The Singles Jukebox
Fuck The Fucking Lot Of You



album Chart Notes: No new entries in the top 20. Jamie Cullum is the new Toploader, though.



New Entries Outside The Top 20: Love Inc. #39 (cruddy Canadian house); Bernie Nolan #38 (Barbara Dickson and Elaine Paige had a hit once); MC Jig #37 (an ‘import mix’ of that Cha-Cha Slide shite); Elbow #26 (by their standards, slightly rubbish – it’s no ‘Powder Blue’, certainly); Placebo #23 (by their standards, quite good – it’s no ‘This Picture’, certainly); and JX #22 (rubbish like Love Inc, but not as Canadian).



Today’s chart is presented by Scott Mills. Don’t worry, I find him deeply irritating too.



Earlier we had the ‘Radio 1 Oscar Poll’, with the results being read out by various Radio 1 DJ’s. Radio 1’s listeners think Lord Of The Rings will win. Well done Radio 1’s listeners.



THE UK TOP 20 – I’M COLD AND I’M LONELY AND I’M JUST GENERALLY QUITE FUCKED OFF

20) MICHELLE McMANUS – All This Time

Hands up who’s tempted to get the album solely to find out if this is actually the best thing on it? No-one? Bother.

19) KATIE MELUA – The Closest Thing To Crazy

Jamie Cullum’s next single is going to chart, you do realise this? They interviewed him on the album chart. His cover of ‘Frontin’’ is playlisted by Radio 1. Norah Jones, she’ll probably have a hit too… and there’s all these articles about how great Radio 2 is, because they are playing this. It’s the new punk, clearing away all that other stuff of I-don’t-know-what, except it isn’t at all, because Radio 1’s hiring policy is still bloody awful – the Chris Moyles No-Fun-Whatsoever-A-Thon, Vernon Kay, the inexplicable rise of Colin and Edith – and on Monday night, an entire hour of Avid fucking Merrion. So what has changed? New opportunities for dull people playing dull ‘jazz’! Hey, we’ve had shit dance, and shit indie, so now the cycle turns to the jazzbos! Good grief…

18) 2PLAY ft. RAGHAV & JUCXI – So Confused

Definitely #18, I’m pretty certain of that…

17) RAGHAV – Can’t Get Enough

And this was #17, yes. Sorry, just got home from Birmingham. Birmingham was very good. Now, however, is Croydon. And that’s not much fun at all. The Raghav single is good, though.

16) RONAN KEATING – She Believes (In Me)

Why?

15) DEEPEST BLUE – Give It Away

Zero 7’s new single didn’t chart. Because obviously this lot have now filled the gap, or something. Well done them.

14) KELLY LLORENNA – This Time I Know It’s For Real (NEW ENTRY)

If you’ve already heard a song involving Kelly Llorenna, this sounds like that. If not, don’t worry, you aren’t missing anything.

13) SAM & MARK –With A Little Help From My Friends

Listen to them. They don’t actually know what they’re singing, do they? “Boys, we’re going to show you some words, just call them out as they come on the screen, K?” They’re making a whole album of this. Jesus.

12) BOOGIE PIMPS – Somebody To Love

And now I can’t think of anything to say about this (SPOILER: Peter Andre is #1, and I’m not particularly thinking much).

11) KELIS – Milkshake

This has now left the top ten (‘Real Time’: Dave Pearce says “Peter Andre #1 then, with a little help from Chris Moyles” – I’ll go into why this irks me later).

10) 50 CENT & G-UNIT – If I Can’t (NEW ENTRY)

Oh dear. Beat is this occasional piano clunk, while 50 goes over the top and either him or the radio editor decides to make it sound like every other word is missing. The stop-start clunkery is irritating after the first thirty seconds, and nigh-unbearable after about a minute. Apparently he has some trainers for sale.

9) LEMAR – Another Day (NEW ENTRY)

In which Lemar does a ballad, and it does have an eerie similarity to ‘Never Gonna Leave Your Side’. Lemar attempts some high notes which he doesn’t quite get. However, he’s a better singer than Bedingfield, and he manages to come out the other side with only minor cuts and scrapes.

8) KEANE – Somewhere Only We Know

Earlier this week I was tempted to re-evaluate my stance on Keane, thinking that all that “they’re the new Coldplay” shit was beneath me in some way. Then I heard this again. They’re the new Coldplay.

7) VS – Love You Like Mad (NEW ENTRY)

Sweet. Jesus. Christ. I have been very hateful in the rundowns this year, but trust me, this IS the worst single released this year. They’re the new Big Brovaz, yet somehow even worse. It wants to be a slow, sensuous swingbeat affair. As such, it takes a beat that sounds like MN8 or Another Level or someone, then turns the volume down really low so the people in the next room aren’t disturbed by it. Some bloke then starts singing about his girl or something, then there’s a girl who goes “Uh oh” in the Sam & Mark style. Then another bloke, though the difference between him and the first bloke isn’t apparent, then one girl, or possibly two girls, start off about how they’re going to rub ice cubes on your back or something. Let me find some lyrics – oh hang on, the ice cubes come in the ‘rap’ bit:

Drop da ice spread it all across ya face Take out da syrup spread all across ya spine I hope you don't mind but I’m about to take my time Like champagne wine expensive and divine

Right, then there’s the verses:

MAN:

When I’m with you girl I’m down with anything I like the things that we do If you know what I mean

GIRL:

The way you turn me on
To the early morn


The man and girl will later switch roles. The whole effect is about as sexy as… Keane. Possibly less so. It does need to be heard, but not by me. Not again, anyway.

6) OUTKAST – Hey Ya!

So now officially loved more by the UK than Kelis, then.

5) LMC vs. U2 – Take Me To The Clouds Above

But is it loved more than this, though? Hmm…

4) BUSTED – Who’s David

Yes, well done, you’ve matured, you sound like Feeder now, congratulations.

3) WESTLIFE – Obvious (NEW ENTRY)

Is a song, by Westlife. They want to show their love for a woman by writing a song, a love song, and… just fucking split already, yeah? Or got to Las Vegas. Just… out of my face. Please.

2) JAMELIA – Thank You (NEW ENTRY)

Yey! She-beat the-fat gits, etc. And this isn’t as good as ‘Superstar’, obviously. And as has been remarked on by an awful lot of people an awful lot of times, it’s a bit similar to ‘Fighter’. This is because –

a) it is a song

b) by a woman

c) who is being sarcastic at a man

d) who was horrible to her in the past

e) but she has come out of the other side stronger

f) thus she wins

Other than that, this is a ton better than ‘Fighter’, because:

a) it doesn’t feature Christina Aguilera’s voice

b) it doesn’t involve whoever provided the fuck-awful ROKK backing for ‘Fighter’

c) it does not feature the lines “But your joy ride just came down in flames/Cause your greed sold me out of shame”

d) Jamelia’s a much more sympathetic protagonist, somehow coming across as a much less whiney individual. The song is written in a much less “I am a SUCCESS now, LOOOOOOOOOOK, INNNNNN YORRRRRRRRR FAYEEEE-CE” fashion. The lines are mainly about the misery she endured, and are much more specific and graphic in their detail of the abuse she suffered, as opposed to Aguilera’s “you are a NASTY PERSON”-ing. It’s a strange combination, but it works to make the song somehow feel more personal and at the same time also more accessible – it’s about the situation, not the singer.

A good song, but in the context of this afternoon, heaven-sent.

1) PETER ANDRE – Mysterious Girl (NEW ENTRY)

Cos at number one… this is not an especially bad song. As tacky mid-90’s pop-reggae goes, it’s OK. But it’s the context… this is an ‘ironic’ number one. For those who don’t know, Australian singer Peter Andre was re-catapulted to fame over here via the TV programme ‘I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!’ (fun sub-game – how many witty puns of the name can you come up with? The national average is 12), wherein faded celebrities get put in a jungle in Australia somewhere and eat bugs or something. Anyway, his appearance on this ‘triggered’ Radio 1 breakfast DJ Chris Moyles to start playing ‘Mysterious Girl’ (#2 hit in June 1996) and call for its re-release. From then on Andre began being touted by everyone with glances so sidelong they… (punchline TBC) Every fucker on the block was lining up to get themselves a slice of irony pie. Tim Kash introduced him on TOTP as ‘the one, the only, the legendary…’ And it makes me want to fucking scream. This song is at #1 so Britain can think it’s being funny. This song is at #1 because Chris Moyles’ tenure of the Radio 1 Breakfast Show is so utterly charmless and uninspired that he needs something to latch on to then dump. So he’s got Peter Andre to #1, so that makes him a fucking wit or something? This is utterly loveless, putting Andre on a pedestal they’re more than ready to kick the shit out of the moment he looks away, or earlier if it is deemed necessary. Worse, Peter seems to think this might in some way trigger a re-igniting of his career. He does seem to understand that ‘Mysterious Girl’’s revival is joke, but then he reckons that Britain is going to be ready to take him seriously with the next single and his future work. Christ, this is depressing…

The song itself is all rather secondary. Better than Sam & Mark, though.


By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2004-03-01
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