Land Of Foregone Conclusion
lbum Chart Notes: There’s no new entries this week. The album chart is going to be no fun anymore for a solid month at least. I’d reckon. Economics, innit? Post-Christmas slump or something. We’re all off buying sofas at DFS. So here’s a live version of ‘Crashed The Wedding’. Busted still can’t sing. Really, really can’t sing. They’re #20. Destiny’s Child are number… something or other, and they’re playing ‘Lose My Breath’. Again. Are there no other songs on the album? Goodness me…
Wes is aware that this being the Xmas chart, it’s probably gonna be his busiest week. There will be even more self-plugging than ever. He’s unemployed in February. Hee.
Girls Aloud have a track played off their album. Is it ‘Graffiti My Soul’? Is it ‘Wake Me Up’? No, it’s ‘Jump’, because that’s obviously their best song. It was in Love, Actually, wasn’t it? Wes was in Love, Actually, and still likes to think that’s some form of character trait.
Your Christmas album number one… is Robbie’s Greatest Hits. Here’s ‘Angels’.
New Entries Outside The Top 20: Skandi Girlz #38 (It’s a novelty version of the Can Can. Torpor ahoy); The Zutons #37 (amiable ballad. The saxophone works nice. The album still isn’t particularly great); Blink-182 #36 (nice synth lines, but not much else—likable, but not as good as The Zutons); 100% #28 (here’s a cover version of a disco song in the disco style. It’s… I really, really don’t care. Stop singing about the weekend. SHUT UP); Damien Rice #27 (it’s a slow, painful ballad. It’s also shit); Goldie Lookin’ Chain #22 (taking the piss out of smooveness, in a moderately irritating manner. But “I’ll buy you ten fags on a daytrip to Caerphilly” is actually quite a good line); and Electric Six #21 (they return via covering ‘Radio Gaga’. It’s a hit. Sort of. See, the lyrics could be seen as a biting commentary on Radio 1. But the video features singer man dancing on Freddie Mercury’s grave, so that’s that then).
THE UK TOP 20: WITH SLEIGH BELLS ON
20) CHRISTINA AGUILERA & MISSY ELLIOTT – Car Wash
So this is the Christmas chart. Later, Avid Merrion, Cliff Richard, Ronan Keating and SO MUCH FUCKING MORE but meanwhile here’s this. I am currently trying to think of a way to make this interesting. I’m not sure there is one.
19) JAY-Z vs. LINKIN PARK – Encore/Numb
Oh yeah, and Morrissey. Plus THE FIRST EVER DOWNLOAD CHART CHRISTMAS NUMBER ONE. This is history. So here, for the fourth, fifth week… maybe even more… it’s so cack it defies counting.
18) ROBBIE WILLIAMS – Misunderstood
I’m not in a good mood. You may have noticed. No, this song isn’t helping.
Christ, it’s boring. We don’t understand him. We weren’t meant to understand him. And that’s why all the rhymes are so depressingly forced and it is all so staggeringly caaaack.
17) EMINEM – Just Lose It
If we’re looking at the Zutons and Goldie Lookin’ Chain as being the highlights of the chart thus far… would you understand where I’m coming from?
16) SNOOP DOGG ft. PHARRELL – Drop It Like It’s Hot
This is good. Snoop brags about wearing his own clothes and driving his own car. I’m guessing the album version might be slightly different.
15) UNITING NATIONS – Out Of Touch
The football… we lost 5-1. To Spurs. Harry wants to sell most of the squad. That, or put them down humanely. And then buy… some people. That’s in January, though. For now, we’re losing 5-1 to Spurs.
14) NELLY ft. CHRISTINA AGUILERA – Tilt Ya Head Back
Let’s be finding pleasure where we can, then.
13) CLIFF RICHARD – I Cannot Give You My Love (NEW ENTRY)
He’s got backing vocals off Barry Gibb. As such, this sounds like the Bee Gees doing a Cliff Richard song. I think he might be singing about Jesus, but what with this being Christmas and him being Cliff you can never be too sure.
12) GWEN STEFANI – What You Waiting For?
The John Peel Tribute Concert Night On Radio 1. It’s all quite good if you can tolerate Mary Ann Hobbs and Steve Lamacq, but the best bit—Part 3. Shitmat and DJ Scotch Egg. Fuck yeah.
11) NATASHA BEDINGFIELD – Unwritten
And this really isn’t very good either. The chorus is particularly ming. That crash at the start is particularly Fame Academy-esque. Alex Parks was better than this.
Band Aid 20 are the download number one, shockingly.
10) MORRISSEY – I Have Forgiven Jesus (NEW ENTRY)
Yes, I see what he has done. This is Moz’s fourth top ten hit this year. I am now willing to accept that the Nipper may have had a point. It’s… not too bad, really. Bit ploddy, but better than ‘Let Me Kiss You’.
9) GIRLS ALOUD – I’ll Stand By You
Man, this and ‘Jump’? It’s like the top 40’s played all the good songs off the album! Now no one will buy it because they’ve heard all it’s got to offer! Oh MAN!
(I kid, obv. But ‘Graffiti My Soul’ and ‘Wake Me Up’ and ‘Big Brother’ and ‘I Say A Prayer For You’ and ‘Thank Me Daddy’ and so on and so forth… are better. Though this is still fucking ace.)
8) GREEN DAY – Boulevard Of Broken Dreams
And this is really sounding lovely this week too. Very enjoyable in an Avwiw-cruncher type of way, the extra-portent on the ending guitars is feeling fucking lush… OK, I’m in.
7) LEMAR – If There’s Any Justice
This was rejected by someone or other. Popbitch said so. It presumably involved drugs or gay sex. Let’s have a snowman.
6) DESTINY’S CHILD – Lose My Breath
This is the second time this has been played this afternoon, not including the amount of times they played the jingle for their competition with this as the backing music or something. I’m not feeling that charitable to it.
5) BO! SELECTA – I Got You Babe (NEW ENTRY)
Avid Merrion, Davina McCall and Patsy Kensit… fuck it. I am very much contemplating turning the radio off. He does comedy foreign accent. They can’t sing very much. I hate students. I mostly fear that this is gonna be leaving the chart very, very slowly. This must end.
The centrepiece of ITV’s Christmas Day schedule is Midsomer Murders. Channel 5? CSI. I don’t think I want to watch television ever again.
4) ICE CUBE ft. MACK 10 & MISS TOI – You Can Do It
In that context, Ice Cube has suddenly become the best thing ever.
Hang on—MACK 10 IS ON THIS WEEK! He don’t rent, he buy shit! That’s about as good as he gets, but still.
3) KYLIE – I Believe In You
And this is where the train’s stopping for this week. Sit back and enjoy this. Cos the ending… will be messy.
2) RONAN KEATING ft. YUSUF ISLAM – Father and Son (NEW ENTRY)
Cos, you see, he did this with Boyzone, so it’s history or meta or clever or something. It’s kept from being the worst Irish single in the top 40 by the presence of Damien Rice. It’s a nice song. But… Ronan Keating. For fuck’s sake. He sounds close to tears throughout. This, to be fair, is a notch up from sounding constipated like he usually does. And but for Band Aid, this would’ve been Christmas number one. Meh.
1) BAND AID 20 – Do They Know It’s Christmas?
Here’s Christmas in Sudan, then. Quite frankly, it’s terrifying. Last week, two Save The Children workers were shot dead. It’d be nice if Band Aid 20 were raising awareness of this… which it is trying to do…
But by my word, this record is awful. Bono is the worst thing, his horrendous slopping out of ‘his line’ so self-referential, so “THIS IS HISTORY!” it makes you want to weep for all the wrong reasons. They have Bob Geldof on afterwards, and he is at great pains to point out that this is a political statement, a political thing, he brings up the G8 meeting in the UK next year… are people listening? You can’t tell. Geldof tells people moaning about the quality to “Shut up. The four people in this room could’ve made it, and it’d still be worth buying.” Wes tells him that we’re out of time then moves on to Steve off X-Factor releasing his new single.
It’s being treated as a gathering of people to make a record, and that’s how the news seems to be reporting it, this group of people—hey, didn’t we all have some crazy hair in 1984!—who are all famous make a record. Meanwhile, Darfur is the world’s worst humanitarian crisis. Wes doesn’t seem to take it seriously. This is pop! Taking it seriously… yes, these words are coming from my fingers, aren’t they? Geldof says that to do Live Aid again he wouldn’t make it about good bands, just the popular ones. Good point. Get the money in. Where does the money go? Well, Wes and BBC News and whoever else don’t seem too bothered with telling us. Here’s Jamelia. Hasn’t she got lovely legs?
I’ve no idea what’s got into me. This record is depressing. Call to arms? It should be. It so fucking isn’t, though. No, this isn’t helping. What’s the message? “Hello, you may remember us from such records as That One With The Piano and That One Off The Golf Coverage.” It hasn’t bought Africa to the world’s attention, it’s bought Band Aid to the world’s attention.
But is that only because we choose to see it that way? I don’t know. Something about this record does not feel right. This is not the only charity in the world, but the way it all sounds…
This column’s having next week off cos next week is the big end-year article. I’d best be getting started. Merry Christmas, wherever you are.