Staff Top 10
Top Ten Reasons to Stop



because it's over and you know it.



2. Because you dropped the gnome and its head fell off, and you’re not sure how you got here in the first place, and you don’t want to buy any drugs, and the camera’s fucked, and frankly the idea of driving back from London at 2am in a BMW that just might be stolen and is being driven at 120mph by someone you never met before 10.30pm is a scary, scary thing, even if he insists he doesn’t want any petrol money because he’s “had fun”.

3. Because you’ve run out of Vaseline, and you remember the guy in Trainspotting (book, not film) trying to use Vicks instead and ending up in casualty with a cracked skull and a throbbing penis. Besides, after 12.15am you have to start paying.

4. Because you’ve essentially made the same album twice now, only this time you turned down the vocals even more and put some cursory synth on there, and maybe dad was right and you should have taken that job with your uncle’s advertising company, cos this rock n roll shit’s tough, and you’re looking more and more like an ugly girl every day, and besides you’re now too fat to look good in drainpipes.

5. Because they’ve sent you the certificate by post, so you don’t have to go to the goddamn ceremony after all.

6. Because you’re not fucking hiphop at all, you’re called Timothy and you’re the son of a vicar and what’s more you’re now incredibly fucking old to be dressing like MC fucking Hammer.

7. Because, wow, you actually are completely fucking insane, aren’t you? How did you not realise?! You’ve been setting fire to dogs and eating maggots and killing relatives since you were 6 years old and thinking you were casting spells on people and sending up prayers to some weird wasp-god and trying to mind-meld with strange people you’ve never properly met and buying crossbows and putting gerbils into shuttlecocks and catapulting them into barbed-wire fences and and and and and that isn’t normal at all, is it?

8. Because you’re an asshole.

9. Because if someone shoots you 9 times in the face before you even managed to make a record you really ought to consider that to be a sign.

10. Because it’s over and you don’t know it.


By: Nick Southall
Published on: 2003-10-31
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