Top Ten Reasons Why Jay-Z Sucks
hawn Carter? Don’t you just love him? Of course you do, you like both kinds of music: indie and Jay-Z. We don’t like him. His (completely disingenuous) retirement hasn’t seen him spend any less time being annoying and omnipresent. Here’s 10 problems we have with him (and an Annie sample ain’t one).
1. Jay Z is Fugly
Rappers aren’t the most attractive of people. The very fact that Andre 3000, who to all intents and purposes looks like one of the chess club from Saved By The Bell, passes as manpretty in the world of hip-hop should tell you all you need to know. However, in a field where the competition consists of the horse-faced one from the Black Eyed Peas and the entire roster of Def Jux, Jay-Z still stands out as a spectacularly ugly man. He permanently looks like he’s pressing his face against a sheet of plate glass. He so ugly, when he goes into the bank, they turn the cameras off.
2. Beyonce is a rubbish beard
Okay, so you pick a name that is one consonant away from Gay-Z. You put a kick-me sign on your own back with "Izzo (H.O.V.A.)" so large even Nas can see it. And you think the best way of quelling the rumours is by dating someone who is forbidden to have sex with you by God? Smart move, Jay! No wonder "Bonnie And Clyde 03" was so unconvincing. Still, at least it provides cheap, yet wholesome, fun by allowing you to set up your own When Will Jay-Z Come Out pool with your friends.
My money's on 2009, just enough time for his second comeback to fizzle out.
3. Roc-A-Fella has launched its own brand of whiskey.
Because he ran out of rhymes for Cristal, obviously, or he ran out of things to namecheck. Or just possibly because he heard that Victoria Beckham swills Cristal, and as such it is no longer cool and trendy for serious rap types. Victoria Beckham is also a better rapper than Jay-Z. Maybe it's an attempt to get back to his street roots, by drinking the same beverage that people on the street actually drink. Well done, Jay-Z!
4. The easily-impressed Prince Charles was not impressed
When meeting Jay-Z, The Big Ear Man, who would obviously have a fine ear for a tune just said "Hi".
Far from being just a slur at the nouveau-riche Mr Carter, Prince Charles was making it quite clear that he prefers Atomic Kitten, and so should you.
He even prefers Hear’Say.
5. Jay-Z ringing Nas’ doorbell and then running away
It’s received rap wisdom that his feud with Jay-Z lit a spark under Nas, inspiring him to his current levels of recorded output. Thus, “I Can” is entirely Jay-Z’s fault.
6. He practically invented the superfluous guest verse.
Case in point: Mariah Carey's "Heartbreaker". A song all about how some dude has broken M's heart and left her feeling all shit. And who pops up in the middle? Why, Jay-Z, to whinge about some wailing bint who was too clingy and keeps whingeing about him being a heartbreaker. Way to disrupt continuity! And as for "Crazy In Love", where Jay, convinced of his greatness despite all evidence to the contrary, decides that talking over the horn sample actually makes him the star attraction.
Beyonce: I am in love with my boyfriend, he's great.Grrrr. Particularly unforgivable for giving the idea to Ghostface Killa and that twerp that did the rap in the middle of Kelis's "Good Stuff".
Jay-Z: Hi. I'm rich.
7. He has the worst white fans of any rapper
Now that the Beastie Boys are all in the severe stages of senile dementia, “99 Problems” has become the default “I am now ending the rap section of my set and am entering the guitar section” choice for certain DJs. I once heard a student bar DJ mix from “99 Problems” into Razorlight, whilst saying “the best of American hip-hop, and now the best of British indie”, and I wanted to cry, I really did.
8. He isn’t really that popular outside of America
I have a severe problem with things that are massively popular in America that nobody could possibly care about in other countries. NASCAR, Dave Matthews Band, schoolyard massacres—whilst our tardy-war entering cousins across the pond flip their lids for those, the rest of the world stares on in confusion. The same with Jay-Z. Apparently, Jay-Z can have number one singles in America. In the UK, he’s “that ugly guy that’s always hanging out with Beyonce”. To prove as much, here is a list of selected bands whose 2003 album release achieved more success in the UK charts than The Black Album, which spent one week at #40 before vanishing completely (the same as Modest Mouse’s new album, incidentally):
Ed Harcourt (“From Every Sphere”, #39)
Ryan & Rachel O'Donnell (“The Celtic Chillout Album 2”, #37)
Evan Dando (“Baby I'm Bored”, #30)
Alkaline Trio (“Good Mourning”, #32)
Bonnie Raitt (“The Best of Bonnie Raitt”, #37)
Less Than Jake (“Anthem”, #37)
Jay-Z: less popular than Bonnie Raitt.
9. Jay-Z isn’t as clever as he thinks he is
Jay-Z was the main instigator of the “I have just said something clever” pause in rap. For a while, “Kill at will, solid water, ice cube” was the worst rap lyric ever. J seems to believe that the punning wit inherent in this line was so great that it required a slight breather whilst the listening public revelled in the genius of his, quite frankly, sub-Richard Whitely wordplay. Of course, Jay-Z has now retired and the baton has been passed in so many ways to Kanye West. If anyone out there can listen to, say, “Trying to be a millionaire I used two lifelines”, or the low-point of 800 years of the English language: “Story on MTV/ But I ain’t trying to make a band”, and the ensuing raised eyebrows that follows them, without wanting to kill, indeed, at will, please tell me how.
By: Dom Passantino and Edward Oculicz
Published on: 2004-09-24