The Singles Jukebox
It's Got To Be-ee-ee-ee-ee...



album Chart Notes: No new entries, so instead Radio 1's launching a competition to find out what we, THE PUBLIC, think the best number one ever is. Now, given the ever-slipping relevancy of a UK Top 40 column in this age where no fucker ever buys singles, I've decided we're going to do a campaign. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you our candidate:



Yes, 'Perfect' by Fairground Attraction. And given how boring this week's chart is set to be, I may even be able to come up with some reasons why. To start with—I had no idea it was actually a number one. Apparently so, though. Also, there were a wide variety of vaguely average Scottish folky-rocky-poppy bands in the eighties, but as far as I can gather only Fairground Attraction had a number one single. Hence, a vote for 'Perfect' is a vote to really annoy Runrig, Deacon Blue and Del Amitri, to mention but three.

(There's lots of albums going up the chart this week, including Joss Stone, Katie Melua, Kasabian and Franz Ferdinand, none of whom have as yet made a record as good as 'Perfect' by Fairground Attraction. Probably.)

Owing to the lack of album chart activity, 'Confide In Me' gets an airing. It's rather marvellous, isn't it?

And our #1 album—Scissor Sisters! Yes, on the very last day of the year they overtook Keane to become the biggest selling album of the year and so all was right with the world.

Meanwhile—here's a trailer for Radio 1's HOT TIPS 2005. These hot tips being Coldplay, Stereophonics and The Foo Fighters.



New entries outside the Top 20: Urban Cookie Collective #31 (remixed and re-released for the '05! As such, now sounds like it was recorded in, ooh, 1995. Utterly ignorable) and that's it. They've just played a trailer for 6 Music where Marc 'Lard' Riley alleges that 'Take Me Out' is ripping off 'At Home He's A Tourist'. Thus, for the first time ever, Gang Of Four make it onto the Top 40.

THE UK TOP 20: A VOTE AGAINST 'PERFECT' IS, EFFECTIVELY, A VOTE FOR 'IF I WAS' BY MIDGE URE, WHICH IS BLOODY HORRIBLE

20) SNOOP DOGG ft. PHARRELL – Drop It Like It's Hot

There are seven or eight new entries in the top 20, so I may have to write things. How inconvenient.

19) NELLY & CHRISTINA AGUILERA – Tilt Ya Head Back

Oh yeah, and whilst we were away—Steve Brookstein off The X-Factor (popular talent contest television programme that IS NOT RIPPING OFF POP IDOL IN ANY WAY) became the 998th #1 in UK chart history, and there were chart entries for Lethal Bizzle (#11 a couple weeks ago), Jet (#37 last week) and Secret Machines (#38 last week). I don't honestly think you missed anything, though the Lethal Bizzle single was pretty good.

18) INTERPOL – Evil (NEW ENTRY)

I have absolutely nothing to say about this single. Honestly. I've just listened to it and… so? This is probably the first time Matador have had a top twenty single in the UK. I saw them live and thought they were really good, but this is just… dull. Nice dull, but dull.

17) SEAGULL SKA – Tom Hark (We Want Falmer) (NEW ENTRY)

Brighton & Hove Albion fans record single to campaign for planning permission to construct a new ground. It sounds a bit like The Zutons.

16) JAY-Z vs. LINKIN PARK – Encore/Numb

And it's FA Cup 3rd Round weekend, which was great because it meant I spent much of yesterday crying tears of joy at this:



15) ICE CUBE ft. MACK 10 & MISS TOI – You Can Do It

Oh, and it meant Southampton got a win for the first time in fuck knows how long, as we beat Northampton 3-1. Just like Saint Etienne, nothing can stop us now. Probably.

14) LEMAR – If There's Any Justice

I got a lava lamp for Christmas. They're a bit disappointing, aren't they? I mean, it looks nice, but it's not terribly bright.

It's quite nice watching the lumps of oil melting when they hit the bottom, though.

13) RONAN KEATING ft. YUSUF – Father & Son

Incidentally, if you've not yet read this column's article on the best singles of last year, why not go and have a gander at it? There's a very nice picture of Tyler James up the top, but why not read some of the words as well? There's more than enough to go round…

12) GWEN STEFANI – What You Waiting For?

The World Darts Final is just about to start. In light of that, this matters even less than it usually does.

11) KYLIE – I Believe In You

Oh look, John Walton's wearing a suit. How nice.

Jesus Christ, Bobby George is wearing a tie. He's also wearing a gold chain over the top of this tie. I believe the words are 'bloody hell'.

Juliette Ferrington reveals that last night, Martin Adams (one of the players in the final tonight, the other being Raymond 'Barney' van Barneveld) 'ate dinner'.

Meanwhile, back in the world of What I'm Supposed To Be Paying Attention To, someone's rung in to say his and his partner's favourite ever number one single is 'Imagine' by John Lennon, which is then played. I'm as impressed as you'd expect.

10) UNITING NATIONS – Out Of Touch

Oh, and while we were away this clambered into the top 10. Did I point out that it had a xylophone before? Cos it does, and it's quite good.

Martin Adams' nickname is 'Wolfie', because he has a beard and frightening teeth. This is leading to the commentators making various dreadful wolf-related puns, viz.: "He can really PACK them in."

9) GREEN DAY – Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

The title of this was used by another sports commentator last night, talking about one of the FA Cup games. He reckoned some lower division team (possibly Scunthorpe, who lost 3-1 to Chelsea) were 'standing proud on the boulevard of broken dreams'. This made roughly no sense.

8) KASABIAN – Cutt Off (NEW ENTRY)

"John was a scientist, he was hooked on LSD." Overproduced mediocre indie schlopp. I don't care what keyboard noises you glue on, this is XFM daytime bollocks, indistinguishable from anything put out by, say, Regular Fries or Kula Shaker or those thousands of bands that have this one single that gets played on XFM loads and gets to about #63 and is used to soundtrack an advert for extended weekend pay-as-you-go talktime or some other shit and then vanish to re-surface next year in another band who sound the same but even worse and with a trumpet or something.

7) DANA RAYNE – Object Of My Desire (NEW ENTRY)

Italian-American vocalist does Northern House, nicks the "JA JA JA!" bit off 'Rock Me Amadeus', all very so so, and infinitely preferable to bloody Kasabian.

6) BAND AID 20 – Do They Know It's Christmas?

Uhhh! It's JANUARY!!! UHHHH!!!

In the darts, Adams takes the first set and is doing a marvellous job of looking like he doesn't really care. Best of eleven. It'll probably be about halfway through by the time this chart finishes.

5) SCISSOR SISTERS – Filthy/Gorgeous (NEW ENTRY)

This used to be called 'Filthy & Gorgeous', didn't it? And it used to have a bit in the middle where Ana Matronic did some talking about how pretty she is and how nice her shoes are. Now, the words 'acid' and 'bastard' are bleeped out. It's not really a single, and yet it's their first top 5 hit. January, eh? Never mind.

4) ERASURE – Breathe (NEW ENTRY)

Yes, that Erasure. This is a slow, expansive one. "Breathe, I believe." It's very nice, almost sort of Hidden Cameras-esque, except replacing lyrics that are clever with lyrics that I CAN ACTUALLY MAKE OUT. I do rather like this. More next week, because at the moment:

3) IRON MAIDEN – The Number Of The Beast (NEW ENTRY)

Yes, that Iron Maiden. This is cut off early. Why? It goes haring about all over the place. There are guitar solos. Lots of them. Occasionally at the same time. Bruce Dickinson is do screaming. "SIX! SIX SIX!" The chart is vaguely embarrassed. Fuck the chart.

2) STEVE BROOKSTEIN – Against All Odds

DO YOU SEE BECAUSE HE HAS WON 'THE X FACTOR' AND IT WAS A FUCKING STRUGGLE AND HE SOUNDS LIKE A PETER COX IMPERSONATOR AND WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE WANT TO IMPERSONATE PETER COX? Insipid drivel. I don't even know what 'insipid' really means, but by god is this ever it.

Failure to vote for 'Perfect' by Fairground Attraction only increases Steve Brookstein's chances of being the UK's favourite number one ever. Another reason to vote for Eddi and the boys—it's one of the very, very few songs you can see your parents dance to at a wedding and not feel embarrassed by. The tempo is right (this rules out, for instance, 'Brimful Of Asha', 'Boom Boom Boom' and 'Toca's Miracle') there's actually a half-decent chance the DJ will have a copy (cf. 'Johnny Remember Me', 'Rubber Bullets', 'All Kinds Of Everything'), and it's quite nice to dance to. I've just been softly shuffling across my floor to it. It really is a very good song.

1) ELVIS PRESLEY – Jailhouse Rock (NEW ENTRY)

So, depending on how you look at it, the race for the 1000th number one has either been given sheen or been pissed on by A Record Company's decision to re-release Elvis' number ones each week for the first 18 weeks of 2005. That, however, is to forget that 'Jailhouse Rock' is really good. The intro—*b'doom-doom… b'doom-doom…*—ooh. That just suddenly sounded incredibly fresh, new, exciting. Elvis is young, and Elvis is fucking yowling. He completely fails to pace himself and sounds knackered about midway through the first line. He tears on. "YORRA CYOODISS JAYYLBURR THARRA EVVUH DID SEE!" It swings, swaying and slapping around drunkenly as the piano rattles along and Elvis is storming on through. Never loved Elvis. Might reconsider.

And finally, because this poll for Greatest Number One Ever doesn't have much bearing on anything aside from creating an 'And Finally…' item for the news, it's got to be-ee-ee-ee-ee…

'Perfect'.

Yeah!



By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2005-01-10
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