Staff Top 10
Top Ten Encounters With Porn

0. Tonya Harding’s Honeymoon Tape

A real low-point in my puberty years and a huge waste of time on just about every account. Why did anyone (my dumb, young self included) ever see this? It’s horribly shot & completely uneventful. On top of that, Harding and her man, Jeff Something-or-other, are nastier than C-rated Porn Stars. I don’t think this could have been worse if they tried, but it probably couldn’t have been any better either. Note to future flash-in-the-pan bad girls: porn will only extend your fifteen minutes of fame to fifteen minutes and twelve seconds.


9. Co-Workers, Part One: The Get Together

There is no direct involvement here, but I recently found out that two co-workers got together on several occasions to watch porn together. One is a very liberal, hip young lady and the other was the sleaziest guy in the whole office (He recently left, but no one has yet stepped up to claim his title). I’d prefer to never have to think of my friends (or enemies) watching porno individually, let alone together. The particular creepiness of the guy and coolness of the female make this all the more unsettling. Luckily in a couple years this one will probably fade from memory, hence its low-ranking.


8. Noise Porn, Part One: Merzbow & Miki

Noise culture is filled with pornography, for better or worse. These days the only smut I own is in my record collection & most of it isn’t even that great. Bondage seems to be a pretty dominant theme, most likely because the only thing these nerds have ever dominated is a multi-effect processor or a delay pedal. These sad attempts at extremity almost always come across as pathetic overcompensation. These undersexed dudes could benefit from a serious relationship or two. There are some exceptions to the rule though, and one that’s particularly amusing is Miki Sawaguchi, who is an actual Japanese porn star & noise artist. She put out a CD a few years ago called Big Boobs which I’ve heard, but do not own.


7. The Adult Store

Ah, my one and only trip to the magazine/book/toy/dancer emporium a quarter-mile from my college dorm. I walked by it nearly every day on my way to work at the gas station, where occasionally a stripper or two would come in during the late shift. It wasn’t curiosity of desire that led me into the mega-store though, just my inability to say “No.” A bunch of guys from the dorm thought it’d be funny to go down & I, not wanting to seem like the square I am, ended up going along. It was as gross as I’d imagined, and I think everyone else felt pretty much the same way. I believe whip-its, a magazine or two, and some fuzzy handcuffs were all that were purchased. I did get to see a double-ended dildo almost as tall as I am though, and I am not short.


6. Lovers Lane

The first video I ever saw. I’m not sure if that was the actual title or not, but it was definitely the premise of the film. Lookout Point has just gone crazy with couples in the mood for love. The backseat, front seat, the threesome on the hood. It’s all here. Absolutely ridiculous in retrospect, but I imagine my younger self wishing my town had a cliff like that. I think this may have actually be considered a “classic” in the adult film world, but I don’t know enough to verify that. A google search only led me to a gay video from a couple years ago.


5. Noise Porn, Part Two: The Clip

An experimental musician friend made a tape for me. He’s not the power-noise type either, more of an academic, full-page-in-the-Wire kind of guy. I watched it & thought nothing of it. I then showed it to my friends and when a millisecond of whatever had previously been on tape appeared at the beginning, at least three of them gawked, “Did you tape this over porn?” It was so quick that I hadn’t even seen what they were talking about, so we rewound as far as we could and started playing back frame-by-frame. It was indeed porn, and if I do say so, it was pretty remarkable. Here is what caught their collective eye: There are two naked girls, one bent over the other about to insert something somewhere (I really can’t tell because the frame is too blurry). Nothing exceptional so far, but there are two guys in either pig or devil masks sitting on the ground watching, possibly encouraging or directing. There are also the words, “HA-LADEEDLDEEDLDEE” along the bottom of the screen with the first “DEE” highlighted and a bouncing ball above it. The obvious conclusion here is that this is some kind of (very) naughty sing-along, but I have never asked the guy who gave me the tape about it and I have no intention of doing so.


4. “Regret”

Regret is the title my friend Jacob came up with for this found photograph. A nasty little 3x5 that told me more than I ever wanted to know about someone I don’t even know. My former roommate at the time discovered it along some railroad tracks while walking to work. There were a few others, but he only picked up this one because it doesn’t show anyone’s face. Just a couple other of this woman’s 2000 parts. It’s a side shot of a parked car with more than a little ass & vagina peaking out through the passenger side window. I like to imagine the pimp-juiced-up photographer getting his lady into position. “All right baby. Get it in the air.... No wait, a little to the left. That’s it.” I can only hope this lady regrets this (assuming she even remembers - that’s a scary thought.), I mean the dude who took the picture didn’t even care enough about it to discreetly get rid of it. This chick got him so hot he had to throw the picture out the window. Regret, indeed.


3. The Talk Radio Virgin

My college roommate was a great guy. Handsome & popular (we had very little in common besides being white males), nearly everyone was surprised when he told them he was a virgin. He was fond of the ladies of adult film though, and one morning his favorite porn star, Jenna Jameson, was on the Howard Stern Show. He ditched class & called in, actually managing to get through from one of the school’s payphones. He was so excited to be talking to Ms. Jameson, that he lost his customary cool and started to spazz a little. Howard immediately started mocking him and soon quipped, “You’re totally a virgin, aren’t you?” to which he nearly screamed in response, “YES. I AM!” over the national airwaves to the tens of thousands of guys like himself who listen to Howard Stern. To his credit I think Jenna thought that this was “cute” or “sweet” or some such sentiment. This was later used for mocking leverage whenever a little tiff broke out over the Playstation, music, homework, etc.


2. Co-Workers, Part Two: Hot Chocolate

There was a woman at my office who everyone knew was cheating on her husband (who has cancer, I swear) with one of the lamest pre-faded-abercrombie-wearing, jeep-driving, designer-sunglasses-and a flat-top assholes I’ve ever had the disprivilege of meeting, let alone having to see every day. One night while bored at work we started browsing the server for whatever junk we could find & soon came across some particularly embarrassing photos of the two of them. Mostly just the two of them out drinking, acting stupid, and making out. But then we found the motherlode. Little Miss Thang buck naked (and a bit chubbier than I’d have guessed) in a hotel room covered in chocolate sauce. Why anyone would have that picture at work, let alone on the public server is beyond me. We printed one out, grunged it all up on the copier and put it in the middle of a stack of papers on her desk. She eventually found it and soon enough her hunky beau was throwing a fit about people accessing his personal files on the server. He was simply told (by management who obviously had no idea what these files actually were) he shouldn’t have personal material on the server anyway, and we still get a great laugh out of it even though neither works with us anymore.

Sidebar: This couple was also caught by a pressman getting freaky in our (dirty, concrete) warehouse on top of a giant paper roll. How romantic.


1. The Studio

On a trip to NYC last summer, I got to see an actual porn studio. Right in the middle of Brooklyn. Even for someone with no interest in the adult film world, this was quite a thrill. My friend Erin, who I was staying with, asked me if I wanted to see it and there was really no way I was going to say no. It is literally two blocks from her apartment, in a very normal-looking warehouse surrounded by a number of the similar buildings, at least on the exterior. I probably wouldn’t have even believed her had one of the loading dock doors not been open to reveal a wonderfully tasteless blue bedroom set, a brief look into the real world behind the incredibly fake sex scenes.


By: Mike Shiflet
Published on: 2003-08-08
Comments (1)
 

 
Today on Stylus
Reviews
October 31st, 2007
Features
October 31st, 2007
Recently on Stylus
Reviews
October 30th, 2007
October 29th, 2007
Features
October 30th, 2007
October 29th, 2007
Recent Music Reviews
Recent Movie Reviews