The Singles Jukebox
I Dislike Big Butts



album Chart Notes: THEY PLAY ‘BRING ME TO LIFE’!!! cos Evanescence have gone up two to #5 due to HMV selling Fallen quite cheap, though that same factor also helps Dido, which is less good. She’s number one again anyway, and there aren’t any new entries, thus giving the album chart a hat-trick of weeks in which fuck all has happened.

New Entries Outside The Top 20: Peaches ft. Iggy Pop #39 (Peaches perves on Iggy, he is a bit turned on, or something. Odd. But quite enjoyable); and REM #33 (sounds like another REM song, can’t quite remember which one, possibly The Great Beyond. Good though).

THE UK TOP 20: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT BOYS LIKE

20) FLIP ‘N’ FILL – Irish Blue (NEW ENTRY)

A Flip ‘N’ Fill single, like more or less all their other singles. S’pose it pays the bills, eh? Anyway, it has a man singing about how “Irish blue is the colour that blows my mind” over BANGING. Like Ultrabeat but a bit better.

19) S CLUB 8 – Don’t Tell Me You’re Sorry

It’s so very close to being alright, then they decide to be Timberlake. Fff. Perhaps this makes a change from being Robbie. Because he’s gone away to reinvent himself, again. Oh good.

18) SHANE RICHIE – I’m Your Man

Interestingly, does his jingle as ‘Alfie’. Possibly aware that since doing the Eastenders Christmas Special as himself, public enthusiasm for ‘Shane Richie’ may have fallen off a touch. Anyway, we’ve taken down the tree, this can go away now.

(for Americans who do not get the references in this entry, do not worry. You don’t need or want to know)

17) ATOMIC KITTEN – Ladies Night

One of them does a grunting noise in the middle of this song and it sounds exactly like the grunting noise Bros made in ‘When Will I Be Famous?’ The rest of the song is quite the letdown.

16) SOPHIE ELLIS-BEXTOR – I Won’t Change You

For no apparent reason this has just reminded me that Alistair Griffin’s piece of shit is still to come. Hmm.

Her cover of ‘Yes Sir, I Can Boogie’ was quite good, by the way. It was a live version from (I presume) G.A.Y., so it featured Sophie doing the patter with the punters. She was quite good at it. Stilted, but she certainly sounded like she was enjoying herself, which is the important thing, really. Probably. It was better than this, anyhow.

15) SUGABABES – Too Lost In You

Quite good.

14) ULTRABEAT – Feelin’ Fine

Quite shite.

This is tricky. It’s a slow week this week, and it might well be next week too. Traditionally January doesn’t see much singles action, and a cursory glance at The Radio 1 A-List reveals a total of five singles that haven’t been released yet, with three that departed the chart a very long time ago (Jay-Z didn’t even go top thirty). Lean times ahead…

13) ALISTAIR GRIFFIN – Bring It On

… so no, I didn’t really need this.

12) BASEMENT JAXX – Good Luck (NEW ENTRY)

TOP SCREAMING! Her from the Bellrays is angry at her man for leaving her for another woman, so she decides she’s going to bring him death by TERRORRRRR! She howls at him over glooping bass, distorted strings and brassiness, and this fantastic snatch of high-pitched gargle-screaming, like the Oompa-Loompas at Halloween. Very, very nice.

11) MOTORCYCLE ft. ROXANNE WILDE – As The Rush Comes (NEW ENTRY)

Kim Wilde’s daughter comprehensively fails to be as good as her mum by being on a song that sounds like Chicane or Deepest Blue if they were really, really bored. Even more than they usually are. 2004’s first forgotten top 20 song? Look no further.

10) WILL YOUNG – Leave Right Now

Now I’m waiting for the BBC to get their darts stream running, cos I don’t want to miss the World Championship final. Not for this anyway.

9) OUTKAST – Hey Ya

Goes up five. And why not? Didn’t make #1 first time round, so it only seems fair…

Having just re-read the BBC Sport website, I am now slightly concerned they might not be streaming the final after all. Oh dear.

8) BLACK EYED PEAS – Shut Up

Wes does tedious link over the top of the intro to this. That is exactly as fun as it sounds.

Realised via the video to this that the only thing The Other One gets to do in this song is get pissed off at Fergie and Horseface yelling at each other. Tragic really. Probably.

7) VICTORIA BECKHAM – This Groove/Let Your Head Go

Four new entries to come, three very good, one awful. Possibly foreshadowing their performance, Wes plays ‘This Groove’ again this week.

6) SEAN PAUL ft. SASHA – I’m Still In Love With You (NEW ENTRY)

And we have darts, and we have a lovely single, as Sean-eh goes back to his roots. By which I mean this has trumpets and a piano as opposed to bleeping noises and wobbly synth bits. Still the same beat all the way through, Sasha dissatisfied with Sean because she doesn’t think he’s very good at kissing, but she still loves him. Sean still loves her too. They love each other, and the backing skanks very agreeably, so it’s all niceness really.

5) BOOGIE PIMPS – Somebody To Love (NEW ENTRY)

Jefferson Airplane get crushed by house. Backing odd, have decided it sounds like ‘pans’, and am not sure why. Perhaps I have some deeply unresolved issue with washing-up from my childhood, hmm? The woman sounds like she’s singing whilst sucking something through a straw. And as such, this is obviously magic.

4) OZZY & KELLY OSBOURNE – Changes

Like I said, I have got the darts stream running after all. Andy Fordham leads 2 sets to 1 as I write. This is good, because I like him.

3) KELIS – Milkshake (NEW ENTRY)

This year’s Kelis career renaissance involves her singing about how she is better at sex than you are over a beat that sounds like quite a few things the Neptunes have done before – currently thinking ‘Lapdance’ sped up a bit. Has a very nice ‘la-la, la la, laaah’ bit for the hook, though, and it’s quite good overall. Done well, yes. Hmm.

2) MICHAEL ANDREWS ft. GARY JULES – Mad World

Christmas is over, if you want it.

1) MICHELLE McMANUS – All This Time (NEW ENTRY)

Oh dear. This is Your Pop Idol 2, and her first single sounds like… Kym Marsh. In fact, the tune sounds like a slowed-down version of ‘Pure And Simple’, Hear’say’s debut single, which was already pretty slow itself, and the lyrics are tripe about how hard they’ve had to work for fame (I say ‘they’ – the runner-up, Mark Rhodes, had also recorded a version of this to be his debut single in case he won). “I’ve waited a lifetime for today,” sings Michelle. Michelle is 22 years old. Her voice sounds like that of the girl-band member that only sings on the chorus. Worst number one of 2004, and likely to stay that way for a very long time.


By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2004-01-12
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