Ask A Girl
Gangsta Rap

your resident girl here is worried. Worried that I may have alienated some of you good people last column with my bossy boots sidebar. So, in order to make nice, I have a devised a little treat for my special readers. That’s right – it’s COMPETITION TIME! What with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I thought it would be cool to have a mixed disc competition. So all you peeps out there, send me the track-listing for your most dreamy/love songs mixed disc, along with brief (but full!) explanations as to why you chose what you did to me at the usual address . Again, you DON’T have to make the disc, just send the track-listings!

The winner will get their own personal private special-for-them mixed disc (or tape – winner’s choice) of dreamy/love songs made by my own ever-loving hands. I asked our Editor for a better prize, like a car or a Caribbean cruise, but apparently we don’t have the budget for that.

Deadline for submissions is the 14th of February, and the winner will be announced (and crowned Mix-master Extraordinaire!) on the 20th of February.

So c’mon all you burgeoning superstar DJs! Show me the love!

What are the rules for playing songs like "A bitch is a bitch" or "Find 'em Fuck 'em and Flee" in front of lady friends?

Ergh…this is bit of a lyrical hot potato eh? Before I get into this, I should say I am not a fan of gangsta rap and subsequently know very little about it. One of the key reasons that I don’t enjoy it is the misogyny that runs unchecked through it. But like chocolate and peanut butter, misogyny and music seems to go together. Actually, to be fair, they don’t restrict the venom to just women; there are a lot of targets for extreme dislike within that particular genre. I much prefer the whole love-in vibe of De La Soul, A Tribe Called Quest and The Jungle Brothers. That said, I think the “rules” for playing this in front of anyone (male or female) are sort of the rules of playing any music in front of anyone – do they like it? I have a close friend who is very into black metal (another violent, misogynistic genre of music) and I don’t really care for it either. So when I go over to his house for dinner (he also happens to be a very good cook) he doesn’t play it because he knows I don’t like it. Easy. So just ask your ho / bitch what she thinks. If she pulls out an AK-47 and gets all Foxy Brown on your ass, you have your answer.

Whenever I criticize any of the music that my girlfriend likes, she gets all upset and takes it personally, but I really am only commenting on the music, you know? Is she just being too sensitive, or should I make the effort to censor myself?

How are you phrasing your “comments”? Are you saying, “I don’t really like Manfred Mann” or are you saying, “Christ, your taste is a whole lotta suck”? Do you then follow it up with a diatribe about why her choices blow? I am gonna go out on a limb here and presume that you are very into music. And following on from that, I am going to presume that your honey knows that. So, because she knows that music is very important to you and that you are very knowledgeable about it, by you criticizing her taste, you are criticizing her. It’s like when she says “Is that what you’re planning on wearing?” She isn’t criticizing you per say, she is just dubious of your sartorial choices. But it still stings in the delivery.

Now if you are phrasing things constructively and being nice about it, and she still takes in personally – ask her why she gets bent of out shape about it. It could be because she does think you are judging her, in which case you will have to either get down with her choices sometimes or try to coax her into enjoy the music that you do (or stuff that you can at least deal with). Maybe start slowly with something you like which overlaps in some way with what she likes and build from there. Explain what the links are, and what makes it so special to you.

Finally, I would never, ever encourage censorship from either party in a relationship. First off, it becomes exhausting. Secondly, you aren’t being fair to the other person because you aren’t being yourself and third, that censorship will morph into resentment pretty damn quick.

My girlfriend and I always play music when we're having sex. The other night, I caught her mouthing the words to one of the songs while we were doing it. I got really offended and it led to a big fight. Am I overreacting? Should we just stop playing music altogether, or does this mean I simply can't hold her attention in bed?

See? This is exactly why make out music should have very little/no lyrics to distract you from the primary activity. Eyes on the prize people! Eyes on the prize! As for holding her attention in bed, maybe you should install one of those mobiles people put over baby’s cribs to entertain them. Oh, I’m kidding!

Seriously, let’s think about this. I don’t think you are overreacting. I mean c’mon! You are engaging in one of the most pleasurable activities that can be shared by two people and she’s acting like its karaoke night at Diamond’s tavern. Perhaps you are connecting physically with her, but not emotionally or mentally? If intimacy was as simple as one person putting a part of their body into someone else’s, I could stick my finger in my fellow tube passenger’s ear and claim intimacy. Maybe you need to re-connect in terms of what you both want physically and try to get to the stage where a car could crash through the bedroom wall and you wouldn’t notice. Or you could skip all the jabber-jawing, just play music with unfamiliar lyrics and get back to the banging.

After reading last week’s column, I don’t want to be lumped in with all other men who can’t change. So I ask a girl, what’s one thing we can do make women happier?

Realize that women are just as freaked out, confused and clueless about men as men are about women. It’s a wonder we ever get together at all.

Got a question for a girl? Oh yeah you do.

By: Lisa Oliver
Published on: 2004-01-23
Comments (6)

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