The Singles Jukebox
Dulltastic



album Chart Notes: Right, so I've come in just in time for Bloc Party's grand debut at #3. They play 'So Here We Are'. Shoegaze is back and I feel fine.

Today's guest hosts are Scott Mills and Nemone. Nemone is alright, Mills less so. It's a bit better than VERNON FUCKING KAY and DJ SODDING SPOONY though.

Scissor Sisters go back to #1.

New Entries Outside The Top 20: New Rhodes #38 (solid indie jangle); Mark Joseph #36 (Yeah, I went through a phase of listening to Virgin Radio too—they played the Specials! This… is surprisingly OK. If I listened to it more than twice…); Death From Above 1979 #33 (rather good big shouty American rock shouting For Men); Biffy Clyro #27 (still not particularly wonderful, but bless 'em for trying); Trick Daddy ft. Li'l Jon & Twista #26 (quite decent crunkerizing. But really slow. Is that the point?); and Willy Mason #23 (Poptext Girl is going to hurt me if I'm not nice about this boy, but she needn't worry because this is quite decent—him and his acoustic guitar get peculiarly jaunty, an amiable strum through modern America. In a nice way. & he iz wel buf)

THE UK TOP 20: WE DREW WITH BRENTFORD. BRENTFORD. FUCK'S SAKES.

20) GREEN DAY – Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

I'm in far too good a mood today. Mills and Nemone almost sounds like it's working—they are bouncing off each other really well, Nemone's reining in his more twattish tendencies a fair bit… I dunno if I'd choose to listen to it, but it's not that bad. Then again, I was thinking that about the Athlete single earlier too, so I wouldn't really trust me right now.

19) DOVES – Black & White Town

Someone's got to do something else with this beat. Seriously. There is an utter classic waiting here, but it doesn't involve the vocals of Jimi Goodwin.

18) THE NOISE NEXT DOOR – Calendar Girl

That Good Charlotte single's really good. This isn't. I never thought I'd find a way to appreciate Busted, but what with this and Freefaller…

17) JAY-Z ft. LINKIN PARK – Numb/Encore

There's a load of singles out tomorrow. Many have a shot at charting well. But this is still going to be around next week, isn't it? Jesus. C'mon, where's Uniting Nations then…

16) UNITING NATIONS – Out Of Touch

Seriously, we drew 2-2 with Brentford. At home. Brentford. Fuck's sakes.

15) RAGHAV – Angel Eyes

And this is still quite brilliant. That bass-line. Thing of wonder. The Bollywood samples work perfectly… oooh oooh oooh oooh ayeeenjull eyyyyes…

14) ASHANTI – Only U

But yes, loads upon loads of singles next week. Possibly including the Futureheads' version of 'Hounds Of Love'. Which MUST BE NUMBER ONE. Or top ten. But ideally number one.

13) CHEMICAL BROTHERS – Galvanize

It'll probably get beaten out by Kaiser Chiefs. Or something else. But IT MUST BE NUMBER ONE because it's just too bloody exceptional not to be.

(I do still like this quite a lot, but I love the Futureheads better)

12) CIARA ft. PETEY PABLO – Goodies

Y'know, I wouldn't say no to a new entry at some point.

11) EMBRACE – Looking As You Are (NEW ENTRY)

Big huggy Embrace single. Slow, strings, warm 'n' gloopy and makes me feel quite nice inside.

10) ATOMIC KITTEN – Cradle (NEW ENTRY)

This is making me think of what 'Tropical Loveland' by ABBA would sound like if it was sung in the style of Vernon Kay and Spoony attempting to have a conversation about The Icarus Line. And was shit.

9) ANGEL CITY ft. LARA McALLEN – Sunrise (NEW ENTRY)

I think I quite like Angel City, on the quiet like. Their singles are mostly half-decent, and that one that sampled Robert Miles was really rather good. This one isn't bad either, though it does sound a touch like a less good version of DJ Sammy's version of 'Heaven'. Which was legitimately quite ace.

8) BEARDY McREALNESS & AUSSIE HOMEWRECKER SQUAWKER-WOMAN – That Song What They Have Done

I wonder if Bryian can sing a rainbow? Obviously the rainbow would be in various shades of khaki, because red and indigo are the colours of the FAKE and NON-REAL.

7) U2 – Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

Oh hang on, Nelly's releasing a ballad tomorrow. That's number one locked down for about a month, then.

6) DESTINY'S CHILD ft. T.I. & LI'L WAYNE – Soldier

Man, I can't wait for T.I. to actually have a proper hit over here. That probably won't happen till 2007, but I can wait for it.

I should apologise for not having much to say this week, actually. I just don't. I'm not sure why exactly, it just doesn't feel like there's much worth talking about. Next week, though, Futureheads super-special edition. Be afraid.

Tomorrow – Chris Moyles meets Wusmiff.

5) THE GAME ft. 50 CENT – How We Do (NEW ENTRY)

Goodness me, this is dull. Not as dull as 'Soldier', but still. That beat goes 'clink' because that's what beats do nowadays, probably. 50 sounds disinterested. The Game sounds disturbingly like the man that features on 'What Is He Thinking?' that raps like Mike Skinner but even more stiltedly. There is roughly no hook at all, and it just plods on, and on… he has a car. Makes calculators look spontaneous.

4) EMINEM – Like Toy Soldiers

Angel City is actually the best thing in this top ten, isn't it?

3) LL COOL J – Hush (NEW ENTRY)

Actually, no, this is. LL drops increasingly nonsensical rhymes. "Girl, I'd swim to France." "I walk through the desert in the ice-cold rain." "Till my six-pack's faded and my raps don't matter/ But that's years from now." You would, though.

2) ELVIS PRESLEY – Surrender (NEW ENTRY)

And this is even better. It lasts about two minutes, probably less. There's a lovely little clutch of backing singers, trilling "Surren-derrrr!!!" as Elvis gets his seduction on. There's a guitar that jangles a bit like on 'Teenager' by Camera Obscura, or 'Johnny Remember Me'. It's quite charming really, unlike 'Wooden Heart', which was dreadful.

1) JENNIFER LOPEZ ft. FABOLOUS – Get Right (NEW ENTRY)

But onto the now. Which involves J-Lo and some horns and a chorus I can't remember. Oh god, here's Fabolous. Being Fabolous. It's… alright, really. A bit more remarkable than her singles usually are, but still this has the air of a less interesting and more restrained 'Crazy In Love', which ought to be a good thing and yet somehow isn't. It just ends up being really, really average.

Still, next week—25 or so singles have a shot at number one. And the shining knights of Sunderland are probably somewhere in the middle. Let loose the Hounds…



By: William B. Swygart
Published on: 2005-02-21
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