Britney Gets Beasted By Adolescents
lbum Chart Notes: Not much, since they decide to play a Red Hot Chilli Peppers live track which means the radio's turned down for most of the albums rundown. The new Avwiw single is still quite good though.
Badly Drawn Boy is new at #9, meaning he continues to be to Twisted Nerve as Franz Ferdinand are to Domino. Maybe one day Misty Dixon will have a hit single too. I hope so. They are rather good.
Ach! Scissors get close, SO TANTALISINGLY CLOSE to #1—they're number 2 instead, because this week The Streets are #1. Crikey. They play 'Dry Your Eyes', as Wes informs us that "everyone loves this." Also "it was the biggest download in Britain this week." The Official UK Top 40 is 'supported' by Coca-Cola. Why not visit MyCokeMusic.Com and remark upon the similarity between its loading screen and the on-screen graphics for Top Of The Pops, and get a bit depressed about the road British pop way well be going down. However—trust me that, from next week, the UK singles chart is gonna get hit-up-style by some serious quality tunes. In fact, this week ain't gonna be too bad neither…
Yes, that's me being cheerful and optimistic. 27th June 2004, pop it in yer diary why dontcha…
New Entries Outside The Top 20: The Zutons #39 (pleasant enough Scousey jangle—it sounds like the Coral, yet somehow I forgive 'em cos they seem like such a lovely bunch of people); Lemonescent #37 (Scots girl-band cover 'All Right Now'. It sounds like a Scots girl-band covering 'All Right Now'. In that respect at least, a success); Junior Jack #26 (some songs are destined to soundtrack highlights montages on 'Football Focus', and this one is fair crying out for John Motson to proclaim Thierry Henry's genius over the top of it); Blink 182 #24 ('I Miss You', but louder, with less Mark Hoppus and more guitar = not quite as good but still rather loverlee); and Jentina #22 (this year we will be subjected to a flood of British female MC's, allegedly. Jentina has apparently had many interesting things happen in her life. How she sums this up = "Bad ass strippa in an Escalade/Step out the truck, I'm in St Tropez." Remember when Big Brovaz referenced Kompressors? That was fun. And it's a van, not a truck. Christ. The rest of the song maintains these standards in a thoroughly uninteresting manner).
THE UK TOP 20: BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE FORGOT ABOUT LATVIA
20) BELLE & SEBASTIAN – Books EP (ft. 'Wrapped Up In Books' and 'Your Cover's Blown') (NEW ENTRY)
They're the new Wildhearts! Insofaras getting regular chart action while getting overlooked by ver mainstream (unless you count an appearance on Craig Charles' godawful late-night chat-show Weapons Of Mass Distraction, which you probably shouldn't). Anyhow, the Belles repeat their trick of getting stuff that sounded OK on the album and making it wonderful by releasing it as a single, as what seemed like a pleasant enough junction on Dear Catastrophe Waitress is suddenly revealed as a Shadows-inflected buzzy-organ jangular romp through fields of daisies that takes the twee brickbats and gives them BIG HUGZ. 'Your Cover's Blown' is also great but I've only heard it once and can't remember it that well. It was pretty funk-ridden, though, which is good.
19) ANASTACIA – Left Outside Alone
Is perilously close to sounding quite good now. Blimey.
18) ANGEL CITY ft. LARA McALLEN – Touch Me (All Night Long) (NEW ENTRY)
Angel City pay tribute to Cathy Dennis, East Anglia's leading ginger-topped songwriting governess by taking one of her hits from when she did the singing, and giving it the old cack-house makeover. Christmas cards will presumably not be forthcoming.
17) EAMON – Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)
We have had requests for pictures of tennisists in order to commemorate Wimbledon fortnight. So, in tribute to his record-breaking run of competing in 55 consecutive Grand Slam singles tournaments, here's Wayne Ferreira:
16) TWISTA – Overnight Celebrity (NEW ENTRY)
Hmm. Twista can rap very fast. And that's his problem, as he attempts to tell women how famous he will make them if they give him fucking. However, he is incapable of conveying anything other than "Hello, I'm Twista, and I can rap very fast." The production is odd, as Kanye West takes his trademark squeally vocal hooks and makes them go very fast too. Occasionally Kanye pops his head round the door to remind Twista to Slow The Fuck Down every now and then, at which point he comes over all "I've noticed you around… umm…" And it's a bit uneven. But still pretty much OK.
15) JESSICA SIMPSON – With You
Incidentally, when Adam Green released 'Jessica' as a single it got to #63. The single immediately ahead of it? 'So Grimey' by So Solid Crew. My, what a week that was…
14) FRANKEE – Fuck U Right Back
Shola Ama has done a similar thing to this for the Mario Winans single. It's tragic, really. She used to be really good, I swear it. I was about 14 at the time, but I always liked her version of 'You Might Need Somebody'… and now, she's left jumping on this shitty bandwagon. Insert comment about reality TV wrecking music now, or something.
13) BRANDY ft. KANYE WEST – Talk About Our Love
Brandy Is Fascinating, Ep. 2 – her album features a song entitled 'Coldplay'.
Hopefully not more next week.
12) PHIXX – Wild Boys (NEW ENTRY)
There's a camping shop in Croydon that, in lieu of tuning its instore PA system to the radio, plays this tape of pop hits as sung by other people over the exact same backing as the original. It's very weird, sitting round watching your brothers try on hiking boots as your dad attempts to convince you that you need to buy some waterproofing wax, and in the background is a version of, say, 'Believe', or 'All I Wanna Do' that sounds like the original except quite patently being sung by some anonymous Other Person. Anyway, if that tape featured 'Wild Boys', it'd sound like this.
11) R KELLY ft. CASSIDY – Hotel
They aren't credited that way round, but they should be really. Incidentally, McFly have been doing these little vignettes with Wes every now and then where they humorously ring in and try to get him to tell them if they're number one or not, which means that they are number one, which quite royally shits on any tension that may have been building up (this happened with the Sugababes last year, if I remember right, and it was more or less exactly as annoying then).
10) GIRLS OF FHM – Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? (NEW ENTRY)
A cover of N-Trance's cover of Rod Stewart's old hit, as sung by your aunt impersonating Joss Stone. No.
9) BEVERLEY KNIGHT – Come As You Are (NEW ENTRY)
The patron saint of Wolverhampton decides to 'go rock'. So obviously, it kicks off, and it all sounds like Texas. However, that is reckoning without Bev's secret weapon, i.e. her voice of DEAFENING VOLUME. Y'see, secretly, everyone kind of likes Beverley Knight, because everyone loves a trier, and there are very few who try quite as much, or as hard, as dear old Bev. She only made the top 10 after seven years and seven singles worth of trying (see kids? Just like Felt! Except with added 'success' part), and through it all she has been relentlessly screaming and hollering like a mad thing; even when it seemed like there could be few less interesting artists in the UK, there she was, leaping up and down, relentlessly demanding to know if Scunthorpe or Bangor or Thurrock or Poole or wherever are having a good time tonight.
And so, when it sounds like it's all gonna be a bit mediocre, you think to yourself, "Oh well, never mind, couldn't happen to a nicer person, at least it's not the Stereophonics," or something along those lines. Then comes the chorus. The chorus is amazing. The drums switch to full-on biff-bang-pow mode, and—Bev! "COME! AS YOU ARE! YOU CAN STAND! TAKE MY HAND!" Yes! You CAN stand! And you WILL stand! Quite possibly this is because you are TERRIFIED of the CONSEQUENCES for DISOBEDIENCE! But still—fucking hell! The sheer conviction and enthusiasm and belief comes tearing out of the speakers, grabs you by the lapels and shakes you till you pass out. Then there's a coda of Bev giving a shout out to those who feel her backed by incredibly loud and fast and scary handclaps, and then, because this is 'rock':
HAMMOND ORGAN SOLO RIFF THING!!!
Everyone likes Beverley Knight. And now, they're gonna love her.
8) 4-4-2 – Come On England
So anyway, the lads lost 3-0 to the Dutch.
It's not that bad really, though, considering this was meant to be a total massacre, and the first goal was a penalty that should never have been bloody given. But anyway—Latvia had a really good tournament, returning home having given the Czech Republic a serious scare and embarrassed the Germans (and laid the foundation for their piss-poor exit from the tournament). They can hold their heads very, very high indeed.
Elsewhere, this piece of shit has probably had its last week in the top 20, seeing as how England went out in the quarter-finals on penalties to the Portuguese. England had a dubious disallowed goal in the last minute that apparently should have been given, but wasn't, and has led to widespread vilification of the referee, Switzerland's Urs Meier.
Just to recap—that's England fans complaining about a dodgy decision by a Swiss referee. Quite what German fans make of that I am not sure, but I'd reckon the chances are they may well have got over the 1966 World Cup Final by now.
(Yes, I am aware the actual decision in that case was made by the Russian linesman. But the referee was Swiss. Look, I'm trying to be witty. Leave it.)
7) KELIS –Trick Me
Let's have another tennis picture. Here's British player Mark Hilton being swallowed by the space-time continuum:
6) JAY SEAN ft. RISHI RICH PROJECT – Eyes On You (NEW ENTRY)
If R Kelly's hotel is the Waldorf Astoria, this here's the Leeds City West Premier Lodge (word for those stopping overnight in Leeds—go to a hotel in Halifax instead. Short drive in, nicer staff, and the approach road is fucking spectacular…) But yes, here's Jay Sean, and he sounds just like 'Hotel' would sound if R Kelly wasn't on it. I mean, he is better than Cassidy, but it's all a bit perfunctory and uninteresting. There's a sitar noise and some sort of 'kcorh' effect that sounds like it's been nicked off a condom ad. Jay Sean sings alright. Raghav is better. The end.
5) O-ZONE – Dragostea Din Tei
Has been in the top five for ages. Still has yet to figure on either CD:UK or Top Of The Pops. Perhaps Tim Kash is scared if he tries mocking them they'll beat him up—not necessarily because he's mocking them, but because he's so rubbish at it.
4) OUTKAST – Roses (NEW ENTRY)
Firstly, a note for Colin Cooper—I started eating dinner at the start of Jay Sean and finished just before this ended. My stomach is fine.
So anyway—Andre 3000 goes croony at girl. I wasn't paying enough attention to figure out precisely whether or not the roses smelling like shit was a positive metaphor. But I quite liked it, despite the fact that I was rather underwhelmed the first few times I heard it. That slow plonk-a-plonk riff in the background does a good job of carrying it. Then he tries to rap, and that's less good. But this is solid enough.
3) MARIO WINANS ft. P DIDDY and ENYA – I Don't Wanna Know
Having now seen the video for 'U Saved Me' by R Kelly, all bets are off in the top hand gesture stakes. Put simply, it is going to take something fucking incredible to beat the R's miming of doing drugs.
2) BRITNEY SPEARS – Everytime
And the BBC's caption:
Defending men's champion Roger Federer beasts Alejandro Falla of Colombia 6-1 6-2 6-0 to reach round three.
'Beasting'. It's the new thing, y'know.
1) McFLY – Obviously (NEW ENTRY)
And now, we're starting to get turnover on these number ones. There's going to be a lot of them in the coming weeks—Girls Aloud, Rachel Stevens, The Streets and some other ones. All very good, and probably going to overshadow this wee one here, which is a shame because it's certainly an awful lot better than most of the number ones thus far this year. McFly lament about a girl they want but can't have, so they're stuck with their teenage lusting. There's one with a growly voice who doesn't quite fit in. The entire arrangement is sooo Britpop it does rather hurt a little. But it's good, jangling along—"Obviously, she's out of my league…" and whatever the other words were. I like this. It's a number one single, and it's rather good. And next week, we hopefully see the same again when Girls Aloud go top. Fingers crossed, kids—2004 might just be on the turn…