The Singles Jukebox
Hmmphty Dmmphty



album Chart Notes: Missed most of this, but I gather the NERD album did quite well. They play “Drill Sergeant”, and it sounds quite good. Congratulations Pharrell, you blatantly have The Thrills running scared now. George Michael has done a new version of “Freeek!” for 2004. It still contains the line “I think I need a re-booty”, and as such remains terrible. I think Usher was number one, but I was having to do something for someone else at that point.

Someone is playing a song by Janet Jackson at this juncture. I missed out on why cos Mum wanted me to explain how the development of the potteries aided the Industrial Revolution. Then she wanted to know how to spell “enhanced”. My mum is a primary school teacher.

New entries outside the top 20: Travis #28 (song from the Post Office ads, and oh, how it sounds like it); The Divine Comedy #25 (luvverly song about stressed businessman vs. life, Hannon doesn’t sound like as much of a twat as he sometimes has occasion to do, plus—on the chorus—LAUREN LAVERNE! LAUREN LAVERNE! LAUREN LAVERNE! Well, only once, but fuck that, it’s Laverne, on the radio, and she’s not having to be enthusiastic about Muse! Yay! My brother confuses this with Sing Sing. The fact that my brother’s confusing anything with Sing Sing cheers me greatly, but this song pretty much deserves the accolade. Very nice); Missy Elliott #22 (Is it that she’s rubbish now or just not as good as “Get Ur Freak On” or “Work It”? Anyway. This record thinks you should be arsed about it, and, y’know, it’s better than Marques Houston or whoever. But… it’s like Eminem these days. Please stop talking about how special you are, and actually start being special again. That’d be nice); and Delays #21 (my 31st most favourite single of last year, and it still sounds very good, i.e. it sounds like Lush. They’ve called their album Faded Seaside Glamour and their singer is a very unwell-looking blonde waify-man. Basically, they’re the Clearlake it’s OK to make popular, for some reason, despite the fact that Clearlake are better than they are. Clearlake do songs about jumble sales. This is lovely, though).

THE UK TOP 20: THE DINNER MAN COMETH

20) GEORGE MICHAEL – Amazing

Lots of things gone from the top 20 this week. But not this. Hmmph.

19) KYLIE MINOGUE – Red Blooded Woman

This is still here too. Again, hmmph.

18) BEENIE MAN ft. MISS THING – Dude

OK, perhaps these things come and go in waves or something, but didn’t the lower end of the top 20 used to be quite good once in a while? This is at least two weeks in a row that it’s been dull as piss. It’s singles in general though. This time last year the songs that hung round for ages were “Move Your Feet” and “In Da Club”… this has only been on the chart for a month at most. That is still too long. It’s a poor year for singles that chart high, this year. Well, thus far anyway.

17) FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE – Stacey’s Mom

That said, I do like this, since the Fountains quite simply Are Not Meant To Be Here.

16) BLACK EYED PEAS – Hey Mama

Not sure if Wes makes the link between the titles of this song and the previous one, cos I was eating dinner at the time.

15) PETER ANDRE – Mysterious Girl

Here’s a thought. Why has no one asked Crispian Mills out of Kula Shaker to do reality TV yet? He’d be great! In a sort of not-that-great kind of way. Confusing, then. Which, in modern TV terms, is probably shorthand for ‘great’. So he’d be ‘great’! Yeah, that’ll work.

14) ENRIQUE IGLESIAS ft. KELIS – Not In Love

The Bluetones, they’d be great at it too. Mark Morriss could be the new… Mark Owen! Or get on the cover of OK!, at least, which would be a bit fucked really.

13) JENNIFER LOPEZ – Baby I Love You

Entire video seemingly shot through haze of PVA glue. Rather like Atomic Kitten’s new video, yet not quite so hilarious.

12) JAMELIA – Thank You

Jamelia is pretty. Paul Sturrock:



isn’t. But they both get the job done:



Us 1-0 Spurs, and if Mr Sturrock can get Rory Delap to do that every week, then he is a very fine man indeed.

11) WILL YOUNG – Your Game

This really is very excellent, isn’t it? So obviously it only gets one week in the top 10. There hasn’t been a better chorus all year, and the way things are going, there probably won’t be one the rest of the year either. Ho-hum.

10) NERD – She Wants To Move

Bastard TOTP. I mean not to watch it, but the fact it usually has the odd decent song on and there really is fuck all else on means I keep seeing it. Anyway, NERD were on it this week, and they were OK. Basement Jaxx and JC Chasez, however, were bloody amazing, “Plug It In” dunn live was really rather spectacular. And loud. It’s out next week, and fingers crossed it’s got a shot at #1… yes, today commences ‘”Pretend That McFly Aren’t Blatantly Going To Be #1 Next Week” Week. It’s out tomorrow. Get it. Everyone keeps saying it’s a piece of piss to get to #1 these days, and at some point this year that has to work in favour of a half-decent record…

9) KANYE WEST – Through The Wire (NEW ENTRY)

Oh dear. This is the hot-shit feller of our times, isn’t it? And… I’ve forgotten it. Erm, there’s the ultra-squeaky voiced hook sample—so far, so Scooter, so good—and then he starts rapping, and I forget what happened next. I am aware he did it with his jaw wired together after having gone through a car windscreen, and there’s some stuff about hospitals… eh. Maybe next week. In the meantime, Ludacris has still never had a top 10 single where he’s not doing a guest vocal.

8) SUGABABES – In The Middle (NEW ENTRY)

I’m like a fucking sieve this afternoon. Right, “caught up in the middle, jumping through the riddle, falling just a little” etc. And it sounds like a Sugababes single. They all sing a bit. I preferred it to Kanye West… that’s about it.

7) OUTKAST – The Way You Move (NEW ENTRY)

Not that spectacular a song really, but it’s alright. Big Boi’s rapping is rather non-descript, he goes on about the bass and stuff… basically, I like this because I enjoy the way he tugs the lapels on his jacket in the video. That’s it, more or less. Lord, but I am having a stinker …

6) BRITNEY SPEARS – Toxic

In case you didn’t get the comment about Rory Delap earlier, this is his face:



5) THE DARKNESS – Love Is Only A Feeling (NEW ENTRY)

It’s a ballad. In the video, Hawkins The Singer plays the guitar like Jon Bon Jovi. There is much stomping and chest thumping. I wish I could give a shit, but it’s not happening.

4) BLUE – Breathe Easy (NEW ENTRY)

Somehow, I’ve almost caught up with the chart. Perhaps not writing anything of interest is the key. Make a note of that for future weeks. So, keeping with earlier comments, the video for this features Duncan from Blue stopping a man from jumping off a bridge by putting his hand on the man’s shoulder. That so tells you all you need to know about this that it’s not even funny.

3) ANASTACIA – Left Outside Alone (NEW ENTRY)

This could be good. Crikey, this could be great. It opens like Evanescence, and Anastacia even does a half-decent job of singing like Amy Lee. Unfortunately, Anastacia has got a worrying tendency towards sounding like herself. In the hands of others, this would be a great record. She gargles all over the chorus, though, and you start thinking you’ve heard it all before, and it was called “I’m Outta Love”, and you didn’t think much of it then and you don’t think much of it now… pity.

2) DJ CASPER – Cha-Cha Slide

… has now become the second best single in the top 10. Yes, NERD’s alright, but having hacked through the most of this altogether rather ropey top ten, the feeling of bobbing my head to “Five hops this time!” really does take some beating.

1) USHER ft. LI’L JON & LUDACRIS – Yeah

Welcome to 2004, Usher’s top of the singles and albums charts at the same time. Fucking hell. Get the Jaxx single tomorrow. And the Scissor Sisters too. And the Pet Shop Boys. Maybe even DJ Casper if you fancy. But not this. Please. Thanks.


By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2004-03-29
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