

My body's in shambles, encrusted with brambles, that sharpen the air I breathe.
What's on the menu?
Jessica can you take down my order please?

(chorus)

Tomorrow gets closer
A purple bulldozer is calling you on the phone.
Your love life precedes you
Your son-in-law feeds you injections of cortisone.

(chorus)

Jessica Simpson
where has your love gone?
It's not in your music
So where has it gone then?

Jessica?


6) BRANDY ft. KANYE WEST – Talk About Our Love (NEW ENTRY)

For those who, like me, don't get the fuss about Beyonce, I think I might have found the answer—before her, there was Brandy. Yes, the woman so uninteresting she shares her surname with a part of Croydon returneth, and she brings along Kanye West too. Brandy twitters for a bit, then Kanye drops some lovely slide n' fade on her vocals in the chorus. Then she twitters a bit more. Kanye drops a guest verse towards the end. Then more twitter. Ho-hum.

5) KELIS – Trick Me

I was eating dinner at this point.

4) O-ZONE – Dragostea Din Tei

And at this point.

3) 4-4-2 – Come On England

And so onto the Latvians' second match, against multiple World and European champions Germany. However, those championships were won quite a while ago, and in recent years the Germans have been little short of shit.



However, they were still reckoned to be easy victors over Our Boys, by virtue of the fact that Latvia had never before even qualified for a major international tournament of any kind.



Therefore, it really was something of an upset when they managed to hold them to a 0-0 draw.



In fact, Latvia should have won, but were denied two clear penalties by (and at this juncture you boo):



Mike Riley, England's refereeing representative at the championships and international-class clueless plonker. Had it not been for him, Latvia could well have won and find themselves needing only a draw against Holland to make the next round of the championships. As it is, they'll need to beat Holland and hope Germany don't beat the Czechs, which isn't terribly likely. We'll let you know how they got on next Sunday, assuming either this or the Farm are still top 20.

(Note For Those Who Are Pissed Off About The Football Appearing Here: Just think how annoying you'd find it if you actually had to listen to either of these bloody records. Hmm? Exactly.)

2) MARIO WINANS ft. P DIDDY & ENYA – I Don't Wanna Know

FACT: Mario's hand gesture to accompany the line "Keep it on the low", where he raises then lowers his hands in the manner of a man trying to shove a particularly stubborn refuse sack into a bin, is currently the fifth best hand gesture in a video this year, behind The Rasmus' finger-guns, Twista's peculiar artificial voicebox/"Four runs" hybrid, and Jamie Foxx's vinyl-clutching and 'finger of "Def'ly set this party off right"'.

1) BRITNEY SPEARS – Everytime (NEW ENTRY)

Jesus Christ… BRITAIN—GET OVER IT. The nth saggy-arsed weepy number one this year features Britney "OK To Like Again" Spears taking the plaudits for 'Toxic' and using them to launch her bid to become the new Sarah Brightman. Oh dear. It goes on a bit. Heart FM are probably all over it. It's like Evanescence would sound if they really were as rubbish as people seem to think they are. And didn't have any guitars. It's going to hang around forever, isn't it? Dear me…


By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2004-06-21
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