The Singles Jukebox
I! Have A Chart-O!



album chart notes: Missed all this as was in service station eating something. Guns ‘n’ Roses #1 again, new entries for a record by The Who (#5) and The Pixies Best Of (#16). And possibly some other wacky shit.

New entries outside the top 20: Tali #39 (disjointed drum ‘n’ bass-ing – without the vocals Peel would play it, but no-one else would – with the vocals, Colin and Edith like it. I swear I just made a really clever point there, but I’ve no idea what it was); Auf der Maur #33 (introduced as ‘the former bass player in Courtney Love’s band The Hole’ by Wes. Didn’t pay attention to the song due to obvious hilarity/driving down a motorway with radio on very low volume while mum and dad discussed canals); Tiesto ft. BT #30 (as above, but without the comment or resulting obvious hilarity); Graham Coxon #22 (sweet-hearted stumblebum jangly indie that sounds a little like ‘Coffee & TV’ in that it features the voice of Graham Coxon and isn’t particularly moody or anything. Probably write more later, eh?)

THE UK TOP 20: BAHN BAHN BAHN ON THE AUTOBAHN (VIA NORTHWICH)

20) GABRIELLE – Stay The Same (NEW ENTRY)

So, after the quiet comes a deluge of rather large new releases throughout May and June. But in the meantime, here’s Gabrielle. She’s bought an acoustic guitar along. You missed nothing.

19) BOOGIE PIMPS – Sunny

Listened to most of this chart in a car on the way back from Leeds with parents and one of my brothers. Around the time we got to Euston, this comes on, and mum starts singing along. But she can’t remember the words. “Sunny, deedle-ah-di-dee… sunny, you came into my life – yesterday my life…” The pain was not really eased by this.

18) LOSTPROPHETS – Wake Up (Make A Move) (NEW ENTRY)

Or this, actually. Now, for some reason, I didn’t hate ‘Last Train Home’. This, however, is bloody awful. Singer-man who is possibly called Ian whoans (whine + moan = whoan. Geddit? Ian Woan? Yes?) about how we all have to wake up and he is sick of waiting and it is time to make a move and and and… The backing is standard-issue MOR-metal and could probably do with being kicked under the table. Rubbish.

17) DJ CASPER – Cha-Cha Slide

For our American viewers, this is Ian Woan:



He used to be quite good back in the mid-90’s if I remember right. However, now he is old. That’s him being relegated to the Conference with Shrewsbury Town last season.

16) McFLY – Five Colours In Her Hair

I suspect Lostprophets’ signer isn’t called Ian, actually.

15) SPECIAL D – Come With Me

At this point a competent person would check that. Me, though, I prefer to stretch out an entirely coincidental remark about Ian Woan over three entries cos I’m in a bit of a hurry.

14) GUNTHER & THE SUNSHINE GIRLS – Ding Dong Song (NEW ENTRY)

Hmm. Supposed to have been a major hit across Europe. We, however, are far too sophisticated for a man making groaning noises and going on about ‘you touched my tra-la-la’ over some backing he nicked out of a skip outside the Vengaboys’ lock-up.

13) ASH – Orpheus (NEW ENTRY)

For instance, here’s Ash being not as good as they used to be. This is supposedly a newer, heavier sound for them. What this means is Tim Wheeler makes a yelping noise at the start of the song and they’ve got a riff that seems specifically designed to soundtrack a feature about kicking Peugeots on ‘Men & Motors’. And then it’s all a bit like ‘Burn Baby Burn’ except, well, lamer. Oh well.

12) BUSTED – Air Hostess

Fuck man, we so refined. Later on, Jon Culshaw impersonates Neil Ruddock via laughing very loudly and then explaining that he is Neil Ruddock and he is laughing very loudly. And then laughing very loudly again. That is some fucking intricate shit.

11) USHER – Yeah

Also noticed – in the video for this, when Usher is led to the floor by the woman, his amazing dance moves appear to solely consist of standing still and letting her grind really hard on his legs. Hmm. Then Li’l Jon shouts something and Usher starts rubbing his lapels in a deeply sensuous manner. Though I may have made that bit up.

10) THE STREETS – Fit But You Know It

First – those saying ‘Dry Your Eyes’ will be number one have a very big point. Second – This is good, but it’s even better when remixed by The Futureheads, because every song is improved when its chorus is yelled very fast by some English Lit students from Sunderland who are trying to play like Talking Heads.

9) MAROON 5 – This Love

For instance: “This lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove! Has taken! Its! Tollonme!”

8) THE RASMUS – In The Shadows

“I’d rather killmyself!” “BANG!” “BANG!” “BANG!” “Because I don’t wanttowanttowanttowantto BE-YOUR-SLAVE!”

7) ANASTACIA – Left Outside Alone

“I left you OUT-SIDE-A-LONE!” “Cos it is pissing down!” “I left you OUT-SIDE-A-LONE!” “Now you are free-zing!” “I left you OUT-SIDE-A-LONE!” “You have pneumon-ia!” “I left you OUT-SIDE-A-LONE!” “Your toes have FALL-EN-OFF!”

6) D12 – My Band

“MAN!” “MAN!” “MAN!” “We are suppOSED tobecrew!” “MAN!” “MAN!” “MAN!”

5) RONAN KEATING & LEANN RIMES – Last Thing On My Mind (NEW ENTRY)

No.

4) KEANE – Everybody’s Changing (NEW ENTRY)

Dammit, I rattle through everything else, finishing post in sight… and a record I’d like to write a bit about comes up. Eh, leave it till next week, it’s probably not going anywhere.

3) NATASHA BEDINGFIELD – Single (NEW ENTRY)

You see, what would be great would be if this was like the Frankee single, i.e. a response to one of Daniel Bedingfield’s singles. ‘Friday’, for instance, wherein Natasha might say that she’s coming back on Friday and if Daniel’s not fixed the thermostat she’s going to be really fucked off. But no, what we have here is a song about not wanting a man and being happy being single that has a really peculiar squonked beat under it that doesn’t sound much like anything else and which it desperately wants you to be impressed by without actually giving any reason for it. Natasha, meanwhile, shouts in the manner of her brother if-he-was-a-girl-and-not-just-given-to-sounding-like-one-on-occasion (the amount of time I thought it was a woman singing ‘Gotta Get Through This’… crumbs…). It’s meant to be big and clever, but there’s nothing to actually care about for those who aren’t interested in engineering, so it ends up becoming a very great drudge.

2) CHRISTINA MILIAN – Dip It Low (NEW ENTRY)

On similar but not identical lines, here’s Christina Milian and her peculiar fally-down dance move. Here, though, I find my emotions a bit more conflicted or something, so, again, we leave it to next week. It’s all a bit rushed – apparently I have some typing to do. Eek.

1) EAMON – Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back)

And anyway, it really is all about next week. Eamon’s #1 for a month now, and the record most likely to knock him off? Frankee’s reply to this, ‘F. U. Right Back’. Who will win? I couldn’t really say I cared either way, actually, but we’ve not had a proper ol’ chart battle in ages, so I might as well try and get excited.



By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2004-05-10
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